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136 Questions to Ask in a Relationship

By: Bethany Beal

I can’t even begin to count how many of you have asked me for this list of questions. Ever since I announced that Dav (my fiance) and I worked through this list of questions during our dating relationship, hundreds of you have asked me for this list.

If you’re in a relationship, I would encourage you to use this list as a resource to help you get to know your boyfriend/fiance better. If you want to be in a relationship, I encourage you to use this list as a tool to help you think through each one of the answers.

This is a long list, but it does not include everything you need to know or ask.

Remember that you are getting to know a person. This list is simply a tool to help you dig deeper, ask smarter questions, spot red flags, and help you get to know your guy better.

136 Questions to Ask in a Relationship

Your Spiritual Life 

  • What are the evidences of your salvation?
  • What do you understand to be the role of baptism?
  • What about the Lord’s Supper? Who should participate in these
    sacraments?
  • What do you understand to be God’s purposes/priorities for the church?
  • How important is corporate worship? Other participation in church life?
  • What is your view of the Sabbath and the proper use of that day?
  • What do you see as the man’s role in the local church? Your own role?
  • What do you see as your wife’s role in local church ministry?
  • How important is it to be part of a small accountability/support group?
  • What would our family devotions look like? Who leads out in this?
  • Are we doing this now in an appropriate way: praying together about our
    lives and future, reading the Bible together?
  • How do you view age-segregation in the church (youth groups, Sunday
    school)?
  • What is your view on the celebration of Christmas and Easter?
  • How would those who know you well describe your personal character?
  • What is your opinion of personal witnessing?
  • What would you say is your spiritual gift(s)?
  • What are your spiritual strengths?
  • Recognizing we are all imperfect, in what one or two areas do you think God
    wants you to improve most?
  • Do you have a teachable spirit? Can you cite any examples?

Your Relationships

  • Describe your relationship with your father? Was (is) it honoring? Was (is) it obedient?
  • Describe your relationship with your mother? Was (is) it honoring? Was (is) it obedient?
  • How many siblings do you have? What are their names, ages, cities of residence? Can you describe your relationship with each of your siblings?
  • Can you describe your relationship with your grandparents?
  • Can you describe your relationship with your friends? Have you ever been
    peer-dependent? How did you resist this?
  • Are you consistently faithful in fulfilling your commitments? Give examples.
  • Do you show a regular willingness to serve others? In what ways?
  • In what ways is self-centeredness expressed in your life?
  • How do you relate to authority in your life? If so, what adjectives would your
    employers use to describe you?
  • Have you ever been a supervisor? If so, what adjectives would your
    employees use to describe you?
  • Are you ever manipulative of others?
  • What kinds of situations cause you frustration? How do you respond?
  • What circumstances might make you impatient or angry?
  • How do you handle anger? Have you ever been violent? Do you raise your voice when angry?
  • Have you ever had to deal with a broken relationship? If so, please provide
    the details of that relationship, how long ago, the situation, and how did you handle it?

Personal Habits Affecting Marriage

  • What are your beliefs regarding diet? Are your eating habits disciplined? Do you have any food dislikes? Are you a vegetarian?
  • Do you have any physical or mental disabilities or diseases? Any allergies? Prior or current health problems?
  • Do you smoke? What are your views on smoking?
  • Are your spending habits disciplined? Do you tithe? What is your view of
    debt?
  • How would you describe your work ethic? Do you have a high standard of
    excellence? Do you tend to be either slothful or a workaholic? How many
    hours per week do you work?
  • Do you travel with your job? If so, how often? Do you see this changing in
    your future?
  • If a relocation were offered to you by an employer, would you consider it?
    What would you weigh when considering such a move?
  • What is your discipline in studying?
  • Do you read regularly, and if so, what? Who is your favorite author? Outside
    the Bible, what would be your five favorite non-fiction books? Five favorite
    fiction books?
  • What are your habits regarding sleeping? Are you lethargic? Are your sleep
    habits irregular?
  • Do you follow a regular schedule? Are you organized?
  • Would you consider yourself neat or messy?
  • What is your practice regarding personal prayer?
  • What is your level of personal cleanliness and hygiene?
  • Do you have any personal habits that might annoy others?

