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Why Boyfriends Don’t Get Husband Privileges

By: Kristen Clark

He said he loved her. He asked her to move in with him. She liked him a lot. She decided to give it a try. One sunny afternoon, she loaded up her apartment and moved all of her stuff into her boyfriend’s place.

They ate breakfast together. They ate dinner together. She did his laundry. She slept in his bedroom. She shared his bathroom.

From the outside, they looked like a cute married couple.

However, despite how “married” they looked, they were missing one key ingredient.

Vows.

Neither was committed long term. Neither was in a covenant with the other. Neither was 100% loyal to the other. Neither felt obliged to invest deeply in the relationship. Neither felt exclusively bound to the other sexually.

She was his girlfriend. He was her boyfriend. They were “playing” marriage. That was it.

Living together, cohabitating, shacking up…whatever you want to call it, is a popular trend in America today (my thoughts on this). Girls are giving all of themselves to guys who aren’t even willing to pop the question.

Sadly, after playing marriage for a while, many of these girls complain about how immature guys are and how unwilling they are to commit.

Well…if you got every privilege of a married person but didn’t have to commit, would you??

Listen girls – we can’t have our cake and eat it too.

God created marriage to be a sacred covenant where secrets are shared, deep bonds are formed, emotional ties are created, body’s unite, and commitment is mutually agreed upon.

When you bypass God’s plan for marriage, and instead give your boyfriend those sacred privileges, you’re unknowingly forfeiting God’s best for you both.

And before you think you’re off the hook, this topic doesn’t only apply to unmarried couples living together.

It applies to young women, just like you, who do everything from flirting with guys, to making out with your boyfriend, to pouring your heart and soul out to your crush.

Instead of saving these precious gifts for your husband, you get impatient and use your guy friends, crushes, or boyfriend as a short term “husband filler” until you get married.

Husband privileges:

  • Your body is for your husband’s pleasure alone.
  • Your kisses and sensual touches should be saved for your husband alone (more on that here).
  • Sensual selfies should only be taken for your husband’s viewing.
  • Seductive clothing should only be worn for your husband’s eyes to see.
  • Your flirty words and actions should be saved to spice up your future marriage.
  • Your deepest emotional thoughts and struggles aren’t for just any guy, but are your husband.

Whenever you give these special privileges to just any guy, you give little pieces of yourself away (emotionally and physically) to someone you have no business giving them to. They aren’t his to take. And sadly, many of the guys you do this with have no intention of ever putting a ring on your finger.

A boyfriend may say he loves you, but until he asks you to spend the rest of your life with him (and then makes vows together at the altar), you are not his. He is not yours.

I don’t care how committed and unwavering your boyfriend’s promises of love are to you, until you are his wife, he doesn’t get husband privileges.

If you want God’s best for your future marriage, don’t play marriage with your boyfriend. Despite how “free” and progressive our culture is becoming, we as Christian girls, have to live according to God’s created order.

And guess what? This is for our own good and protection.

God created marriage to be that special place where all of your emotions, feelings, thoughts, physical longings, and sexual desires can be freely unleashed and poured out within a safe, committed environment. It’s pure. It’s holy. It’s God honoring.

You’re committed. He’s committed. He loved you enough to ask you to spend the rest of His life with him. You loved him enough to say yes.

Don’t make the same mistake that millions of girls are making today.

Don’t give your boyfriend things that are intended for your future husband alone. Be patient. Be pure. Trust God. Do things His way.

Don’t bypass God’s best. Your future husband is worth the wait. He deserves all of you. And in the end, your future husband is the only man who will stand at the altar with you and commit to love you for the rest of your life.

There’s a lot more I wanted to address on this topic, but just don’t have the room.

For some deeper reading, I highly recommend the following GirlDefined posts:

Why Living Together Before Marriage is a Bad Idea

5 Signs You’re Not Ready for Marriage Yet

How Setting Up Boundaries Saved My Virginity

Lost Virginity: Practical Help to Reclaim Your Future

Okay, let’s chat about this post! I really want to hear from you.

  • In what ways do you see single girls giving guys “husband privileges” today?
  • What problems can come from becoming too emotionally and physically close to a guy who isn’t your husband?
  • What are some practical things you do to guard your heart as a single girl?

