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How to Be Intentionally Available Without Chasing Boys

By: Kristen Clark

“Do you think there is a difference between chasing a boy and maturely showing interest in one?” -Rachel

This question popped up after we posted a popular article called “When Girls Chase Boys They Don’t Get What They Want.” If you haven’t read it yet, you should! Check it out here, then come back and finish this blog.

Back to Rachel. She asks a great question. I used to wrestle with this question myself. In fact, the conclusion I came to was instrumental during my early relationship with Zack.

Is it possible to maturely initiate interest in a guy?

Well, it depends on what we mean by the word initiate. The dictionary describes the word like this: “cause (a process or action) to begin.”

“Cause a process or action to begin…” Hmmmm, is it possible for a mature Christian woman, with the right motives and a pure heart, to cause an action to begin? Well…yes! In fact, Christian single women can play a key part in helping a godly relationship begin.

Now, obviously I am not a fan of girls chasing boys. I’m not a fan of girls pursuing boys. I’m not a fan of girls asking boys out. But I’m also not a fan of a girl sitting silently at home and waiting for Mr. Right to come knocking down her door.

There’s a fine line between a girl chasing/pursuing a guy and a girl maturely initiating some action.

One of the biggest problems I’ve seen amongst Christian single girls is the idea that they can’t do anything to help themselves get married. They believe that letting a guy lead means they can’t do anything to encourage a relationship.

I don’t think this is right.

God definitely (without a doubt) calls the man to be the leader and pursuer, but nowhere does he tell the woman to make it hard to be pursued.

Godly Christian single girls need to learn the art of intentional availability.

Now before I go any further let me make a few things clear.

This article is targeted at godly, mature Christian girls who are of marrying age. If you’re 14, this is great info to learn, but not totally applicable to your season of life yet (just stick with the previous post for now). Also, this post is in direct response to my previous post which explained why girls shouldn’t chase boys.

So, if you shouldn’t chase boys, what can you do to maturely initiate some action? That takes us back to the art of intentional availability.

In the Bible, Ruth was very intentional with her actions towards Boaz (see Ruth 3). Her actions made it very clear that she was interested in something more than a friendship. She “initiated” (caused a process to begin) with Boaz. After she initiated some action, she then stepped back and allowed him to take the lead.

I think we, as mature Christian girls, can do the same thing in the context of our culture today.

When I first met Zack, there was an obvious mutual attraction between us.

Instead of hiding myself away, I made myself intentionally available. This looked like me intentionally seeking out a conversation with him, purposely going to his choir performance, attending a specific Christian conference because he was going, and staying late at a mutual friend’s birthday party simply to chat with him in groups.

I never asked him out. I never verbally told him I was interested. I just made myself available to get to know him. He was a godly guy and I wanted it to be clear that I was open for something more when he was ready.

Now, there’s still a fine line even here.

If Zack had made it obvious to me that he wasn’t interested, I would have stopped making myself available. That’s where “chasing” boys comes into play. Once the guy is obviously disinterested, don’t push the relationship. Don’t lead. Don’t manipulate. Take a step back and give it the Lord.

If you’re a godly single girl of marrying age and don’t have a specific guy in mind, you can still make yourself available.

Marriage is a wonderful institution and a noble thing to prepare for and strive for.

Here are some ideas for you single girls (of marrying age) to make yourself intentionally available. Go to Bible studies where there are godly young men attending. Find Christian conferences where you might meet some godly options. Choose a church where you have the opportunity to fellowship with other single men and women. Serve in a ministry where other mature singles serve. Go on a young adults missions trip. And a gazillion other things.

The options are endless.

The Bible says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing” (Proverbs 18:22). Yes, the man finds the woman…but the woman doesn’t have to be hiding. *wink*

If you’re a godly young woman with a desire for marriage, I encourage you to find the proper balance. Don’t chase guys down. Don’t manipulate things to get what you want. Don’t pursue guys. Simply make yourself available and leave the results to God.

For an interesting read on this topic, I recommend grabbing a copy of a fascinating book by Candace Watters called Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen. Find it here.

There’s a lot more I want to say on this topic but I’m out of time. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Do you agree? Disagree? Do you think godly Christian single girls can initiate action in a mature way? Do you think it’s okay for a single woman to make herself available? Do you have any tips for single girls in this stage of life?

Share your thoughts, comments and questions below! I love chatting with you.

