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4 Dangers of a Secret Romance

By: Kristen Clark

Lindsey turned out the lights and quietly opened up her computer. Her parents thought she was turning in for the night, but for Lindsey, things were just getting started.

She quickly logged into Facebook and grinned as she saw Bryan’s name pop up in the chat. Lindsey saw the words, “Hey hottie.” appear in a message from Bryan. “I’ve been looking forward to this all day.”

Lindsey’s heart started pounding a little bit harder. “Ohhh, really?” She replied. “I guess I have been too…” She teased. “So…you think I’m hot, huh?”

The conversation went on like this for three hours.

Lindsey and Bryan met each other at a Christian youth camp several months before but hadn’t seen each other in person since then.

They spent several hours almost every night flirting, joking, and teasing one another through Facebook chat. Neither of their parents were aware of how much time they were spending online doing this.

Several more months went by and their conversations began turning south. What used to be innocent teasing turned into sensual and provocative interaction.

This was new territory for each of them and they enjoyed the intimacy and secrets they shared with one another. Bryan started calling Lindsey his “secret lover girl.” They fanned the flames of romance and passion night after night in the dark shadows where nobody could see.

Engaging in a secret romantic relationship is easier than it’s ever been before.

Lindsey and Bryan aren’t unique in their story. With so many online chatting programs and social media tools, a girl and guy don’t have to search very hard to engage in a romantic fling.

What used to be done only in person (or snail mail) can now be done entirely online. The scariest part about the entire thing is that it can all take place inside the four private walls of a person’s bedroom.

Why is this so scary? Because a secret romantic relationship can be extremely dangerous stuff.

Here me out.

Check out these four reasons for why I think online flings are dangerous. See if you can relate to any of them.

1. Privacy encourages intimacy.

When you engage in private, online communication with a guy, you’re a lot more likely to share things with him that you would feel awkward saying in person. You develop feelings of closeness and intimacy with the guy because you and him share a secret together.

Since nobody else sees what’s going on, you feel “safe” to share whatever comes to your mind. Sharing things like personal secrets, romantic dreams and sensual fantasies become easy and exciting to do.

2. Accountability disappears.

Since nobody sees your online communication, nobody is there to raise a red flag if something goes south. If you or the guy take the conversation down an impure path, it’s hard to stop it. Our flesh is weak and it’s easy to justify and make excuses for things when nobody else sees what’s going on.

Having godly accountability is hugely important for pointing out blind spots, giving wise advice, and helping you overcome temptation. “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17).

3. You gain a false sense of love.

Engaging in a secret online romance can give you feelings of true love, even though you barely know the guy. Sweet nothings get thrown around and before you know it you’re head over heels crazy about the guy.

You look forward to every future conversation and obsess about him in your mind. He makes you feel so good about yourself and you begin to think that he might actually love you. Your version of love becomes skewed by your feelings of infatuation. True love isn’t based on feelings but is based on actions (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

4. Things rarely end well.

All good things must comes to an end, they say. In this case, even not-so-good things must come to an end. Unless you’re going to marry the guy, your online romance is going to end sooner or later. After investing so much time and emotion into one guy it can be really hard to let him go.

You’ve told him some of your deepest secrets, biggest dreams, and shared intimate moments with him. In a sense, you’ve given him a part of your heart and it’s not easy to say goodbye.

So what do you think? Are secret online romances worth it?

In my opinion, no way.

The losses far outweigh the gains.

These secret relationships are rarely interested in long-term commitment. They’re a quick, easy way to have a romantic buzz without getting too serious with anyone.

Instead of wasting your time (and your heart) on a guy this way, save yourself for a real “face-to-face” relationship. Save your romance for a guy who is actually mature enough to do something about it. Save your secrets and dreams for a guy worth waiting for.

I want to challenge you to honor God in every area of your life, including your online interactions. After all, there are no secrets with God. He sees everything. “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to Whom we must give account” (Hebrews 4:13).

What about you?

  • Are you currently engaging in a secret online romance? If so, what’s the purpose?
  • Do you find it tempting to flirt with guys online? Are you tempted to share intimate thoughts with guys online?
  • In what ways are you giving away your heart to guys online? How could you do a better job of honoring God with your online communication?

I’d love to hear from you in the comment section below.

Photo credit: www.flickr.com | Βetha

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  • Kristina

    I needed this for encouragement!
    We (my family) has just recently had this happen. My sister ended up moving in with her now boyfriend. I never expected her to do anything like it, but one morning we woke up an she was gone. To all the ones out there that are involved or have thought of it, Please don’t get started or stop if you already have. It’s not worth the heart ache.

    • Wow, Kristina. I am sure that was/is very hard for your family. Sometimes what starts out as something “innocent” can end in devastating ways. Being wise and cautious is so important.

