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Does Being Single Make Me Less Sexual?

By: Bethany Baird

I’m twenty-nine years old and I’ve never had sex. It’s not because I don’t want to, it’s just because I’ve chosen to wait until I’m married to have sex.

Throughout my many years of being single and not having sex, I’ve had a lot of questions.  

I’ve wondered about many aspects of my purity and my sexuality.

I’m sure you can relate on so many levels. I don’t care if you’ve had sex, never had sex, or feel totally awkward talking about, we all have questions. We all wonder about our sexuality.  

Thinking about my own life, I wondered questions like:

  • Do I become more of a sexual human being once I get married and have sex?
  • Am I less of a sexual being because I’ve never had sex?
  • Does my relationship status have anything to do with my sexuality?
  • Will having sex with my husband solve my deepest heart longings?
  • Can sex help cure my struggles with lust?

Those are just a few of the many questions I’ve asked. I may not have asked them out loud, but I’ve thought about them. For many years I would have been too embarrassed to express my questions or concerns out loud.

But not anymore.

Considering we all think these things and all wonder about them, I decided it’s time to get over the awkwardness and just start talking. I mean, who are we kidding?

We ALL have questions.

Just because we don’t express our questions out loud, doesn’t mean we don’t have huge questions. I’ve talked to enough young women to know that this is the reality. We really do wonder about God’s design for sex and for our sexuality. And that’s a good thing. We should have questions and we should know where to get answers.

Hopefully, this blog post will help answer a few of your most pressing questions.  

I love what Kristen said in our new book, Love Defined. She wrote an entire chapter digging deep into God’s design for love, marriage and sex.

She did a beautiful job unpacking God’s good and beautiful design for sex.

I really encourage you to grab a copy of Love Defined and read that chapter.   

God created sex; it is His brilliant invention. Just like He created love and marriage, He is also the Author of sexual intimacy. It’s not dirty. It’s not inappropriate. It’s not sinful. It’s a spectacular design created by God to be enjoyed by husbands and wives within marriage. (Love Defined pg. 74)

That is the first place to start. We must understand that sex, intimacy, sexuality, etc. is all created by God. It’s His good design. It’s not bad. It’s not dirty. It’s not weird. And it’s not Hollywood’s idea. It’s God’s! That must be our starting place when we think about this topic.

We must always start with “in the beginning…God!”

With that as our starting spot. Here are a few other things I’ve learned that have been super helpful to me.

5 Helpful truth’s about sex for the single girl:

1. I don’t become sexual, I am sexual.

This is a common misconception that many of us, as single women, have. We think that our sexuality comes into existence once we have sex or once we get married. That simply isn’t true. We are all sexual beings from the moment that we are born. God designed us to be sexual. It’s His perfect and amazing plan. Instead of being awkward or weirded out by our sexuality, we need to acknowledge that our perfect Creator designed us to be sexual and that it’s a very good thing.

2. Sex doesn’t equal happiness

If sex equals happiness, we have a huge problem. There are millions of married couples and dozens of Hollywood celebrities that look anything but happy. Sex is very much a part of their lives, so why aren’t they happy? That is because sex was never designed to be our happiness maker. Sex is is a good and wonderful gift from God, but it isn’t the reason we have joy and happiness as Christians. Our joy comes from knowing Christ and having a relationship with Him. If we have an amazing, deep, and genuine relationship with God, sex within marriage will enrich our lives and be beautiful and satisfying. If our relationship with God is weak, sex will be shallow and weak. Our relationship with God is what helps make sex truly satisfying. 

3. My sexuality is a good thing

God designed us as sexual beings.  From the moment we come into existence, until the moment we die, we are sexual. We don’t become sexual and we don’t lose are sexuality. It’s a core aspect of who we are. In God’s good and perfect plan, He created Adam and Eve to be sexual. Think about it. In the perfect Garden, before sin entered the world, God created Adam and Eve to be sexual and to enjoy sex. Once sin entered the world, sexuality became confusing and hard to navigate. Instead of viewing it as a weird or a bad thing, let’s remember that the perfect God of the universe created it. Let’s turn to His Word to try and understand our sexuality. If you want to dig deeper into God’s design for love, marriage and sex, grab a copy of Love Defined and dig into that chapter. It will be extremely helpful in unpacking Scripture.

4. Jesus wants to deeply know me

Here’s the really cool part about our sexuality. God designed us to know Him and to be known by Him. We are made for relationship with Him. He gave up His very life so that we could know Him. Earthly relationships and marriage, are only a glimmer of the depth of which God desires to know us. When you have sex with your future husband, it’s simply a reflection of how much Christ deeply knows you and deeply loves you. The Bible often uses the Hebrew word Yada to describe sexual intimacy and our relationship with Him. Yada means, to deeply know. We are designed to deeply know Christ, and we are designed to deeply know our spouse. Sexual intimacy isn’t about an act, it’s about a deep relationship. The more you can build and know Jesus, the better understanding you will have of true intimacy.

5. My worth comes from Christ, not my purity

I said this at the start of the blog, I’ve never had sex. Does that make more valuable? No way! Am I more pure, more righteous, better than because I’ve never had sex? Not in the least. If you’ve had sex before marriage, are you less pure or less than? No! That’s is because our worth has nothing to do with our good or bad actions. Our worth comes directing from Christ. I dig deep into this topic in my recent blog, Lost Virginity Does Not Define Your Worth. I really encourage you to read it!