 Photo Credit: www.flickr.com | CreativeMornings

Girl and guy talking

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  • Azi

    Thanks for posting again, Kristen. I can’t comment as someone in a relationship but I can comment as someone who desires good from relationships, not just romantic ones.

    I think, above all things, a girl must be honest with herself and God and what she needs from a relationship. If she is truly interested in a guy, she should let him know that she likes his company. And then, ultimately, she has to let him decide the next move. A relationship can’t just be one person calling the shots: there has to be a mutual understanding. If both the girl and guy are honest with themselves and each other, they will realize this.

    As a single person, I would say the best way to prepare for a relationship (if it happens and you’re called to one) is to learn about yourself and what God wants you to do and then live it. I’m striving for that as often as I can nowadays.

    • Elyonara Borges

      I agree with you! 🙂

  • CT

    These days I’m learning to filter everything, including good Christian blogs, through what Bible says — bottom line. With that filter on, as I’m reading this post, my initial reaction is that this approach may or may not work depending on the person. Ultimately, you must be led by the Holy Spirit. Oh, and might I also mention, no approach will work unless it is grounded by much prayer and time in the Word; that must be your highest priority before you begin seeking a relationship.

  • Allie

    I agree with one part, and I disagree with other part. I agree because there´s a clear biblical example. That´s what Ruth did. And well, if you know he is interested, I think it´s not a bad thing to make him notice you are available 🙂
    But, do you think there is a moment when you should confess your feelings towards him? What if he has not showed interest, is it ok to be available?

    I don´t agree with the part when you said you have to be in a place where you can be found. I´ve heard many amazing stories of girls in the middle of nowhere, devoted to God, and even there the Lord knew where they were and led their future husbands to them by many circumstances.
    I feel like (and I think you did´t mean this; please don´t think I´m against you) what you wrote gave the idea that if you want to be married, your goal is being found, that you have to do all you can to be found. And I think you have to do all you can to find God. If you seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, He will add what you need. Sometimes I think I use God as an excuse to get what I want, but I should seek Him first. Marriage is not the goal, being like Jesus is.
    Sooo I think that as you try to serve God and love Him he takes you to a place where you may be found, it´s great, but if He takes you to the middle of nowhere, you can still trust that He knows where you are and write the most amazing love story for you. Just, let his Spirit guide you!
    What do you think?

    Please, I don´t mean to be harsh, It´s my conclusion after what I´ve lived and being living, and what God has taught me. And I know, God’s plan for each of us may be absolutely different 🙂

    • Jesusfreak17

      I think if you’ve read the other article this stemmed from you won’t get the impression that she’s saying the goal is to be found. She clearly meant this in relation to the other article to clarify that she really doesn’t think girls should initiate but that doesn’t mean a girl can’t start a conversation with a guy or that she has to hide away and never initiate anything with a guy. (@ CT too) Also, she’s not saying that this is THE approach for everyone but that it’s one we can and should consider.

      • Allie

        Thank you!
        This clarifies my perspective of what she was trying to say 🙂

        Anyways, I think we need really close to the Lord and ask Him to guide us in every move we make 🙂

        • Jesusfreak17

          Of course! I’m glad it helped. (Go Jesus!)
          For sure!

  • Evi

    I agree completely! This is sorta what happened to me. I went to Texas to volunteer at a ministry. I knew that there was this one really nice guy there, but when I went in May I was determined NOT to like him. But we kept accidentally running into each other. Or I should actually say it was more like accidental on my part, not on his. God really changed my heart during the 2 months that I was there and I became open to a possible relationship with the guy in the future (relationships are not allowed at this ministry while they are there because it’s like a guys school and so they don’t want them to be distracted.). I already had plans to go back last September because I really felt like that’s the way God had been leading me since February. I went back and we got to know each other better. Later in Sept. I called my dad and told him about the guy and my interest in him and asked my dad to please start praying about it. In one of my conversations with this guy he told me that there was just something about a girl willing to live at home under her fathers protection and authority. I knew that he was telling me he wanted me to go back home after that semester at this ministry. I talked to my dad about it and he agreed and I knew that God was saying that it was going to be time for me to go home in December. But during those 3 months I made it known to him that I was available and that I was interested in something more than just a friendship. Now we’re both at home. He’s working as a paramedic and I’m working as a receptionist. He’s in Texas and I’m in Colorado. We’ve sort of put or relationship on hold till he feels like he can pursue it further. We’re simply waiting on God for His timing and will to be revealed. It’s been super hard but it’s been probably some of the best months of my life. My relationship with God has grown. I saw this saying on Pinterest the other day ~ “The right relationship won’t distract you from God. It will bring you closer to Him.” This is so true. I know that this relationship with this guy has pushed me in my relationship with Christ and to draw closer to Him.
    I’ve been praying asking what God’s will for me right now is, and I came across this verse yesterday ~ “Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thes 5:16-18
    Also I came across this verse shortly after I got home ~ “I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.” Job 42:2 It’s a comfort to know that He’s in control and His plans always go as He had planned from the beginning. He works everything out for His glory.