      • Kristina

        Yes it is. It opened my eyes to what can happen if I don’t have my parents involved. I’m praying for the best to happen out of this. Thank you for your encouraging an uplifting emails! I love them!

  • Courtney

    I think there is a time when it is okay but you need to have accountability with someone who knows you well and won’t let you fool them into thinking things are ok if they’re not. My husband and I met through his sister but he lived in Pennsylvania while I lived in Iowa. It was hard and we had a lot of conversations about purity, modesty etc. she is a great friend and role model for me and has been throughout everything. For us the online didn’t last long but turned into phone conversations which is another tough area where you need to be careful. I know we talked too late sometimes and should have been more careful. We would fly back and forth to visit one another but made sure we were never alone in a house together. I then moved to Pennsylvania after we got engaged and lived with his parents and he moved out. (Still being careful to never be alone in a private area together) all this to say- it depends on the situation and the people but you need accountability for sure in any dating situation. I will say that both of our parents were aware also. Now we have been married for 5 years, have an 8 month old daughter and work with our youth group at church. I so appreciate your articles and the topics you’re willing to tackle! They are an encouragement to me as I strive to encourage our youth group girls.

    • Thanks for sharing Courtney. You had some great points. So glad our website is a blessing to you!

  • DJ

    You know….the best and worst thing about a secret is the fact that you have a secret. It can add “excitement” to your life, but then again, other people can’t share your joy. I remember having a similar “secret lover” in my past. I can agree 10-fold that the relationship ends in hurt and gives you a false sense of love. I remember sinking deeper and deeper into a pit and by the time I realized where I really was; shame, frustration, confusion, and loneliness were my four walls. In spite of everyone I knew, it took my God in Heaven to break those unnatural strings. Love and infatuation really do have thin lines separating them.

  • DA

    I definitely agree with you PK. Nothing that is done in the dark is of God. I have no issue with online communication between people who are getting to know one another for relationship purposes (such as I’m Courtney’s case). What I do have an issue with is couples who isolate themselves from others (e.g., parents, friends, clergy, etc.) and effectively decrease the chance that they will be held accountable for what they say/do online. It’s very easy to fall into sin when there are no accountability measures in place. Also, individuals may get prematurely “intimate” with one another because of the whole set up of these online encounters…it’s almost like a pressure cooker situation o_O lol. So many people have fallen into this trap; and I really think there’s not enough information out there about these types of issues. I love this blog post and will be sharing with my youth group. These “relationships” never ever end well :-/

  • Faith

    Thanks for the great post! I enjoy reading your posts. This is definitely a topic that should be discussed with girls everywhere. I have had that secret online relationship. And I have to agree with you it’s not worth it! It definitely gives you a false sense of love. I lived for every evening when we would get on facebook and chat until midnight or later. We talked of everything even things we wouldn’t have said to each others face. We only “dated” online for about 4 months, but when we broke it off my heart broke. It took me weeks to get back to normal life and to fill my evenings with more profitable things. Another thing is if you meet online you do not truly know the person, you only know what they tell you about themselves. You don’t see them in their daily lives and how they act. Too many people end up leaving their friends and family to live with a person they only know online and not in real life. It’s a lot like living in a fantasy world!!! My advice would be DON’T get involved in a online relationship.

  • Cara

    I Can in a sense understand this what you are saying, but, my love story began on line.

    I first became friends with my Boyfriend (of 8 months) on facebook. he was my friends boyfriend at the time.
    they broke up, and I began to console both of them, and through that, He and I both realized that we had a lot in common.

    We talked for a whole year, just on facebook.
    My parents knew I was talking with him, his parents knew he was talking with me.
    We shared scripture, dreams, thoughts, childhood memories, and everything in between.

    We started to flirt a little, but it was never in a sensual manner. for example, he would say “I really enjoy our conversations, they mean a lot to me”.
    and 6 months into the relationship, we met for the first time.
    He came to Tennessee, with his Parents, and we (my Parents and I, him and his parents) all had a wonderful time.
    The reason I believe this relationship has gone so well is because, in the beginning, we Both set down rules for the relationship, such as:
    no kissing, only side hugs.
    And we both had/have strong convictions that stem from our Faith.
    So dirty talking on facebook, or on the phone, was never an option. and I haven’t wanted to talk dirty to him.
    I LOVE our pure relationship, It was not born out of Lust….it was born out of friendship!
    I believe the key to any “Good” relationship, is GOD.
    If GOD is at the center of your relationship, everything else will be of a pure nature, and fall into place.
    In no way Am I, or my boyfriend perfect….but we have a perfect God at the center of our relationship.
    So, as I said….I can understand what you are saying. but not all relationship’s that start online are of a bad nature 🙂
    God bless.


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