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Should Christian Girls Kiss Before Marriage?

By: Bethany Beal

I’m just going to be honest from the get-go.

I’m twenty-five years old, I’ve been in two serious relationships, and I’ve never kissed a guy. It’s not because I think kissing is gross, or that I’ve never wanted to kiss. The fact is, I’m saving my very first kiss for my future husband on the day of our wedding.

Kissing is totally the norm.

In a day and age where kissing is the norm for elementary schoolers and losing your virginity in, or by high school is expected, it seems absurd and ridiculous that anyone would possibly save their first kiss for marriage.

I’m totally aware of the fact that many of you reading this might have already given your first kiss away and possibly your virginity. If so, check the note at the bottom of this post before you continue reading.

I want to take you through five points that will help you better understand why I’m saving my first kiss for marriage, and why I think you should too. Even if you’ve kissed in the past, I want to challenge you to stop kissing and start waiting from this point forward.

1. Your Kiss is a gift.

As the years have gone by I’ve to come to view my kiss as a gift. I view it as something very special, something I can treasure, something that I can save and share with my future husband alone.

I love the story told by Jennie Bishop titled The Princess and the Kiss. The royal parents have a baby girl and give her the gift of her very first kiss. They explain to the princess that it is her gift to keep or give away as she chooses.They then go on to warn her that many man will try to take her gift, but she should be wise and save her it for the man she would marry.

Instead of viewing your kiss as something meaningless and cheap, I want to challenge you to view it as a very expensive treasure box. It’s your job to keep your treasure safe until the person with the right key comes to unlock it.

Like the princess above, you will probably have some guys stop by with hopes to get a piece of your treasure. If they don’t have the key (the wedding band) don’t let them open the box.

Don’t let the way Hollywood devalues the kiss deceive you into thinking it’s not that special. It really is a gift from God that you should one day enjoy to the fullest with your husband. Once you are married I say “the more kissing the better!”

2. Viewing guys as brothers in Christ.

Have you ever thought about the fact that Christians in the Bible are considered “spiritual family.” Brothers and sisters in Christ. Son’s and daughters of the King. Every Christian guy that you interact has the same heavenly Father as you. He truly is your brother in Christ.

In the Bible we see three different categories of people. They are either a “neighbor” (Mark 12:31), a “brother or sister” (Hebrews 13:1), or a “husband or wife” (Ephesians 5:31).

“With the exception of husbands and wives, there is no sexual dimension to “familial” relationships.”Scott Croft

Isn’t that crazy? The only time we see any (approved) sexual dimension in a relationship in the Bible, is with the husband and the wife. Never before that (not even in betrothal) and in no other relationships. Not with the neighbor or the brother. Only the husband and wife.

It’s our job as Christian girls to live out a Biblical mindset. Even if you are a dating a guy, according to Scripture he is your brother in Christ until the wedding day. It’s not until the wedding day that he switches to the husband. Only then do we see the sexual dimension come in to play. No sooner and in no other type of relationship.

3. Relationships with a purpose

We need to ditch the “dating around” mindset that is so expected in our day. It makes me sad to think of three little eight year old girls that I mentor who regularly discuss “who’s with who,” “who broke up with who” etc.

Dating around for fun and personal fulfillment is the absolute norm these days, even amongst eight year olds.

We as Christian girls need to look to the Bible as our example and guidebook. The entire point of “getting to know” a guy or girl shouldn’t be for the goal of fun and pleasure, it should be for the purpose of discovering whether you two should marry.

Keep in mind being purposeful in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to ditch all the fun. Have good & pure fun as you work towards the goal.

When you start to view relationships with purpose and intention, it makes purity so much more attainable. Instead of “dating around” and having a boyfriend for years on end (with marriage nowhere in sight), you only pursue a relationship with prayer and an end goal in mind.

4. What does the Bible say?

The most important question you can ask yourself about romantic relationships is this, “What does the Bible say?” I realize the Bible doesn’t say “thou shalt not kiss,” but it does give us some incredible principles and some pretty clear direction on where we should be headed.

Think through these verses with me.

For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body. (1 Cor. 6:20)

Because of what Jesus did for you, He gives you incredible value. You are not a cheap toy that should be casually tossed around. You are loved and were purchased by the blood of Christ. Honor God with your body.

Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. (1 Timothy 5:1b-2)

The very last line “with absolute purity” is key. We as Christian girls need to make sure that our relationships reflect that standard. God desires absolute purity as the goal in your guy relationships.

So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. (2 Tim. 2:22)

We are to run away from youthful passions and run towards righteousness. This verse seems to fly in the face of guys and girls flirting, dating around, etc.

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. (Eph. 5:3)

Wow. Our relationships should have “not even a hint of sexual immorality.” Think about that phrase with me. Not even a hint! People often complain about Christians being so “oppressive” and “overly expectant” of girls these days. They say “girls already have so much to deal with, you are only making it worse.” Well excuse me, I didn’t write that verse, I’m just relaying God’s message. He is the one saying there should be “not even a hint.”

5. The Pure Bride.

Did you realize that as a Christian your future marriage represents the Gospel? Just check out Ephesians 5. The chapter is filled with illustrations that compare an earthly bride and groom to Christ and the Church. A huge goal in each of those relationships is absolute purity, holiness and blamelessness.

Instead of trying to scrape by until your wedding day, shoot to arrive as completely pure and undefiled as possible. Don’t ask, “How much can I get away with?” Instead ask, “How pure and undefiled can I be?”

Final Thoughts.

At this point you might be thinking, “Seriously Bethany, it’s just a kiss.” I personally think it’s time we ditched the it’s-just-a-kiss mindset, and put the kiss back in it’s proper place.

We need to recognize the kiss as an incredible gift that God has given each one of us to fully embrace and enjoy in the right context. Instead of lowering its value and blowing it off as just-a-kiss let’s view it as a precious, sacred gift.

Soul searching questions.

When you think about kissing a guy before marriage (or think about past times when you have kissed a guy), ask yourself these questions:

  • Will that interaction reflect absolute purity?
  • Will there be not even a hint of sexual immorality?
  • Will God be glorified by what He sees?
  • Will it awaken love before its appropriate time?
  • Will it portray God’s holiness?

Having said all of that, let me leave you with one mind blowing and extremely counter cultural quote by Scott Croft. This is from his seven part series on Biblical dating which I highly encourage you to take the time to read.

“I believe the Bible teaches that all sexual activity outside of marriage is sin, and all romantically oriented physical activity is sexual activity. In my view, this includes premarital kissing.” –Scott Croft

Note: I realize that many of you reading this blog post have probably kissed guys and have possibly already lost your virginity. In no way am I here to condemn you or guilt you for what you have done. I highly recommend reading Lost Virginity: Practical Help to Reclaim Your Future.  Also, see 1 John 1:9.

There are so many great resources on handling past mistakes. If that is you, I want to encourage you to gain a new perspective on your sexual purity. I hope you view this as an opportunity to start saving your “gifts” from this point forward.

 Photo credit: | Sean Molin

Should Christian Girls Kiss Before Marriage?


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