conference conference


Biblical Submission: What it Is and What it Isn’t (Part 2)

By: Kristen Clark

In part 1 of this post, I shared my initial negative reaction to the word submission when I got married. It wasn’t until I understood God’s bigger purpose for marriage and His intent for husbands and wives that things made sense to me. I shared how I didn’t have to change my personality or leave my brain at the door to be a biblical wife.

If you missed part 1, take a minute to quickly read it HERE (you’ll want to!), then come back and dive into part 2 with me.

Let’s unpack the true meaning of Biblical submission. This is not an exhaustive definition because I can’t cover everything in one post, but it’s enough to lay a good foundation. Let’s dive in.

Biblical Submission Is…

1. Submission is primarily a statement of function and role.

Biblical submission does not imply the stereotypical “master and slave” picture that comes to mind for many, but rather, functional roles more reflective of a president and vice president. Just like our secular society is built on the structure of leadership roles, marriage was created in the same way. Organizations, businesses, and sports teams all function best when one person is assigned the head roll (i.e. the CEO, the chairman of the board, the head coach, the lead teacher, etc).

There is nothing demeaning or distasteful about leadership roles. God wisely designed marriage to function in the same way.

When viewed through this lens, we actually begin to see the wisdom and healthy structure of God’s design.

Whether in marriage or in a company, someone has to carry the weight and responsibility of being the head leader and final decision maker. In God’s sovereign plan, He has assigned that role to the husbands (Eph. 5:23). Biblical submission is lived out by deferring to the leadership of another.

As John Piper puts it, “Submission is the divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts. It’s the disposition to follow a husband’s authority and an inclination to yield to his leadership. It is an attitude that says, ‘I delight for you to take the initiative in our family. I am glad when you take responsibility for things and lead with love.’”

2. Submission is about being a team in marriage.

Ultimately, the biblical marriage roles (when lived out according to God’s Word) will help a husband and wife function as a unified team.

In my marriage with Zack, I practically live out Biblical submission by viewing Zack as our family’s team leader. We are both active team players, but he has been appointed as the “captain” by God’s design. As the captain, Zack is ultimately responsible to God for leading our family with vision, passion, and purpose. He is responsible for the direction and goals of our family, as well as the spiritual discipleship of those under him (Eph. 5:25-27, Joshua 24:15).

As team players, we both offer ideas, input, concerns, goals, counsel, prayers, etc. — but in the end, I willingly allow Zack to make the final decision for our family. I choose to defer to his leadership. I choose to respect the position that God has appointed him to have. Rather than competing for the “captain” position, I encourage Zack as our leader and cheer him.

3. Submission is ultimately about trusting God.

Ultimately, submission isn’t about wives trusting and deferring to their husbands, but about wives trusting and deferring to God. Regardless of whether we, as women, like God’s design or not, our job is to trust and obey Him first. Submission within marriage ultimately tests our trust in God. Proverbs 3:5 reminds us to, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.”

As wonderful as my husband is, he’s not perfect. In fact, he’s a sinner just like me. That means he has flaws as a husband and a leader. It’s a guarantee that he is going to fail me every now and then. That is why my ultimate hope, trust, and confidence cannot rest secure in Zack. I must put my hope in God. He must be my strength and my anchor. Out of a reverence for God’s Word and trust in Him, I then willingly submit to His design for marriage.

“A Christian woman does not put her hope in her husband, or in getting a husband. She puts her hope in the promises of God.” — John Piper

Only when our trust is firmly rooted in our Savior will we be able to embrace His calling for wives.

Biblical submission is challenging because of sin.

I’ll be the first to admit that deferring to someone else’s leadership is extremely hard for me. My sinful heart is full of stubborn pride and self-will. I prefer to have the last word…thank you very much. The struggle is real. Submission within marriage is hard and unappealing due to sin (Genesis 3:16).