    • Evi

      Also I want to thank you for this post!! It really encouraged me!!

  • jiujiitsulover

    Thank you for writing this post! I will definitly keep it in mind and read again. I do have one question though. What are the signs or signals that a guy isn’t interested in a realtionship? How do you know when to stop intentionally making youself available?

  • Quite Distinguished

    Thanks Kristen! It’s always been tough for me to see and understand the difference between chasing, and letting a guy know I’m available (the line between the two is soooo fine…). Your story and suggestions are very helpful. 🙂 I get embarassed easily, and tend to get especially nervous and shy around guys I’m interested in knowing better…or who I find attractive…so I think I tend to pull back too much (in my shyness) and probably give the impression I’m not open or interested at all. I can see now that God has definitely been growing me in this area of my life by placing me in situations over the past 2 years or so where I have no one to “hide behind” and I have to step out in boldness and be much more friendly and outgoing in uncomfortable situations with people in general (including guys).

    Your story gives me the impression that you were essentially being a friend to Zach….not trying over-and-above or finagling situations to make him like you or to gain his attention…but just doing what you would normally do with/for a friend. Of course there would be differences…..you probably wouldn’t call Zack up and see if he wanted to meet up for coffee after work…..but you would with a female friend. When you genuinely enjoy someone’s company, you naturally want to spend time with them and enjoy your common interests together. When you care about someone, you want to give of yourself (time, advice,….etc.) rather than merely take for yourself. Based on your post, the biggest difference I see between chasing and making oneself available is the primary focus fo the heart: self gratification (chasing) or blessing and being blessed by others (making oneself available). Sorry, I don’t feel I’m expressing myself well….but I hope you get the gist of what I’m trying to say. 🙂

  • Faith Christine

    Wow…thank you for this!! This is definitely a very balanced article. I certainly don’t want to be one of those girls who hides away. I’m almost 22, graduated from college, have my own music studio of 25 students, and definitely ready (according to my parents) for marriage. But it’s hard to know the fine balance. Is it okay to initiate conversations with guys? I want the opportunity to get to know someone, but don’t want them to think I’m pursuing after them.
    I’m definitely involved in a lot of the things you mentioned. A young adult’s Bible study, in a professional orchestra, ministry opportunities, etc. I certainly don’t want to stay hidden. Also attending a homeschool conference this next week.
    This has been an encouragement to me. More than anything, I just want to encourage my brothers in the Lord, because I believe that is what God calls us to. After all, there is only going to be one man that we marry, so we might as well treat them all like brothers in Christ. I just choose to encourage my brothers in the Lord, and point them back to Christ in every conversation. Someday, I know that God will take one of those friendships a step further. 🙂
    I definitely don’t want guys to think I’m chasing, but do want them to know I’m available. So thank you for this article! Good advice for me!

  • Kathy Kennedy Vaughn

    I’m so glad to have found this blog. I seem to be, perhaps, on the other side of the spectrum. I was married 34+ years and found myself, unexpectedly, widowed 3 1/2years ago. I’m finding myself ready, yet not totally prepared for a new relationship. Let me explain. After I lost my husband, whom I loved dearly, God set me on a new path, a new journey, as it were. He has helped me grow from being a married woman, into a single/widowed woman. That is one hard journey, but one that I had to do in order to follow Christ’s plan for me. Which is my hearts biggest desire. A persons grieving is unique to them. Everyone grieves differently, and everyone grieves for their own personal time. Mine was right at 2 1/2 years. Me personally; I don’t grieve anymore, thankfully. Now I find myself on this path interested in a godly relationship. As a 57 year old woman, you would think things would be different. It isn’t. There seems to be the same male/female games being played. I don’t play games. So it makes it difficult. Here’s the problem. When I was a teen, girls did NOT pursue guys at all like they do today. So now I’m thrust into that scenario of a single guy where women are totally pursuing him. I found myself falling into that game. Let me tell you, it’s a miserable game that I am not going to play. That’s why I’m saying thank you for this article. It brought me back to where I should’ve been all along. This is one of my prayers God has answered. I haven’t understood completely, until now. So, my question to you is, do you think anything is different for a “more seasoned” Christian woman than that of a younger woman who has never been married? Again, thank you for this article.