Marital Roles

  • If you already subscribe to the concept of courtship, give me your definition of it.
  • Do you tend to be more of a leader or follower in life? Can you cite any examples?
  • In making decisions, what role does God’s Word play?
  • What is your attitude toward women? What is their purpose?
  • What is your view on the role of a wife?
  • What are your views on women working outside the home?
  • What are your views concerning divorce and remarriage?
  • Can you tell me your thoughts on how a man should provide for a wife and
    family?
  • Can you tell me your thoughts on how a man should protect a wife and
    children? How do you feel about guns?
  • How do you see your future relationship with your in-laws working out?
  • How do you relate to children? How often are you around children?
  • What is your attitude toward adopting children?
  • What are your thoughts on family worship? What would be the key attributes
    of such a practice in your home?
  • When you fail someone, what actions do you take to rectify the situation?
  • Are you honest? Do you ever slant the truth for your own benefit?
  • How have you prepared yourself for marriage?
  • In what ways do you think you may need to grow before marriage?
  • What does “leave and cleave” mean to you? Are you prepared to put your
    wife first, before all others, including your parents? Give me an example of what this may look like to you.

Moral Standards

  • What are your standards of propriety in dress? How do you dress?
  • Describe your standards of dress for women?
  • What are your views on public swimming?
  • Do you watch television, R-rated movies? PG-rated movies? What were the
    last five movies you watched?
  • What kind of music do you prefer? What kind of music would you find
    offensive?
  • Have you ever been exposed to homosexuality? If so, explain the extent and
    the circumstances.
  • Do you currently use any type of drugs? Have you in your past? If so, explain
    the extent and the circumstances.
  • Do you have any financial debt? If so, explain the extent and the
    circumstances.
  • Have you ever been in trouble with the law? If so, explain the extent and the
    circumstances.
  • What tendencies do you have toward prejudice or racism?
  • Have you ever had periods of rebellion? If so, explain the extent and the
    circumstances. Are there any unsettled issues with your parents?

Miscellaneous Discussion Starters

  • What is your attitude toward pets? Indoor? Outdoor?
  • What are your political leanings?
  • What is (are) your favorite sources for news?
  • What are your interests, hobbies, talents?
  • What is your attitude toward family (home) business?
  • What do you value most highly in life? What next?
  • What do you tend to do in your spare time?
  • What is your involvement in sports? Do you participate, attend games,
    watch it on TV? To what extent? What
  • What are your thoughts on alternative medicine?
  • What are your thoughts on immunizations?
  • What is the role of psychology in the life of a Christian?
  • Do you prefer to live in the city, suburbs, town, or country; farm, seaside,
    mountains, or desert? Why

Your Future

  • Can you describe your life purpose, i.e., how you intend to use your interests, experiences, skills, and talents to serve and glorify God?
  • What role would your wife and children play in your life purpose?
  • What role would your job/career play in your life purpose?
  • Where do you see yourself in 10 years? In 20 years?
  • Where do you see yourself spiritually in 10 years? In 20 years?
  • When the Lord calls you home, how would you like people to remember you?

Expectations

  • Do you have a personal timetable for marriage? If so, what is it?
  • What are expectations about situations where one of us might be alone with
    someone of the opposite sex?
  • What type of education are you hoping that your future wife will have?
  • List the five most important characteristics of a wife (for you personally).
  • List any characteristics or personality traits that would bother or irritate you
    in a wife.
  • How are tasks shared in the home: cleaning, cooking, washing dishes, yard
    work, car upkeep, repairs, shopping for food, and household stuff?
  • What are the expectations for togetherness?
  • What is an ideal non-special evening?

Children

  • Should we have children? If so, when? Why?
  • How many?
  • How far apart?
  • Would we consider adoption?
  • What are the standards of behavior?
  • What are the appropriate ways to discipline them? How many strikes before
    they’re . . . whatever?
  • What are the expectations of time spent with them and when they go to
    bed?
  • What signs of affection will you show them?
  • What about school? Homeschool? Christian school? Public school?

Lifestyle

  • Own a home or not? Why?
  • What kind of neighborhood? Why?
  • How many cars? New? Used?
  • View of money in general. How much to the church?
  • How do you make money decisions?
  • Where will you buy clothes: Department store? Thrift store? In between?
    Why?

Entertainment

  • How much money should we spend on entertainment?
  • How often should we eat out? Where?
  • What kind of vacations are appropriate and helpful for us?
  • How many toys? Snowmobile, boat, cabin?
  • Should we have a television? Where? What is fitting to watch? How much?
  • What are the criteria for movies and theater? What will our guidelines be for
    the kids?

Conflict

  • What makes you angry?
  • How do you handle your frustration or anger?
  • Who should bring up an issue that is bothersome?
  • What if we disagree both about what should be done and whether it is
    serious?
  • Will we go to bed angry at each other?
  • What is our view of getting help from friends or counselors?

Past Sins and Confessions:

  • Are you a virgin? If not, please explain.
  • Did you ask forgiveness of your partner?
  • Were you/are you involved with any of the following: 1. constant thoughts
    about sex 2. Masturbation 3. Homosexuality 4. Pornography. 5. X-rated
    videos, games, internet sites?
  • If you were involved in any of those activities, but are not now, why did you
    stop? If you are still involved, are you willing to seek outside counsel?
  • How do you plan to keep you and your loved one from falling into sexual sin
    prior to marriage?
  • Is there anything in your past that I would be surprised by if I found out?