Prior to sin entering the world, Adam and Eve enjoyed a perfect marriage in every way. It wasn’t until sin entered the scene that marriage and gender roles became a battleground. As a punishment for her sin, God literally told Eve, “Your desire shall be contrary to your husband…” (Genesis 3:16) Oops.

Sin messed everything up. Sin distorted our desires. Sin brought pain to marriage. As Shannon Popkin puts it, “When Adam and Eve refused to submit to God, they shattered God’s beautiful design. Since we have inherited Adam and Eve’s rebellion, none of us want to submit.”

Sin made submission distasteful. 

The only way to experience the beauty of God’s good and original design for marriage is to submit our sinful hearts to Christ. We need Jesus to transform our ugly, rebellious hearts into hearts of humility and righteousness (Romans 8). Earthly submission is only possible by genuinely and humbly submitting to God. Then, and only then, will we have the ability and desire to embrace His good design for marriage.

To learn more about God’s beautiful design for marriage and true love, grab a copy of our new book, Love Defined: Embracing God’s Vision for Lasting Love and Satisfying Relationships.

Let’s now take a quick look at what biblical submission is not.

We live in a day and age where the word “biblical submission” has been given a thousand wrong definitions. Let’s debunk some of these lies.

1. Biblical submission is NOT a statement of value.

The Bible clearly states that both the man and the woman were created in God’s image. “Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:26a, 27). Submission does not mean the woman is less valuable than the man, but that she simply carries a different role than him. God values men and women 100% equally.

2. Submission is NOT a brainless act.

God created both men and women to have brains. God gave both men and women varying strengths, talents, and gifts, and He desires for us to use them for His glory (1 Peter 4:10, James 1:17). When a wife enters into marriage, God is not calling her to leave behind her brains and gifts, but rather USE them for the good of her family (Proverbs 31:10-31). God never calls a husband to force submission upon his wife, but rather, its something the wife chooses to do out of honor for God.

3. Submission does NOT enable sinful activity and abuse.

Sin has caused a lot of pain in many marriages. Husband’s who abuse their wives under the banner of “biblical submission” are acting completely contrary to God’s design. This is horrific.  Biblical roles in marriage do not leave any room for abuse, violence, or selfishness. God created men to be stronger so they could protect, provide for and love and their wives.

Here’s what God expects from Christian husbands, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:25a, 28).

If a husband is abusing his wife or partaking in sinful activity, the wife is not called to passively go along with it. Her allegiance is to Christ first. A biblical woman should stand up against sinful behavior with wisdom and truth (see this post: Biblical Womanhood Promotes Passion Not Passivity)

For more on what submission is not, check out John Piper’s article called, Six Things Submission Is Not

I pray that after reading this two-part series your heart has been softened, your eyes opened, and your trust in God strengthened.

Biblical roles in marriage are truly beautiful when the husband and wife each embrace them with humility and grace. May we be a generation of Christian women who take God at His word. Women who accept His design for marriage, even when we don’t fully understand it. May we be women who exude strength through our humility and grace, rather than selfish pride.  

In the end, we must make a choice. Will we obey God, or obey our flesh? Will we trust that God is good, or live in fear? Will we submit our lives fully to Him, or only in the easy parts?

The choice is ours. The way we choose to live will tell a story. May our lives be a beautiful and accurate picture of the gospel. When we stand before our Creator on that glorious day in Heaven, may He look into our eyes and see faithful daughters who put our hope, trust, and confidence in Him alone.

Let’s chat.

  • What do you struggle the most with God’s design for submission?
  • What Biblical truths have helped you overcome fears and/or a distaste surrounding biblical submission?

