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Is It Okay to Date a Guy Who Isn’t a Virgin?

By: Bethany Baird

I’ll never forget the day I found out the guy I was in a relationship with was not a virgin. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I was so in love with him and never fathomed this would be a part of our future together.

After I heard the news, I needed time to process it.

I needed time to pray. I needed to search my heart and figure out if this was something I was willing to accept. After a lot of prayer and discussion, I came to the conclusion that I was willing and able to move forward in the relationship.

Here are a few questions I considered before I made that decision:

1. Can I forgive and hold no bitterness toward him?

I realized that Christ had forgiven me of so much. I was (and still am) a sinner in need of God’s grace and forgiveness on a daily basis. Through this relationship, I was reminded of the fact that we are all sinners. I’m not perfect, and no guy I consider for marriage will be perfect either. Past sin should be taken into serious consideration, but it shouldn’t be an automatic deal breaker.

This relationship also gave me the opportunity to demonstrate Christ’s love to this young man. I was confident that the situation had been dealt with well on his end, and I felt very free to grant him my trust and forgiveness.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you (Eph. 4:32).

2. Am I willing to marry someone who doesn’t have the same upbringing and background as myself?

Growing up, I imagined I would marry someone who had a similar past to my own. As an adult, I now realize that may not happen. I may marry a guy who grew up very differently than me but still loves Jesus and would make a great husband. I decided I’m okay with that. I don’t have to marry someone with a story just like mine.

3. Will this be a hindrance or problem for us in our relationship?

While sin certainly has an impact, we decided this sin would not be an insurmountable obstacle if we decided to marry. I’m so thankful God’s grace is able to cover our sins and often shield us from sin’s painful repercussions.

He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities (Ps. 103:10).

A Good Lesson

As you probably know (considering I’m still single), that relationship ended, but through it, I learned so much about God’s forgiveness to me and how I can extend that toward others. I’m grateful I was given the opportunity to think and work through this whole idea of marrying a non-virgin.

If you’re considering a relationship with someone who is not a virgin (or you yourself are not one), I encourage you to continue studying, praying, and working through this topic.

If you can gain a biblical perspective on this issue, I think you will have much more clarity when you enter a relationship in the future.

I love the basic and simple advice this article has to offer:

Before dating or marrying someone who is not a virgin, a lot of discussion, thought, prayer, and reflection should happen. James 1:5 says that if you ask for wisdom, God will give it to you. Speaking with a godly friend or pastor and being involved in a Bible-teaching church will help a lot. Some churches have great pre-engagement classes that could be helpful. In some cases, before considering marriage, it might be a good idea for the person who was sexually active to get checked medically for STDs.

Most importantly, talking and praying freely and openly about these things with the person you love may reveal issues from both your pasts and give you an opportunity to deepen your relationship.

If you are asking the question, “Should I date/court a guy who isn’t a virgin?” I encourage you to talk to God about it. Pray through what you’ve just read in this post. Talk to your parents or an older, wiser woman. Get advice, and move forward prayerfully.

And if you’re interested in digging deeper into the topic of relationships, Kristen and I have an entire chapter on love and romance in our brand new book, Girl Defined: God’s Radical Design for Beauty, Femininity and Identity.

Here are a few of the questions I asked before I moved forward in my own relationship:

Were you a Christian when this happened?

Are you still in contact with the girl?

How did you go about seeking forgiveness?

What are your current thoughts on sex before marriage?

What are your plans to help us remain pure?

What kind of accountability do you have in place?

I would encourage you to come up with your own questions and make sure you have all of the facts in place before making a decision rather than having a knee-jerk reaction. Each situation is different, and each situation should be approached with prayer and consideration.

I’d love to hear from you on this topic.
Would you date/court a guy who isn’t a virgin? Why or why not?

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  • Veronica

    Wow, I loved reading this! I guess I never thought of how I would react to dating a guy and finding out he isn’t a virgin like me. The guy I pretty much really, really like is a virgin, and he’s had basically the same Christian upbringing as myself, so this isn’t a worry or struggle for me right now. I loved reading it though and will want to share with friends!

  • Sarah Fuller

    I would say it is okay if he is a strong believer in Christ because whatever he did in the past is forgiven. You can’t really judge that part of his life.

  • Oh, this is good but hard topic. Here’s the thing. I know that (especially in today’s culture) that it is hard to stay pure. Add that on top of of not being a Christian, and skimpy-clad girls running around, it is really hard for guys to stay pure! My view is that if the guy wasn’t a Christian when he slept with someone, I’d be more inclined to stay in the relationship. But if he was already a Christian, I’d be less so. When we identify as children of God, we’ve got to hold ourselves to higher level, even in the “heat of the moment”.

    • vwlover

      Amen!

  • Flowers

    I would still date a guy who wasn’t a virgin, but I would give extra time to the relationship in order to make sure that he had truly moved on from his past.

  • JohnnJana Penland

    I had this same scenario handed to me by God at 27. It was the man that I knew God was leading me to marry and I had “saved myself” but he had not. Your blog offers impeccable wisdom in navigating this subject and I just wanted to offer my wholehearted agreement! I did pray after I found out. All night. God gave me the passage in Acts where He let down the sheet and told Peter not to “call anything unclean that He had called clean.” I knew God was speaking to me about John. He had repented and showed me that by not even kissing me until after we were married! He loves Jesus with all his heart and we are going on 13 years of marriage. I cannot say I never struggled with it, but we try to communicate very openly about it and in our early years when bad feelings would come up, I would choose to stand on that Word that God gave me. It really boils down to hearing from God about whether or not to move forward with any relationship, and your post beautifully walks us through the mindset of obedience and grace we must meet every situation in our lives with~but especially this one which is of utmost importance! Well done!

  • Capy

    Ummm… duh? What does one’s virginity have to do with their ability to be married? That’s such a closed way of thinking. It’s like saying one’s virginity is the only way of telling if someone is a good person or not.

  • Appreciated the article and agreed with your points. Can I just add that when we discuss this sort of thing we seem to always miss one point (although I’m by no means saying that every article should be a billion pages long and cover everything! :)); it seems like we always discuss lost virginity (or similar) as a result of sin in that person’s life, but sexual abuse is also distressingly common–there are plenty of guys around who’ve had things taken from them, against their will. Certainly there would be things to consider in that situation, but the element of sin and determining whether he had really left that lifestyle behind would be removed.


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