4 Ways to Bring Femininity Into Your Love Life

By: Kristen Clark

If you’ve read anything about my love story with Zack, you know that there was quite a bit of time between when we met and when we actually got into a relationship. This was an extremely hard time for me. For three long years, I wondered if anything would ever happen between us. We were slowly growing in our friendship during this time, but Zack wasn’t making any moves. I could tell he was interested, but for some reason unbeknownst to me, he didn’t initiate a romantic relationship (more on that here).

This is where things got tricky for me. Being a go-getter kind of girl, I desperately wanted to initiate things and get the ball rolling. I wanted to take our friendship to the next level. I was tired of being patient.

As I wrestled with my inner struggles and feelings, I remember going on a walk one day to clear my thoughts.

As I walked, I turned on some Christian music. As the first song played in my ears, the lyrics pierced my heart. The band sang about surrendering everything to God. They sang about following God and trusting Him no matter what. They sang about the goodness and faithfulness of God’s timing.

Tears started welling up in my eyes as I listened to the words. I prayed silently and confessed my lack of trust to God. I confessed my impatient and anxious heart and asked God to forgive me. And lastly, I prayed for strength to trust in God’s good timing, no matter what.

My heart found peace and rest that day. And little did I know that Zack would initiate a relationship only a few months later.

In this modern day and age, my choice to be patient and surrender things isn’t what we’re encouraged to do as women.

When it comes to romantic relationships, we’re encouraged to initiate, pursue, speak up, make it happen, and take the reins. As tempting as this is for all of us, we need to view our femininity through a Biblical lense.

As we say in our book Love Defined, “Biblical masculinity and femininity are rarely viewed as positive things anymore. We don’t like the idea of the male and female having differing roles and distinctions in a relationship. It is often assumed that being different must mean being “less than.”

Thankfully, God shows us in Genesis 1 and 2 that we aren’t “less than.”

He created the male and female to be completely equal in value and worth, but purposely different in roles and function. Even our physical bodies testify to this complimentary design. I love the way Elisabeth Elliot describes this:

“By the grace of God we have not been left to ourselves in the matter of who is to do the initiating. Adam needed a helper. God fashioned one to the specifications of his need and brought her to him. It was Adam’s job to husband her, that is, he was responsible—to care for, protect, provide for, and cherish her. Males, as the physical design alone would show, are made to be initiators. Females are made to be receptors, responders.”

In the New Testament God unpacks this design even further by revealing the “mysteries” of marriage.

The man is called to be a loving and sacrificial leader to his family, while the wife is called to respect and receive his leadership (Ephesians 5).

“When a woman chooses to take her femininity into her love life, it’s a reflection of God’s good and intentional design. Gender distinctions are a beautiful reflection of Christ and the Church. Marriage is ultimately a reflection of the gospel. Our femininity isn’t really about us anyway; it’s about us embracing this distinction for God’s glory.” —Love Defined

Taking femininity into your love life is a choice. And although there isn’t a one-size-fits-all mold in how to do this, there are helpful Biblical truths that we can embrace.

Here are 4 practical ways to bring femininity into your love life right now.

1. Let Him Initiate.

As hard as this is sometimes (trust me, I know!), we must choose to be patient. It’s easy to manipulate things to get what we want. But this doesn’t usually end well. Not in the long run. As you think about your future marriage, what kind of husband do you want? One who is passive and unassertive? Or one who can lead and pursue? If you don’t give the guy space to initiate now, you’ll never know what kind of man he truly is.

2. Encourage Godly Leadership.

The words we speak are powerful. They will either do good or harm to those who hear them. Another great way to embrace your femininity is by being a woman who speaks words of life. Whether you’re single or married, choose to encourage the guys in your life in God-honoring ways. Compliment the godly qualities you see in them. Thank them for being leaders when they initiate.

Proverbs 16:24 says, “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.”

3. Promote Purity.

In this day and age, society tells us that beauty and seduction are the same thing. If we want guys to “notice” us, we’re encouraged to flaunt our bodies and be sexually alluring. But when we step back and view this from a Biblical lense, we quickly see how selfish and sexually impure these actions are. Rather than being like the seductive woman of Proverbs 7, God wants us to promote purity in the guys around us (1 Thess. 4:3-5). Whether it’s our body language, touch, words, or dress, we can embrace our femininity in ways that encourage guys toward purity — not away from it.  