Photo credit: Here 

Guy and girl

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  • :)

    Hey! 🙂 🙂
    Thanks so much for this post! 🙂
    I did have one question though – where do you draw the line between a boyfriend and girlfriend having deep, intimate conversations and simply getting to know each other deeply? Does that question make sense?

    • Kay

      I was wondering the same thing!

    • Painting

      I was wonder that also.

    • Grace O

      Yeah, that makes sense. Good question. 🙂 What is the line??

    • Great question! And to be honest…it’s a tough one. It all depends on the purpose of the relationship. If you’re in a casual dating relationship where marriage isn’t really the end goal, that would not be a good place to pour out your intimate thoughts and feelings. However, if you’re in a godly, pure, intentional relationship with a mature guy who is getting to know for the purpose of possibly marrying you, then it’s different. In those type of intentional relationships, there does come a time when you will need to have deep conversations with one another about what you believe, your convictions, and your struggles. However, conversations about anything sexual should not be addressed until late engagement, or even after the wedding. Hope that helps! You can read more about how to have an intentional relationship here: http://www.girldefined.com/dating-courtship-is-one-better

  • Painting

    Thank you so much for this post! 🙂 but I hav a question-u say save ur kisses for ur husband, does that mean u can’t kiss any guy until u know ur going to marry them?

    • Becca

      When she says to save your kisses for your future husband, it’s like a safeguard, as well as something special you can give to only your husband once you marry. Girls are very emotional, so little things that sometimes don’t seem to matter can little by little cause you to give your heart away. Like when there’s a cute guy, who you’re really attracted to; if he talks, flirts, and pays a lot of attention to you, usually as a girl you will get a crush and then give pieces of your heart to him as you become attached to him, even if he’s not doing it seriously. When you kiss someone, especially if you’re really attracted to them, there will be a very big temptation to go even ‘further’. When you’re married, it’ll be that much more special to be able to give your husband your first kiss.
      When I was little, I loved reading the children’s book, The Princess and the Kiss. It’s the story of a girl who saved her kiss. There will always be mistakes, but as a general rule, I’ve always just decided to wait till my wedding day to kiss.
      Hope that helps answer your question….??

    • Hey Painting, although it’s not a popular opinion, we do think it’s good (and Biblical) to save kissing for your husband. You can read more about that here: http://www.girldefined.com/christian-girls-kiss-marriage

    • Hailey McKenzie Kenyon

      The bible doesn’t say you can only kiss your husband, kissing and flirting are not husband privileges nor are they in the bible; but you should be responsible don’t do anything that will put you in a position where it will be tempting for you to want to preform or do anything that should only be for your husband. For some people kissing of any kind makes it tempting to go further, for most people though pecks and lip locks do not stir up passionate or sexual feelings. Know yourself and you limits. But it’s also by definition some people define kissing to be the same as making out, when some people say flirting they only think of promiscuous flirting and that is defiantly a husband privilege.

  • Ash

    Conviction city! I definitely am one to wear my heart on my sleeves to all my guy friends .. This was one spiritual wedgie! Thank you for your blog – my life is always so enriched by it! Are there any practical tips you could give?? What practical ways can I not wear my heart on my sleeve and honour my friends by not using them as “husband fillers”?

    • Sis

      spiritual wedgie…love that! 🙂 Try giving God those husband privileges instead. Pray to Him about anything you are tempted to open up to to your guy friends about. Awareness is the first step to change. (coming from a person who did everything backwards: lived together, built house together, adopted daughter from husband’s non-committed family member, THEN got married!) Suffered deeply for it due to unequally yoked but God uses His timing and His miracles to redeem even the most hopeless situation (been married now 26 years)……But if I had it to do over again…..

  • Cassie Kellogg

    “Your body is for your husband’s pleasure alone.” “Your future husband is worth the wait. He deserves all of you.” So husbands have ownership over their wives? The covenant of marriage entitles a husband to his wife’s body? Just want you to understand that this exact mindset is why marital rape wasn’t outlawed in all 50 states until 1993. Just think about that.