  • Princess4Hvn

    I’m thankful I came across this article. I believe in letting the man lead, but have been told that I have a part to play too, I just wasn’t sure what. Thanks for helping to clear it up.
    Personally I’ve decided to pray that if something is to come from a certain friendship God will reveal it to him. In the mean time I’ll pray for my future husband, and for the young men in my circle, and for them to find godly wives. I’m going to treat him like I treat the other young men in the group. I won’t mention my attraction unless the conversation goes that way because I think that would spark something. I want a relationship to be based on character and friendship as God leads, not feelings.
    A good rule of thumb is, if you were married, how would you act. This helps to prevent talking too much or sharing too deep too soon.

  • Michael M

    I think a single woman definitely has to make herself available . I don’t pursue women because I got sick and tired of meeting women who already have boyfriends . The woman I meet act like they’re not interested in men . If a woman acts like she’s not interested in men, she’s not interested in men . I don’t like women who play hard — to — get . A single woman has to let herself be unattached and available . She can’t marry Kenny the Christian if she’s going steady with Jimmy the Jerk , I’d love it if a woman pursued me, and I’d love it if a woman asked me to marry her !

  • Julia

    I agree completely! I do have a hard time sitting back and waiting but I am trying to wait on God’s timing. I do have a question. Social media. Would you or would you not ask a guy (that you could be or would like to have a relationship with) to be your friend or follow him on social media? Is that chasing after him? Or just simply saying you are there. I feel like I shouldn’t be the one to ask first but at the same time idk. Does it matter. I am not a huge fan of social media but do occasionaly get on it. What do you suggest? Future blog post?

  • Amanda Frank

    Thank you for this post! My parents have been talking to me about this subject and this post supported and clarified everything they have been saying!

  • Pingback: Showing Interest Without Chasing Boys – Glory and Honor()

  • Ana

    This is AMAZING!! Thank you, I am a mature christian single girl. and I do pray to God for a husband.

  • magni

    Great article! I absolutely agree that we shouldn´t be hiding ourselves, waiting for “Mr Right”. We have to remember that some guys can be shy. I got married 1,5 years ago and my husband is very insecure among people he doesn´t know well, so if I hadn´t been showing any interest in him, we would definitely never get married.

  • Lidiane Cecilio

    Nice reading! Thanks for sharing…

  • Ally

    I am a 35 year old never married woman who has seen more than a few girls that I have mentored try to navigate this precarious space.
    A few problems that have arisen are…

    1. They make themselves available to multiple guys at a time. Pretty much anyone that is showing interest. They feel the need to “keep their options open” and sometimes even manipulate situations so that they can maintain they various guys pursuit of them.

    2. This “availability” mostly manifests itself in texting, FaceTime, and social media. They basically live in these guys pockets. They are too available (24 hours a day 7 days a week) to the guy(s) that are showing interest.

    Unless the young woman is very mature and Holy Spirit controlled she usually can’t handle making herself “available” a wholesome, spiritual manner.

    If Ruth is our example I think we could learn from her that she was making herself “available” ONLY under the authority of a wise older woman (mother figure) and would not have done so unless she had directed her specifically how, when, and where to do so. She gave a full report as to how the “availability” went and didn’t do anything else per her Mother in Laws instruction (Ruth 3:16-18).

    I believe that Scripture teaches that transparency and accountability with Parents and/or a mature believer is absolutely necessary in these cases for our intentions and behaviors to be kept in check.

    • Lorena Ramirez

      Totally agree with this. It it very important to be under the leadership of a mature christian, even better if it is your mom, it gives you wisdom and guidance.

  • Emma

    Wow this is so timely! There is a man who has made it obvious he wants to pursue me, but he hasn’t really had a chance to. I realized that it’s because I’m not making myself available to him. This has been something that has been on my mind all week, and God showed me that being available is just another way to serve our brothers in Christ by taking some of the pressure off of them. Thank you so much for your ministry; God is doing amazing things through you guys!

  • Claudia Gonzalez

    Amazing


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