4. Point Him to Christ.

When it comes to romantic relationships, so often our focus is rooted in one thing — ourselves. We’re consumed with our own needs, our wants, and our desires. Instead of using our lives to point the guy toward Christ, we draw his eyes toward us. This is ultimately stealing from God’s glory. Instead, we need to pray that God would change our hearts. The greatest thing that could happen between you and any guy is this: That your love for Christ would increase as a result of your interactions with one another.

When it comes to the romantic interests in your life, you have a choice to make.

Will you take your femininity into your love life? Or will you charge ahead, take the lead, and manipule things to get what you want? I pray you will choose to trust God. His design is good for us. His plan for our femininity is beautiful. He will be most glorified in our lives when we live according to his design.

For more on this topic, I encourage you to read chapter 6 of Love Defined: Embracing God’s Vision for Lasting Love and Satisfying Relationships.  

Let’s chat.

What do you find most challenging about bringing your femininity into your love?

Photo Credit

Couple chatting.

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  • Anonymous

    Thank you Kristen! This is a really hard topic for me, and this post came just at the right time.

  • Shanae B

    Very true about the culture’s view on this topic. I went through a brief time in my early twenties were I tried to initiate relationships with guys instead of leaving it in God’s hand and it didn’t serve me well. But thankful God got me through that! Just got my copy of Love Defined, thanks for adding to the biblical based content on topics like this! 🙂

  • Sarah J

    Is it okay to initiate conversation to get to know a guy better? Or should you leave that also up to him?

    • Shanae B

      It depends on what your intention and focus in the conversation is. If it’s just you being nice and friendly in a genuine and general way then that should be fine! If it’s you trying to get him to like you and you focus on getting all his attention on you only then that’s probably not a good idea.

    • Jason Garrick Shirtz

      YES!!! It is ok!! 🙂

      Honestly, something you should know, is that not all Christians agree with the doctrines of biblical femininity as they are stated here.

      If you personally subscribe to these ideas, fine that’s your choice but if you don’t then there is no reason to limit your love life to rules that not all Christians think are actually rules.

      • Shanae B

        Just because you’re emasculated by feministic society, and are hurt and angry about it (as you should be, and I’m sorry for that happening to you). Doesn’t make you a biblical athority on this topic. The book of Ruth is far beyond that and realistically Ruth didn’t initiate. She followed God and her mother in law. She didn’t come up with the things she did do.

      • Jason Garrick Shirtz

        I’m kinda sorta just laughing at your response here.

        I’m not at all “emasculated by feministic society” nor am I hurt and angry about it.
        As for whether or not “i’m a biblical authority” that’s not really a useful point unless you personally are one.

        As for your argument that “she followed God and her mother in law” Yes, yes she did. Her mother-in-law’s God-given advice was for her to intentionally ask Boaz to follow levarate law and marry her, rather than waiting for him to initiate that conversation with her, on his terms.

        How much of that applies to modern data is a pretty lengthy and involved debate that’s been argued over for the past several centuries, so instead of claiming that I’m 100% right, and you are 100% wrong, I’m very, very content to claim “some Christians say this is an example of a Godly woman exercising initiative in a relationship, others disagree.”

        I’m also willing to state “How any individual Christian woman chooses to interpret these passages is a matter that is entirely between her, and God, and how she chooses to act upon said interpretation, is a matter of her own personal conscience.”

        • Shanae B

          You seem very partial and incompetent in this area. My comment is no laughing matter and this comment of yours just proved mine right. Because if you weren’t what I stated you wouldn’t have committed like you have.

        • Jason Garrick Shirtz

          …. Could you please say which straws I’m grasping at?

          Just claiming my argument is bogus, without providing any evidence or argumentation to support it is lazy, and unhelpful.

          not to mention a tad condescending.

    • Jason Garrick Shirtz

      As I mentioned in my comment to the entire post, the Book of Ruth is a great counter-example of a woman taking the imitative in her love life!!

      It’s the story of Ruth, a widowed woman who under the guidance of her Mother-in-Law Naomi initiates a relationship with Boaz, with the end result of her being married to him.