My hope in writing this blog post is to start a conversation that needs to be started. We need to take sexuality out of bad or awkward light, and bring it into the light. God isn’t awkward or weirded out by this topic and so we should not’ be either.

We should actually be the biggest promoters and celebrators of God’s design for sexuality since He is the designer.

I would encourage you to continue learning from here.

Like I said, check out Love Defined and dig into God’s amazing design for love, sex and, marriage. In fact, if you order Love Defined before May 1st, you will get an amazing free bundle of goodies to go with the book! You can get all of the details here.

Let’s chat about it.

What is your biggest takeaway from this blog post?

What additional questions do you have about sex and sexuality?

PHOTO CREDIT

Girl Standing

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  • Katherine

    I will always feel uncomfortable talking about this, even reading it.

    • Maddy K

      Yeah, me too. I think it’s hard to grow up with this subject being taboo, then not being ashamed.
      This topic was always a little hush-hush at my house, but I think for me, just hearing that it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and within the right context, it beautiful, is awesome. Keep teaching into God’s truth, and I hope this helps!
      -your sister in Christ

  • Shanae B

    Super thank you for writing this post! Totally agree that it needs to be taken out of the bad or awkward zone. I’m waiting till marriage and many people consider me a prude or think I think myself more spiritual because of my choice. Then they feel awkward when they find I don’t and I’m fine with discussing this topic. Thanks for posting this and being open and honest about it!

  • Michaella

    Thank you for this blog, really encouraged me with my waiting for marriage as well. But also remembering that I am sexual being, God created me this way. Plus, I think the bigger thing everyone should take from this is that our identity doesn’t come from our virginity/purity but out identity comes from what Jesus did for us on the cross.

    Bethany and Kristen, do you have any advice on lust/temptation/masturbation etc? As much as we want to shy away, as I’m typing I’m cringing lol. But I really want to hear some godly advice on this, not earthly ones especially when they say imagination, lust and masturbation is good for the health…when we all know is contrary to the Word of God.
    Any ideas?, not just to overcome these things but when a woman(including myself) falls in one of theses areas that they don’t feel disheartened after it happening, or how to keep on top of it?

    much love and thank you x

  • Ester

    Umm…. Bethany? Can you please explain how children are sexual beings? Since you said ‘we are all sexual beings from the moment that we are born’ …. Sure, we have genitals from birth, but I don’t think we become ‘sexual’ until puberty

    • Britta

      Ester, research “Freud’s Psychosexual Stages of Development”.

      • Ester

        I’m aware of Freud, his theories are pseudoscience and just plain creepy … there are a few relevant ideas here and there but it’s mostly quack science

    • Jason Garrick Shirtz

      Also try googling human sexual development. I’d ah. Do it myself and share the upshot with you, but I don’t think it’s the appropriate setting for that lols.

    • Hey Ester,

      Here at GirlDefined, we believe that all humans have two core aspects to their personhood: 1. Spirituality 2. Sexuality. These are two aspects that create the very core of who we are. We don’t become spiritual once we understand who Jesus is and accept Him as our Savior. We are spiritual beings from birth. It works the same with our sexuality. We don’t become sexual once we hit puberty. We are sexual by design. Yes, it does look different and changes when we hit puberty, but we don’t transform into a sexual being at the point. Just like our spirituality, our sexuality is something that we are born with. I would encourage you to check out Authentic Intimacy for more on this. Dr. Juli Slattery has a ton of great stuff tp say on this topic 🙂

      Bethany

      • Ester

        Thanks Bethany that’s really helpful. I will be checking out the book soon.

      • Sam

        “We are born sexual beings” sounds like the rhetoric of child predators. Creepy.

      • Moley Mole

        Do you have any Bible verses to back this up? Especially the sexuality part. I also struggle to see how children are born sexual beings.

  • Adriana

    What I got out this blog was that my worth doesn’t come from my lack of purity. It reminded me that my true worth comes from God alone. Although I wish that I saved myself for marriage because it is beautiful and precious when a woman is pure. But I learned from my mistake with choosing a guy over Jesus, which I won’t ever do again. This time I trust the LORD because I know He knows what He is doing.

  • whitefamily

    Thanks so much Bethany for showing us that sexuality doesn’t have to be embarrassing or awkward to talk about. It’s refreshing to be reminded that God is the author of sexuality, and that it is beautiful! You have definitely given me some godly advice that I needed to hear. Thanks again!
    Abigail White

  • Chelsea Ejimakor

    Great topic to talk about. Thanks for sharing, Bethany. A lot of women need this advice.

  • Stacey

    Hi Bethany, thank you for this post. I sometimes wonder about this topic in relation to just before getting married. Are you supposed to talk about this aspect of your relationship when you are engaged, before you get married? Is it okay to ask married Christian women for advice? I feel like it shouldn’t be something that’s taboo, but it’s also an awkward thing to talk about. P.S. this is not coming from someone who is engaged or even in a relationship at the moment, just something I’ve always wondered about for the future!

  • JN Mullaney

    Thank You so much Bethany! I really appreciate your honesty about this of topic. I am definitely getting Love Defined soon! me and my best friend are going to be going through it this summer together!!

  • Livia

    The word is actually “Yeda”, not “Yada”. And it means knowledge, not to deeply know.


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