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3 Clear Signs You’re Looking to Guys for Your Security Instead of to God

By: Kristen Clark

I knew exactly where he was in the room at every moment. I was desperate to know more about this tall good looking guy.

As a single girl in high school at the time, I was highly intrigued by this handsome face.

As my head hit my pillow that night, my thoughts were flooded with dreams of “this guy.” I woke up the next morning anxious to see him again. Even though I barely knew his name, I did whatever I could to be near him. Whether purposely walking past him, staring at him from across the room, or simply making myself available, I was consumed with this guy.

As the days and weeks stretched on, I found myself happiest when I was near him, and completely dissatisfied when I wasn’t. The more we chatted, the happier I felt. But if several weeks went by and I heard nothing from him, I would cry on my pillow at night and wonder what was going on.

Slowly but surely, this guy, without even knowing it, had become the source of my security as a girl.

I was no longer satisfied in my relationship with Christ, but was searching for satisfaction through a relationship with this guy.

Have you ever experienced something similar?  

Looking to a guy for our security is something most of us, as Christian girls, struggle with. Whether you’ve struggled with this in the past or are struggling with it right now, looking to guys for security is a common pitfall.

However, the hardest part for us as Christian girls isn’t the fact that we struggle, but seeing clearly enough to recognize when we’re struggling.

During my short-lived obsession with that cute guy, I was blind to my own struggles.

I couldn’t see clearly and didn’t even realize that I had shifted my security off of Christ and totally onto this guy.

Even though the signs were clear to my parents and others, it wasn’t clear to me until I was totally out of it. I’m guessing you’re the same way.

To help you evaluate the current condition of your own heart, I’ve come up with 3 clear signs to help you determine whether or not you’re placing your security in a guy(s), instead of in God.

See if any of these signs match your current (or past) actions.

3 Clear Signs a Girl is Looking to Guys for Her Security Instead of to God:

1. You Desperately Want Guys to Notice You

You don’t really care which guy it is…you just want to be noticed. You desperately want some guy – any guy – to look at you and think you’re gorgeous. You want some guy to single you out and give you special attention. Thoughts like these consume your mind and you regularly wonder why more guys aren’t noticing you.

At times, you might even feel tempted to post some highly filtered, semi-sexy pictures of yourself on your social media accounts to get guys to notice you. You’re just desperate to be noticed, and you’re beginning to feel like you’d do anything to get some male attention.

2. You Manipulate the Circumstances to be Near that One Guy

Just like my story from above, you always know exactly where HE is. If you’re in the same room with him, your eyes are constantly scanning the crowd to make sure you’ve got tabs on his whereabouts. You purposely place yourself in strategic positions to make sure he bumps into you.

If he’s on a certain sports team, you’re always at the game. If he’s on social media, you’re constantly liking and commenting on his images and videos. You’ve even attended certain parties and events just to be in the same room as him. You’ve become a pro at manipulating the circumstances to make sure you’re around him as much as possible.

3. You Think About “Him” Every Waking Moment

You can’t seem to get him off your mind! You think about him and dream about him almost every moment of the day. You regularly check his social media profile to see if he’s posted anything new. You constantly search his old posts and browse his photos all the time.

Your thoughts about this guy fill the pages of your journal and you fall asleep at night dreaming of life together someday. Whether you’re cleaning your room, doing school, working out, sitting in church, or watching a movie…this guy is on your mind.

Okay! How’d you do?? Be honest now.

Could you relate to any of those 3 signs? Could you see your actions and motives in any part of those 3 descriptions? If so, you’re struggling with exactly what I used to struggle with – placing your security in guys, instead of in God.

When we place our security in guys, our actions and motivations instantly change and we become desperate and consumed, as shown in those three examples. We become frantic and dissatisfied with life, turning our emotions into a crazy roller coaster ride.

We’re impatient in our singleness and are always “on the hunt” for attention and affirmation.

However, when we’re secure and satisfied in our relationship with Christ, we don’t need the attention and affirmation from guys to be fulfilled. We’re content and peaceful in our walk with God and that shows in our attitude, actions, and emotions.

Our lives are marked by peace and our emotions are marked by stability. We care more about serving others than manipulating the circumstances around us.

Choose to Find Security in God Instead.  

If this post has helped you discover that you’re looking to guys for your security instead of to God, I really want to challenge and encourage you to do the following things:

  1. Repent of your misplaced affection and idolatry and ask God to help you desire Him more than guys.
  2. Every time you’re tempted to be consumed with “that guy,” choose to redirect your thoughts by pausing and praying for strength to stay focused on God. Memorize a few solid verses to meditate on when you’re feeling tempted.
  3. Don’t browse his social media profile anymore.
  4. When you’re with a group and he’s there, choose to pursue meaningful conversations with other girls instead of chasing him down.
  5. Get in the Word every day so you can learn more about your Savior and develop a deeper love for Him.
  6. Pray for your future husband and focus on staying faithful to him. If God has marriage in your future, your husband is out there, so choose to honor him while you wait.