      Ruth did so in accordance to accepted Jewish customs at the time, so my thoughts here would be “as long as you act appropriately according to the rules and customs of the society and faith that you are in” you taking some initiative/showing some interest in a guy is 100% ok and biblical supportable.

  • Alice

    What is your opinion about telling a guy you like him? Is it what you mean by not letting him initiate? I just want to be honest with him…

  • Mary

    Ok so I have a question, I’m pretty much in a situation like you, I’ve been really good friends with this guy for quite a few years now, I’m in my late 20’s, anyway, we are like really, really good friends like you and Zach were. We have opposite personalities and get a long with each other really well, but like you, there has never been any romance…Aside from my feelings for him, which I keep to myself. My question is, how do you balance not knowing if your friend is “The one” and other interests in guys. I admit that there are other guys that i’m interested getting to know, but even when I become friends with other guys, I never feel the same about them as I do with this guy. I don’t want to stay stuck on someone if he’s NOT God’s will for my life, but I also don’t want to use another guy, to try and “get Over” this guy. Were you ever in that place with your relationship/friendship with Zach? Did you ever date/talk with other guys while you were really liking Zach? I just want to stay balanced, I don’t want to block out all other potentials but I don’t want to use anyone either when I still have extremely strong feelings for my friend!

    • Erika

      That sounds tough… Keep praying about it and try not to guess too much about who is “the one”. If the guy you’re interested in is the one God is preparing you for, then he will marry you when the time is right. In case he isn’t, try to see him and all other guys as brothers in the Lord, who might also be someone else’s future husband. The key to minimizing heartache if a romantic relationship ends is to remember that you aren’t bound to each other until you are married. This amazing brother in Christ could just as well be someone else’s future husband, just as you could be someone else’s future wife. I read this in “I kissed dating goodbye” and I think it’s a solid and helpful perspective. Hope this helps you too!

  • Mary

    I LOVE YOUR GUY’s FAMILY BLOG!!! I wanna hear and see all about your guy’s Holidays!!!! Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years…Idk why but I love seeing all your big family parties and you need to do it before the big Valentine’s Party you have every year!!! :)))) Tell Elissa to start updating again!!! Puleeeeeeeze!!!! (:

  • Diana

    I needed this right now! Definitely this week! Thank you Kristen, for being real. I pray God’s blessings on Girl Defined ministry. I appreciate it.

  • Katarina Hedman

    You’re making a goose out of a feather. There’s nothing in the bible on gender roles, and quite a few theologians agree that the verses that mention headship is really about reminding the christians who their source is (the word translated into “head” can also mean source”). So when one talks about men being the source of women it is common sense to assume that it also implies that women are the source of men (i.e. you cannot procreate alone 😉 ), pointing to the fact that we all need each other, and more than anything we need Jesus. It doesn’t make a case for marital hierarchy. These “guidelines” aren’t biblical, they’re first and foremost American. 😉

    • Tamara

      Dear Katarina, I totally agree with you. I come from a very religious European country and still people have far more progressive and healthy views on relationships. (Some extreme) Americans take everything to extremes 🙂

  • Mackenzie Alexis

    so… i thought this guy liked me and i liked him, but now some other friends made it awkward and now i dont think he does. or at least hes not showing it. I want to first and foremost be friends with him and continue our godly friendship. Any suggestions on how to protect my heart during this time or tips on being patient and not making a fool out of my self?
    Any suggestions welcome!

    • Bree Smith

      I was in a very similar situation recently, and I know how hard it is. First of all, you’ve already taken a very important step – making sure your friendship is godly. From personal experience, I’d advise you to make sure you think of him as a friend and not to let yourself get caught up in dreaming about him. Also, try to spend time with other friends, including guys, so you aren’t completely focused on him. But the most important thing you can remember is that this guy does not determine your worth. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if he likes you or if his feelings have changed – your worth comes from God Himself, and nothing and no one can change that. You are loved, you are lovely, and you are His child. God bless!

  • Nola

    This is so dumb and sexist and you are telling us to do things that no where in the Bible does it says to do.

  • Anna Kae

    I think this is very godly advice. Thank you, Kristin, for challenging me in these things.

  • cherry

    is it okay to pray for a specific guy to marry? did you specifically pray for Zack for those 3 years?

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