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136 Questions to Ask in a Relationship

By: Bethany Beal

I can’t even begin to count how many of you have asked me for this list of questions. Ever since I announced that Dav (my fiance) and I worked through this list of questions during our dating relationship, hundreds of you have asked me for this list.

If you’re in a relationship, I would encourage you to use this list as a resource to help you get to know your boyfriend/fiance better. If you want to be in a relationship, I encourage you to use this list as a tool to help you think through each one of the answers.

This is a long list, but it does not include everything you need to know or ask.

Remember that you are getting to know a person. This list is simply a tool to help you dig deeper, ask smarter questions, spot red flags, and help you get to know your guy better.

136 Questions to Ask in a Relationship

Your Spiritual Life 

  • What are the evidences of your salvation?
  • What do you understand to be the role of baptism?
  • What about the Lord’s Supper? Who should participate in these
    sacraments?
  • What do you understand to be God’s purposes/priorities for the church?
  • How important is corporate worship? Other participation in church life?
  • What is your view of the Sabbath and the proper use of that day?
  • What do you see as the man’s role in the local church? Your own role?
  • What do you see as your wife’s role in local church ministry?
  • How important is it to be part of a small accountability/support group?
  • What would our family devotions look like? Who leads out in this?
  • Are we doing this now in an appropriate way: praying together about our
    lives and future, reading the Bible together?
  • How do you view age-segregation in the church (youth groups, Sunday
    school)?
  • What is your view on the celebration of Christmas and Easter?
  • How would those who know you well describe your personal character?
  • What is your opinion of personal witnessing?
  • What would you say is your spiritual gift(s)?
  • What are your spiritual strengths?
  • Recognizing we are all imperfect, in what one or two areas do you think God
    wants you to improve most?
  • Do you have a teachable spirit? Can you cite any examples?

Your Relationships

  • Describe your relationship with your father? Was (is) it honoring? Was (is) it obedient?
  • Describe your relationship with your mother? Was (is) it honoring? Was (is) it obedient?
  • How many siblings do you have? What are their names, ages, cities of residence? Can you describe your relationship with each of your siblings?
  • Can you describe your relationship with your grandparents?
  • Can you describe your relationship with your friends? Have you ever been
    peer-dependent? How did you resist this?
  • Are you consistently faithful in fulfilling your commitments? Give examples.
  • Do you show a regular willingness to serve others? In what ways?
  • In what ways is self-centeredness expressed in your life?
  • How do you relate to authority in your life? If so, what adjectives would your
    employers use to describe you?
  • Have you ever been a supervisor? If so, what adjectives would your
    employees use to describe you?
  • Are you ever manipulative of others?
  • What kinds of situations cause you frustration? How do you respond?
  • What circumstances might make you impatient or angry?
  • How do you handle anger? Have you ever been violent? Do you raise your voice when angry?
  • Have you ever had to deal with a broken relationship? If so, please provide
    the details of that relationship, how long ago, the situation, and how did you handle it?

Personal Habits Affecting Marriage

  • What are your beliefs regarding diet? Are your eating habits disciplined? Do you have any food dislikes? Are you a vegetarian?
  • Do you have any physical or mental disabilities or diseases? Any allergies? Prior or current health problems?
  • Do you smoke? What are your views on smoking?
  • Are your spending habits disciplined? Do you tithe? What is your view of
    debt?
  • How would you describe your work ethic? Do you have a high standard of
    excellence? Do you tend to be either slothful or a workaholic? How many
    hours per week do you work?
  • Do you travel with your job? If so, how often? Do you see this changing in
    your future?
  • If a relocation were offered to you by an employer, would you consider it?
    What would you weigh when considering such a move?
  • What is your discipline in studying?
  • Do you read regularly, and if so, what? Who is your favorite author? Outside
    the Bible, what would be your five favorite non-fiction books? Five favorite
    fiction books?
  • What are your habits regarding sleeping? Are you lethargic? Are your sleep
    habits irregular?
  • Do you follow a regular schedule? Are you organized?
  • Would you consider yourself neat or messy?
  • What is your practice regarding personal prayer?
  • What is your level of personal cleanliness and hygiene?
  • Do you have any personal habits that might annoy others?

Marital Roles

  • If you already subscribe to the concept of courtship, give me your definition of it.
  • Do you tend to be more of a leader or follower in life? Can you cite any examples?
  • In making decisions, what role does God’s Word play?
  • What is your attitude toward women? What is their purpose?
  • What is your view on the role of a wife?
  • What are your views on women working outside the home?
  • What are your views concerning divorce and remarriage?
  • Can you tell me your thoughts on how a man should provide for a wife and
    family?
  • Can you tell me your thoughts on how a man should protect a wife and
    children? How do you feel about guns?
  • How do you see your future relationship with your in-laws working out?
  • How do you relate to children? How often are you around children?
  • What is your attitude toward adopting children?
  • What are your thoughts on family worship? What would be the key attributes
    of such a practice in your home?
  • When you fail someone, what actions do you take to rectify the situation?
  • Are you honest? Do you ever slant the truth for your own benefit?
  • How have you prepared yourself for marriage?
  • In what ways do you think you may need to grow before marriage?
  • What does “leave and cleave” mean to you? Are you prepared to put your
    wife first, before all others, including your parents? Give me an example of what this may look like to you.