    • Lacee Gomel

      But the same goes for the husband’s body, his body belongs to his wife. Read the Bible, it goes both ways. This article is written to girls but an article written to boys would say the same thing in reverse.

      • Cassie Kellogg

        Lacee, I do understand that is what the Bible teaches. I am aware of verses like 1 Corinthians 7:4, “The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.” Regardless, the dangerous implication is still relevant. I don’t feel like it warrants an explanation as to why we should not embrace the mentality that our bodies are “owned” by anyone, including our spouse.

        • karina

          then you are not following the truth if you know its in the bible and choose to ignore it then that is not following truth

          • Cassie Kellogg

            No, instead I’m refuting the idea that it is “The Truth.”

  • Gabrielle

    AMEN, AMEN!!! I thought about this quotes which says, “A Gentlemen makes commitments, The Losers make promises.”

  • Gabrielle

    Waiting is SO WORTH IT FOR SURE!!!

  • texassa

    This is only true for people who adhere to these beliefs. I have kissed boyfriends, flirted with boyfriends, etc. It wasn’t a husband privilege I was giving up to them. It was something I wanted to do. There’s nothing wrong with a person making choices in their own life and doing what they want. You are christian because you were born in the United States to the set of parents you have. Had you been born in another part of the world, to a family of a different faith, you would have different religious views. Living a life of honesty, kindness, fairness, and hard work is to be admired no matter what faith – if any – you adhere to. Thinking that the book you read is somehow more legitimate or valid than someone else’s book is really not very smart.

  • Sandra

    And a woman has to be careful about the reasons she is marrying. Some find themselves in unhappy marriages because they want those marriage benefits and babies. They didn’t give themselves time to really get to know the guy. A Christian woman also needs to remember that just because they are both Christian does not mean they are mature enough in their relationship with Christ and are ready to face the troubles that can come in marriages together. Be patient in all things and let God lead.

  • Hailey McKenzie Kenyon

    As good as this advice is please realize everything in Christianity is supposed to be personal do not just go and believe what you read on an Internet blog read the bible for yourself. Know yourself too for this author kissing would lead to temptations of wanting to give her boyfriend husband privledges. For some people pecks (like what you give your family) and lil locks aren’t sexual. Flirting can be innocent there isn’t just sexual flirting. Know yourself and your limits its all about avoiding sin the sins are clear but the easiest ways to avoid making sin is to avoid the temptation to commit them. Therefore know yourself know what will lead you to being tempted to commit sin don’t do that. The “line” as I’ve seen multiple comments ask about is different per person. If the type of kissing you’re doing (and I say type because some kisses are defiantly husband privledges) doesn’t tempt you then your fine. Know what makes you tempted know what doesn’t. And pray about it no one can pray for you to get revelation pray for yourself to know for yourself where your boundaries lie.

    • Emmie

      Thanks

    • Maleeq

      While I was reading it I thought the same thing, Hailey. Not everything about our faith is set to rules – only God’s rules matter. Like you said, Christianity is suppose to be personal. I know what her intention for this post was, and I get it, 100% (trust me, I do – I’m about to have a daughter), but if every female (or male) followed these short guidelines, in today’s society, there wouldn’t be much of any marriages for at least another 10 years. True, would show just how much of the youth are playing games and not taking commitment seriously and where the consciousness of our society is at in terms of marriage, but there’s a limit. Yes, there are no “loop-holes” in this, I know, however these “rules” are not the gospel, they are merely her perceptions based on her faith (this is not to discredit what she said, just making a point, like she wanted to with this post). Now, I believe in everything she’s saying and I agree, but I really hope she doesn’t expect those to be thoroughly followed. But, hey, I’m just another guy who “doesn’t understand” I guess – haha.

  • Simply Searching

    How can I draw the line between getting naturally close to my boyfriend emotionally–as he grows to be my best friend…but not get so close that I fail to save my “deepest thoughts and emotional struggles” for my future husband? What do you mean by this, please?
    Thanks!

  • Chloe

    I choose to save my first kiss for the wedding day not only because I value him and our relationship but also because I want my husband to know that he can trust me. Trust is HUGE in a relationship.

  • Carrie

    I believe there’s a book out there that speaks to this exact topic. Would you know about this book? Thank you


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