This list was compiled from questions by: @girldefined @desiringgod @staceymcdonald

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44 Responses to 136 Questions to Ask in a Relationship

  1. Rachel Lee says:

    Bethany! First off, thank you for being an inspiration and sharing this post. I was just curious… how did you go over these questions? Did you and your fiance go over them all at once? Did you initiate/ask the questions? What do you do if your boyfriend doesn’t want to answer the questions? I really hope you answer this <3

    • Bella D. says:

      Yes, I second Rachel! I’d like to know how you did it, too!

    • Hey Rachel, This list took us a few months to finish. We worked through it pretty slowly. We printed up the list and marked off questions as we went. I initiated this list of questions because I had known about it and Dav hadn’t. Dav took the lead on it though and would initiate asking the questions throughout our relationship. Dav and I made the intentional aspect of our relationship enjoyable and fun. We would go out to ice cream and then ask questions. 🙂 If your boyfriend doesn’t want to work through this list, maybe you can ask him what he would like to do. Maybe he has a different idea that’s just as good.

  2. Lili Rosenbaumová says:

    Thank you for interesting ideas 🙂

  3. Irish tai n mai says:

    Really great list of questions that would lead to some deep, important conversations. I particularly like the idea of asking if anything in his past would surprise me. It not only asks for total open honesty, but also tests whether the couple can be truthful NOW, before they enter the marriage covenant. That’s great practice for the skill of being honest about our faults and actions, no matter how much it hurts, which will be a great skill in marriage.

  4. Hannah B says:

    This is an AMAZING list.

  5. C says:

    This seems really ironic since Bethany only dated her fiancé for 7 months and wants a short engagement, yet she’s saying to not rush into relationships? Also, asking these questions can only do so much in a relationship. The guy could always just give you answers that you want to hear. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re honest. Just saying.

    • Annie says:

      I too think that it is a bit hypocritical of Bethany to say to take your time when she didn’t date her fiance for very long at all. But then I don’t think these girls date like most of the world – it’s only group dates, with family etc so they want to have alone time. I believe that it one has convictions not to do x, y or z before marriage it should be because that is what they have decided and so should be able to stick to those morals without outsiders watching.

    • Cecilia says:

      I believe that Bethany and her boyfriend had known each other for years before they entered into relationship, so they didn’t exactly rush things, they were not strangers to each other!

    • C, you have to take the full picture into account. Every relationship is different and every aspect of the relationship must be taken into account. There isn’t a one size fits all mold. Dav and I have known each other for over seven years and have been close friends for the past few. He was being mentored by my dad for the year previous to our relationship. All of that time and friendship gave us the ability to have a shorter relationship and engagement. It’s so important to look at each relationship individually and seek wisdom for that specific relationship.

  6. Annie says:

    I think that these questions are really thought provoking. I do think that discussions around these topics should come up mostly in general conversations rather than interview style questioning. Many of them you’d be able to gauge just by getting to know him and the way he behaves.

  7. Amber Newman says:

    I love these questions and even as a single woman it helps me think about what character I should have now even if I never marry. Thank you so much!

  8. Bella D. says:

    Can you tell me how these conversations went, Bethany? Like did you initiate all the questions, and did he do something similar for you? My brother is looking these questions over, and I think he’d like to know how Dav responded and got to know you in return!

    • Dav really took the lead on these questions. He loves to talk and communicate and so he really enjoyed this list. We both found the questions to be extremely helpful. Even though we knew each other pretty well before hand, this list brought up topics and discussions that were super beneficial. We both recommend it.

      • Bella D. says:

        Thank you! I’ll tell my brother and look forward to my significant other leading on these questions one day! Blessings to you both, Bethany! <3

  9. benshapiro2020 says:

    “Where will you buy clothes: Department store? Thrift store? In between?
    Why?” No hate, but why is this question necessary? Boys normally don’t care much

    • Often times people have different experiences growing up. If the girl is expecting to spend a lot of money on designer brands and the guy is expecting her to find deals, there could be issues. Better to get those sorts of things out on the table ahead of time.

  10. Débora says:

    At what stage of the relationship do I ask about past sins? It can be a complicated issue if you expose yourself to someone you will not move on with.

    • Erika says:

      As soon as it is clear that you are in an intentional relationship for the purpose of finding out if you should get married.

  11. mwita emmy says:

    mhh!, You have known Dav for years, you guys have been friends first, your family knows him; it’s easy to go through the list with someone whom you know for a certain length of time and you have a solid relation with, so my concern is what about someone who is new in a relationship let’s say two month or less and you’ve never been on friendship basis first like you and Dav , how do you know He’s not lying because guys can be scheming at times when they have motives some wants to just prey and ruin you because of your faith , you know!!…
    P.S I asked this based on where I live…it’s hard to find someone who is purely honest with you, people lack trust even in church.