For more helpful posts on this topic, I highly recommend reading these as well:

Is it Okay to Be Obsessed with Guys?

Chasing After Something Greater Than Guys

5 Strategies for Living With Purpose as a Single Girl

I’d love to hear from you below!

  • Which of the 3 areas from above is a struggle for you now, or has been in the past?
  • What has been personally helpful in your life for overcoming your obsession with a certain guy?

Photo credit: here 

Girl and guy

 

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  • Rachel M.

    Great article Kristen! Those are really good questions that you presented to help girls who are struggling in this area. I personally have never struggled with this issue specifically, but I have let other things get in the way of my relationship with God; so this article really encouraged me to make sure that I am in the Word daily to spend time with my Lord and Savior. Thank you for an amazing post!

  • Great post!

  • Hannah

    I struggle with this issue some but not quite to the extreme that you state here. I realize too that it is a struggle so maybe that’s why I don’t do all of the things you mentioned… i.e. I want guys to notice me but because of my personality (and convictions) I don’t do everything i can to get their (or “his”) attention. It’s more like I want them to notice me for who I am not cause I’m “cool or popular,” etc. It’s definitely a good idea to have Scripture to quote or pray when you find yourself thinking about guys too much. It does work!

  • Kate

    This totally describes me. . .
    (and I always discouraged guy obsession, or pretend its not me)

  • Anne

    This was so helpful! It’s so nice to be reminded that I am not the only one struggling in this area. I especially like the list at the end of the article. It’ll be the perfect thing to reference when I feel myself being tempted. Thank you, Kristen!

  • Alexa

    It’s crazy how you basically described what I was going through. It’s so nice to have these tips. So happy to know I’m not the only one who struggles with this. 🙂

  • Do you guys accept article submissions?

    • Melissa VDA

      They do! I think you can email them about it. 🙂

  • This is a great post 🙂 Love it. Keep up the good work.

  • Anna Hanson

    This particular article hit home with me… I really needed to hear this today..

  • Kimberly

    I have been feeling this way for a long time, and I just needed this article! Thank you! It was eye-opening!

  • marihelen margaret Gloria

    I seriously just stopped living this way a few days ago; I was super guilty of the third one and even though I’m still interested and enjoy spending time with this guy I have found myself thinking more of Christ than thinking of this guy. This was so much help!!!

  • Mary E.

    Hey! Thanks a lot for your article (: I’ve got a question though; I don’t think it is a bad thing in itself to be in love with a guy, but I struggle seeing what in this feeling is good and normal and what is idolatry. Because I really feel like being in love in a way or another involves one of the “symptoms” given above, even if it isn’t that much and the girl still really desires to put Christ at the center. Don’t get me wrong, I know being “in love” is not everything, by far, but I do not think either it is wrong, and I don’t know how to understand these overwhelming feelings. Do you see my point? (-: Any answer is welcomed!

    • ZekeMastadon

      hmm love isn’t about an obsession. If you love someone you want their goodwill, you want them to be holy, you would be willing to sacrifice yourself for them. If its not that then I hate to break it to you, but its not love, its infatuation (which is what most music sings about). Real love is quite a bit different.

      • Jess

        I agree with you, ZekeMastadon. I had been struggling with these not very long ago but the whole time I was so obsessed with this guy I felt guilty but I didn’t know exactly why. Well God got ahold of me and I rededicated my life to Him. Since then, God has been showing me a lot! He has showed me that loving someone isn’t about being around them all the time. Every time they go somewhere with friends, you don’t need to somehow manipulate the circumstances so you can go too. It about serving the other person. So I asked myself, “Am I really willing to serve this person no matter what? Good days or had? Whether I feel like it or not?” Also, even if you love someone, they need space for themselves. They need space and time to grow and to think and to get to know God better. Just some of my thoughts….

  • Danielle Lauren

    I realised a few months ago that I had placed my security in my one guy friend, who I really like. Days when he would chat to our other girl friends I would suddenly be in a really bad mood. I realised my obsession with him and have been working on getting over him. To help me with that and the first sign you mentioned (wanted to receive make attention) I have decided to take a year off of any form of dating. So my focus is not on getting guys to like me. I have an unhealthy obsession to want to get married soon and I’m only 20 so I am forcing myself to break the obsession.
    But it’s nice to know I’m not the only girl who has mistakenly placed her security in guys

  • Kaitlyn Burdick

    I’ve struggled with all of them at some point in my life, but right now I’m only struggling with #1 (which means PROGRESS! ;)) Thank you so much, love, for breaking this down for us!

  • Cassie Kellogg

    I do understand and appreciate the concern of becoming obsessed over a person as that is unhealthy but I’m not convinced that the solution is to just focus on god instead. Frankly, as a young religious person I did not find that method to have a positive effect on me. Instead, what is a significant step toward overcoming obsession is to identify within oneself why you are so attached to this person. Identify the deeper issue within yourself and you can combat that with personal growth.


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