Photo credit 

Husband and wife

images images images
girl defined conference
Radical Purity

19 Responses to Biblical Submission: What it Is and What it Isn’t (Part 2)

  1. Shanae B says:

    I’ve never in my years of studying the Bible come across the word contrary in that verse from Genises, but still true! For what submission is, I like #2 and #3 where you say the husband and wife are a team and that it’s ultimately trusting God! I personally feel like even Christians don’t realize the connection and rightly live that out. For the list of what submission isn’t I totally agree. Those are lies from satan to keep people from God’s way in this particular, and ultimately from God all together. Thanks for posting this, I know it’s a touchy subject for a lot of people. But we do now possibly more than ever need to be real, brave, and even in some cases tough on topics like this.

  2. mrsdaniels923 says:

    Thank you so much for writing this post. I’ve been struggling with this since well…. Right after we got back from our honeymoon. My husband’s father had a distorted view of submission, so it was difficult for me, an extremely independent woman, and also for him, having grown up in a household where Biblical submission was not practiced. We were both still learning after six months of being married (this week!), But I can’t wait to share this with him tonight! It hits the nail on the head. God bless you all!

    PS can’t wait for Love Defined to launch ❤️

  3. Rocky says:

    Can’t tell if this is a ministry or a fan club. You say “let’s chat” and then block all the comments that aren’t about how great you are. Why?

    • Shanae B says:

      Was your comment that was blocked perverted or contain inappropriate words? That’s usually why a comment doesn’t go through.

    • Malgorzata Kleczkowska says:

      Actually I’ve seen a lot of critical comments stay approved. The amount of comments they get on most articles, they probably don’t have time to read them carefully, so I wouldn’t worry. Maybe try again?

  4. Hailey says:

    Can you talk about biblical submission even outside the role of a relationship? Just in our daily lives?

  5. Zoe says:

    Hi! Thank you for sharing your experiences with submission in your marriage!
    I would find it super helpful if you could do a ‘part 3’ giving some different concrete examples of real life scenarios/decisions where you have submitted. I find the idea of it interesting but I’m struggling to understand what it looks like in everyday life. I.e does you husband make the final decision in all aspects of your lives together? Or is it just for the bigger decisions?

  6. Malgorzata Kleczkowska says:

    I’ve been strengthened, by the what you said that submission and marriage are not brainless acts!! I guess I used to think that when I get married and have a family, I won’t do anything except clean and cook and care for children, if we have them. I really want to get married and have a family but I’m not sure any guy would want to have a lazy, non-visionary wife like I would have probably turned out if I hadn’t started thinking seriously about the fact that I should be doing things and still be a thinker/planner/doer once I have a family.
    Not sure if that makes sense, but you encouraged me!! And gave me stuff to say when people are like what the heck is submission, or it’s oppressive etc. 🙂
    Love you guys!

  7. Mina says:

    Do you have practical examples where your husband led something? This all looks so abstract “you are our leader, lead us with passion, yada yada” but in practice you are probably the same as any other couple (deciding together when to renovate the house, how to increase income, how to spare money and so on).

  8. Sea Star says:

    What do you struggle with the most?
    I think, in line with some of the other comments asking for practical examples of godly submission, understanding what submission looks like in the everyday can be tricky. I think the team analogy is helpful, though. I, as someone who’s enjoyed ballroom dancing (waltz, cha cha, swing, etc.) for some years now, like another analogy: headship and submission in a marriage is like leading and following in a dance. The leader’s job is to hold the frame, maintain the rhythm, pay attention to his follower to see what she’s comfortable with, decide where to go and what to do next, and generally (if he’s a nice person :D) make sure his follower is having a good time. That doesn’t mean the follower is mindless! It takes a lot of skill, practice, and expression of her own individual style to follow with the grace and beauty that makes that dance a work of art. The leader and follower have different roles, but those roles are equally valuable. And despite differences in their jobs, they still have ultimately the same goal: to make their partner look like an awesome dancer. I like the dance analogy because (1) I love to dance 🙂 and (2) it easily shows that it IS possible to have different roles, and equal worth.