    • Bella D. says:

      Hello Mwita Emmy! I think you have brought up some amazing questions! It would be hard to get to know a newer acquaintance this way. That’s why nearly every young couple who wants to approach marriage and relationships from a God-honoring standpoint has a period of time in which they get to know one another better (some call it courtship, some call it intentional dating, but it’s known by many terms). Since Dav and Bethany knew each other before they entered that get-to-know-you process, it probably didn’t take as long to get to know each other, nitty gritty style, as it would for another couple. Either way can be God honoring, and end up in a solid, strong marriage, but they can be different.

      I think one of the solutions would be to take your time! No one ever said you should date or court (etc.) under a year! I have a friend who was in a relationship for nearly two years so that she could get to know her significant other very well before they became engaged, and she’s very glad she took that time to get to know each other and invest in the future. It also really helps to be praying for your future husband, whether you think you’ve met him or you’re still single as can be. God will reveal if he is the right one or not in time if you enter the relationship with a soft, selfless heart.

      Hope that helps some!

      • mwita emmy says:

        Yeah!, it is helpful!!… So the point is take your time, no rush and surrender all to God!!… Bless you for the eloquent explanation.

    • Val says:

      It is hard to know if a person is being honest with you and there isn’t a method that 100% guarantees that you will discover the lies. I’ve had the same concerns and I usually try to see different things.
      The first one is what he tells about his faith and his values.
      The second thing is how respected he is among friends and family, especially among people who know him well and have known him for some time.
      The third thing is what the does. I am personally opposed to chaperones because I think that it is very easy for a guy to respect you (or pretend to) when your father is watching him, but what does he do when there isn’t anyone watching him? Obviously I am not saying that you should be alone with him at night when his parents aren’t home, but if you are at a restaurant or having a walk and he tries to push your boundaries, it is a huge red flag.

  12. katiehippie says:

    “Are you ever manipulative of others?”
    Like anyone would ever answer yes to this.

  13. Heidi says:

    This was a great post! Thanks for taking the time to share! How long would you recommend waiting to begin asking these questions? What would you recommend for first date questions as well for someone that you do not know well? And congrats on your engagement!

    • Bella D. says:

      @disqus_3yYwqNEAkO:disqus, they have some of those lists on here as well! I’ve searched for them and at least two other came up!

    • Val says:

      I’m not Bethany nor Kristen but I think that I will offer my two cents! I think that on the first date it is nice to have the conversation flow and see where it goes. It is perfectly fine to ask some questions but it is important not to give the other person the impression to be dining with the FBI.

  14. Clara says:

    I love this list!! It is so helpful to talk about the most important topics. And of course, not everything is included, but maybe you can add the question “What do you think about birth control?” and “What do you think about abortion?”. That would fit into Discussion Starters 😉

  15. Addie Sutton says:

    “Have you been exposed to homosexuality?” Well lemme go ask my girlfriend

  16. christian daddy says:

    lmao virgins

  17. the onceler says:

    y’all are legitimately cultists

  18. Vinnie says:

    Hey, I’m a guy and I’ve read your book Love Defined. I met a girl a couple months ago and I asked if she wanted to be in an intentional friendship. We’re both Christians but I lost my virginity to one girl in the past. When’s the best time to bring up that I’m not a virgin?

    • Motlatji Molabe says:

      I think as early as you are comfortable to open up to her because that sets a foundation for accountability in a in an intentional relationship, by that I mean you guys can help each other to stand accountable in purity, considering that that is an important aspect of Godly dating/courtship.

  19. Manda says:

    What are your views on women working outside the home?? Really? Y’all cannot be serious!! It’s 2018 most women prefer to be educated and have a career, therefore working outside the home when they are married. You people are part of a cult smh..seriously though, why do you include this question and not “What are your views on men working outside the home?” There are men you know you stay at home too…

    • lizabee20 says:

      I feel like that is a good question to ask. They never said how the other person should answer. There are many scenarios and differing opinions on the subject and it was one that my husband (then fiancé) and I really had to discuss because of the situation we were about to be in. There were women in the Bible who worked outside of the home (the ones that come to my mind are Phoebe, Priscilla, and Lydia) but those 3 women don’t represent ALL women. Some women may want to stay home and some may prefer to work outside of the home. That’s not to say the Bible would support any family neglect, but it’s still a good conversation to have if you’re planning on marrying a person one day 🙂

  20. Charlie says:

    I (a chrisitan teen girl) am very excited to complete this questions with my girlfriend to deepen our bond with eachtoher and god:)


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