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Does Being Single Make Me Less Sexual?

By: Bethany Beal

I’m twenty-nine years old and I’ve never had sex. It’s not because I don’t want to, it’s just because I’ve chosen to wait until I’m married to have sex.

Throughout my many years of being single and not having sex, I’ve had a lot of questions.  

I’ve wondered about many aspects of my purity and my sexuality.

I’m sure you can relate on so many levels. I don’t care if you’ve had sex, never had sex, or feel totally awkward talking about, we all have questions. We all wonder about our sexuality.  

Thinking about my own life, I wondered questions like:

  • Do I become more of a sexual human being once I get married and have sex?
  • Am I less of a sexual being because I’ve never had sex?
  • Does my relationship status have anything to do with my sexuality?
  • Will having sex with my husband solve my deepest heart longings?
  • Can sex help cure my struggles with lust?

Those are just a few of the many questions I’ve asked. I may not have asked them out loud, but I’ve thought about them. For many years I would have been too embarrassed to express my questions or concerns out loud.

But not anymore.

Considering we all think these things and all wonder about them, I decided it’s time to get over the awkwardness and just start talking. I mean, who are we kidding?

We ALL have questions.

Just because we don’t express our questions out loud, doesn’t mean we don’t have huge questions. I’ve talked to enough young women to know that this is the reality. We really do wonder about God’s design for sex and for our sexuality. And that’s a good thing. We should have questions and we should know where to get answers.

Hopefully, this blog post will help answer a few of your most pressing questions.  

I love what Kristen said in our new book, Love Defined. She wrote an entire chapter digging deep into God’s design for love, marriage and sex.

She did a beautiful job unpacking God’s good and beautiful design for sex.

I really encourage you to grab a copy of Love Defined and read that chapter.   

God created sex; it is His brilliant invention. Just like He created love and marriage, He is also the Author of sexual intimacy. It’s not dirty. It’s not inappropriate. It’s not sinful. It’s a spectacular design created by God to be enjoyed by husbands and wives within marriage. (Love Defined pg. 74)

That is the first place to start. We must understand that sex, intimacy, sexuality, etc. is all created by God. It’s His good design. It’s not bad. It’s not dirty. It’s not weird. And it’s not Hollywood’s idea. It’s God’s! That must be our starting place when we think about this topic.

We must always start with “in the beginning…God!”

With that as our starting spot. Here are a few other things I’ve learned that have been super helpful to me.

5 Helpful truth’s about sex for the single girl:

1. I don’t become sexual, I am sexual.

This is a common misconception that many of us, as single women, have. We think that our sexuality comes into existence once we have sex or once we get married. That simply isn’t true. We are all sexual beings from the moment that we are born. God designed us to be sexual. It’s His perfect and amazing plan. Instead of being awkward or weirded out by our sexuality, we need to acknowledge that our perfect Creator designed us to be sexual and that it’s a very good thing.

2. Sex doesn’t equal happiness

If sex equals happiness, we have a huge problem. There are millions of married couples and dozens of Hollywood celebrities that look anything but happy. Sex is very much a part of their lives, so why aren’t they happy? That is because sex was never designed to be our happiness maker. Sex is is a good and wonderful gift from God, but it isn’t the reason we have joy and happiness as Christians. Our joy comes from knowing Christ and having a relationship with Him. If we have an amazing, deep, and genuine relationship with God, sex within marriage will enrich our lives and be beautiful and satisfying. If our relationship with God is weak, sex will be shallow and weak. Our relationship with God is what helps make sex truly satisfying. 

3. My sexuality is a good thing

God designed us as sexual beings.  From the moment we come into existence, until the moment we die, we are sexual. We don’t become sexual and we don’t lose are sexuality. It’s a core aspect of who we are. In God’s good and perfect plan, He created Adam and Eve to be sexual. Think about it. In the perfect Garden, before sin entered the world, God created Adam and Eve to be sexual and to enjoy sex. Once sin entered the world, sexuality became confusing and hard to navigate. Instead of viewing it as a weird or a bad thing, let’s remember that the perfect God of the universe created it. Let’s turn to His Word to try and understand our sexuality. If you want to dig deeper into God’s design for love, marriage and sex, grab a copy of Love Defined and dig into that chapter. It will be extremely helpful in unpacking Scripture.

4. Jesus wants to deeply know me

Here’s the really cool part about our sexuality. God designed us to know Him and to be known by Him. We are made for relationship with Him. He gave up His very life so that we could know Him. Earthly relationships and marriage, are only a glimmer of the depth of which God desires to know us. When you have sex with your future husband, it’s simply a reflection of how much Christ deeply knows you and deeply loves you. The Bible often uses the Hebrew word Yada to describe sexual intimacy and our relationship with Him. Yada means, to deeply know. We are designed to deeply know Christ, and we are designed to deeply know our spouse. Sexual intimacy isn’t about an act, it’s about a deep relationship. The more you can build and know Jesus, the better understanding you will have of true intimacy.

5. My worth comes from Christ, not my purity

I said this at the start of the blog, I’ve never had sex. Does that make more valuable? No way! Am I more pure, more righteous, better than because I’ve never had sex? Not in the least. If you’ve had sex before marriage, are you less pure or less than? No! That’s is because our worth has nothing to do with our good or bad actions. Our worth comes directing from Christ. I dig deep into this topic in my recent blog, Lost Virginity Does Not Define Your Worth. I really encourage you to read it!

My hope in writing this blog post is to start a conversation that needs to be started. We need to take sexuality out of bad or awkward light, and bring it into the light. God isn’t awkward or weirded out by this topic and so we should not’ be either.

We should actually be the biggest promoters and celebrators of God’s design for sexuality since He is the designer.

I would encourage you to continue learning from here.

Like I said, check out Love Defined and dig into God’s amazing design for love, sex and, marriage. In fact, if you order Love Defined before May 1st, you will get an amazing free bundle of goodies to go with the book! You can get all of the details here.

Let’s chat about it.

What is your biggest takeaway from this blog post?

What additional questions do you have about sex and sexuality?

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