    What Biblical truths have helped you overcome fears/distaste?
    I think that examples that have shown me the a godly wife is allowed to voice her opinion include Sarah (Genesis 21:9-13) and Hannah (1 Samuel 1:21-23). I love the idea of one day serving God alongside a husband, as his equal (1 Peter 3:7), and his helper (Genesis 2:18). Also, that 1 Peter 3:7 verse is an important (and comforting!) one protecting the wife’s status in a marriage – “Husbands, . . . treat [your wives] with respect . . . so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

  9. Mary Allman says:

    Have you read the book “Why Not Women” by Loren Cunningham and David Joel Hamilton? It goes in depth with the true meaning of the verses about “submission”(and others), who they were written to, and what was going on in the world historically to have Paul address those topics. I think you have some truth here, it might help give more clarity and some things to consider.

  10. Nola says:

    Honestly, at the heart of this verse, it is really about selflessness. What both the husband and wife are doing is putting themselves aside for the other person. Also, I don’t think that the man should have the final say in big decisions. I don’t think that is a good solution. If you don’t agree about something, just keep talking about it and try to come to a compromise. And also, I don’t think the man needs to be the “protector and provider”. Husbands and wives should both protect and take care of one another. And no where in the Bible does it say that the man needs to be the financial provider. The last thing that I would like to point out is that you are putting a lot of pressure on the man. Men are sinful human beings just like everyone else. Even if you think that marriage is supposed to be like Christ and the church, we need to remember that men are in fact NOT Christ, so therefore we can not always relate to them in the way that we relate to Christ in every situation.

  11. Nola says:

    The other thing that I would like to point out is that the Bible says that love always trusts and that love is not proud. So, if husbands truly love their wives they will trust them to make good choices and they also won’t be proud and realize that they could be wrong and sometimes go with what their wives think even if they don’t agree.

  12. Cathy says:

    The problem with submission is that roles are based on gender rather than aptitude.

    For example, our wall clock died. Hubby and I went to the store and I found one I liked that I thought he’d like. He was okay with it, but was leaning towards one that was a similar style, equally our taste, but twice as big and wouldn’t have fit in the space. I put my foot down. It wasn’t an argument at all, but a discussion of practicality. My husband isn’t very practical, but he knows to defer to an expert opinion. Sure, you could argue that rather than this be egalitarian, my husband was simply relinquishing power while maintaining his leadership position (he’d be very upset by this hypothetical because he thinks submission is barbaric), but that would assume that magnanimity is guaranteed in submission culture

    It’s not.

    Submission doesn’t safeguard against male ego. Bad husbands are free to be bad husbands because there is no check on their power. It doesn’t matter how much a wife disagrees with an idea because ultimately her opinion doesn’t matter one bit. If the husband wanted the big clock, they’d get the big clock. If he told her that it was her job to make it work, it’d be her job to make it work.

    This undermines your claim that submission is just egalitarianism in disguise. No. In an egalitarian marriage, both sides know they can say no; that they’ll figure out a compromise. In a submissive marriage, wives can pretend that their husband will take their advice, but at the end of the day, all tjat matters is what he wants.

    P.S. It’d be an equally submissive, but gender-swapped example if I’d told my husband we were getting the clock I wanted in the style I wanted with no consideration for his taste. It’d also be equally toxic.

    • Shanae B says:

      You and your husband have very scwed views on submission and are part of the reason such articles like this one exist.

      • Grace says:

        +Shanae B
        That was quite rude. Did you even take the time to read her comment? She was basically just saying how gender roles should promote equity rather than equality (both words are significantly different).

        • Shanae B says:

          Yes sweetie, I did read through the comment. She was the one who rudely and thoughtlessly shot off her mouth on this subject. I just simply called her on it.

  13. Grace says:

    Why would you encourage gender roles when they came from a curse?

e-book img

Sign up to receive our blog posts via e-mail and get a copy of our free e-book:
Reaching Beyond Myself
30 Day Devotional

Privacy guarantee: We will never share your e-mail address with anyone else