Moral Standards

  • What are your standards of propriety in dress? How do you dress?
  • Describe your standards of dress for women?
  • What are your views on public swimming?
  • Do you watch television, R-rated movies? PG-rated movies? What were the
    last five movies you watched?
  • What kind of music do you prefer? What kind of music would you find
    offensive?
  • Have you ever been exposed to homosexuality? If so, explain the extent and
    the circumstances.
  • Do you currently use any type of drugs? Have you in your past? If so, explain
    the extent and the circumstances.
  • Do you have any financial debt? If so, explain the extent and the
    circumstances.
  • Have you ever been in trouble with the law? If so, explain the extent and the
    circumstances.
  • What tendencies do you have toward prejudice or racism?
  • Have you ever had periods of rebellion? If so, explain the extent and the
    circumstances. Are there any unsettled issues with your parents?

Miscellaneous Discussion Starters

  • What is your attitude toward pets? Indoor? Outdoor?
  • What are your political leanings?
  • What is (are) your favorite sources for news?
  • What are your interests, hobbies, talents?
  • What is your attitude toward family (home) business?
  • What do you value most highly in life? What next?
  • What do you tend to do in your spare time?
  • What is your involvement in sports? Do you participate, attend games,
    watch it on TV? To what extent? What
  • What are your thoughts on alternative medicine?
  • What are your thoughts on immunizations?
  • What is the role of psychology in the life of a Christian?
  • Do you prefer to live in the city, suburbs, town, or country; farm, seaside,
    mountains, or desert? Why

Your Future

  • Can you describe your life purpose, i.e., how you intend to use your interests, experiences, skills, and talents to serve and glorify God?
  • What role would your wife and children play in your life purpose?
  • What role would your job/career play in your life purpose?
  • Where do you see yourself in 10 years? In 20 years?
  • Where do you see yourself spiritually in 10 years? In 20 years?
  • When the Lord calls you home, how would you like people to remember you?

Expectations

  • Do you have a personal timetable for marriage? If so, what is it?
  • What are expectations about situations where one of us might be alone with
    someone of the opposite sex?
  • What type of education are you hoping that your future wife will have?
  • List the five most important characteristics of a wife (for you personally).
  • List any characteristics or personality traits that would bother or irritate you
    in a wife.
  • How are tasks shared in the home: cleaning, cooking, washing dishes, yard
    work, car upkeep, repairs, shopping for food, and household stuff?
  • What are the expectations for togetherness?
  • What is an ideal non-special evening?

Children

  • Should we have children? If so, when? Why?
  • How many?
  • How far apart?
  • Would we consider adoption?
  • What are the standards of behavior?
  • What are the appropriate ways to discipline them? How many strikes before
    they’re . . . whatever?
  • What are the expectations of time spent with them and when they go to
    bed?
  • What signs of affection will you show them?
  • What about school? Homeschool? Christian school? Public school?

Lifestyle

  • Own a home or not? Why?
  • What kind of neighborhood? Why?
  • How many cars? New? Used?
  • View of money in general. How much to the church?
  • How do you make money decisions?
  • Where will you buy clothes: Department store? Thrift store? In between?
    Why?

Entertainment

  • How much money should we spend on entertainment?
  • How often should we eat out? Where?
  • What kind of vacations are appropriate and helpful for us?
  • How many toys? Snowmobile, boat, cabin?
  • Should we have a television? Where? What is fitting to watch? How much?
  • What are the criteria for movies and theater? What will our guidelines be for
    the kids?

Conflict

  • What makes you angry?
  • How do you handle your frustration or anger?
  • Who should bring up an issue that is bothersome?
  • What if we disagree both about what should be done and whether it is
    serious?
  • Will we go to bed angry at each other?
  • What is our view of getting help from friends or counselors?

Past Sins and Confessions:

  • Are you a virgin? If not, please explain.
  • Did you ask forgiveness of your partner?
  • Were you/are you involved with any of the following: 1. constant thoughts
    about sex 2. Masturbation 3. Homosexuality 4. Pornography. 5. X-rated
    videos, games, internet sites?
  • If you were involved in any of those activities, but are not now, why did you
    stop? If you are still involved, are you willing to seek outside counsel?
  • How do you plan to keep you and your loved one from falling into sexual sin
    prior to marriage?
  • Is there anything in your past that I would be surprised by if I found out?

This list was compiled from questions by: @girldefined @desiringgod @staceymcdonald

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