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When Girls Chase Boys They Don’t Get What They Want

By: Kristen Clark

“Hey, my friend wanted me to tell you that he thinks you’re pretty.” This young whippersnapper pointed across the basketball gym towards his friend. I glanced across the gym and noticed a good looking guy sitting on the second row.

“Oh really?” I said raising my eyebrows. “Well, then tell your friend to come tell me that himself.” I smiled.

The guy shook his head in acknowledgment and ran off. Later that day, the “real guy” did come talk to me. He didn’t tell me I was pretty to my face, but he did strike up a conversation.

We had a fun “teenager-style” chat and I walked away with butterflies in my stomach.

I was already looking forward to the next time I would see him.

Then something weird happened. He stopped pursuing me. He stopped making efforts to talk to me. He stopped chasing me. I didn’t like this, so I took matters into my own hands.

I chased him instead.

The next 365 days looked like this: Kristen pursuing guy. Guy acting interested, but making no intentional efforts to pursue Kristen. Kristen getting excited because they were “communicating” a lot, but not realizing it was only because of her efforts.

Get the picture? Not good.

And this is how things ended.

When I finally decided to give this guy up, things ended. That was it. When I stopped chasing him, there was nothing left. It was over.

I learned a really good lesson from that experience which is what I’m about to share with you now.

In the “olden days,” it would have been very improper for a woman to pursue a man. Everyone knew it was a man’s job to man-up and go after his woman. Not so much today. In our modern culture, girls are encouraged to chase after boys.

We’re encouraged to follow our heart wherever it leads us.

In fact, the current female pop singer, Ingrid Michaelson, wrote a song about it. The title of her smash hit was named “Girls Chase Boys.” She sings this line 11 times, “Oooooh it’s all the same thing. Girls chase boys chase girls.”

In a behind the scenes interview she was asked why she wrote that song. Here’s what she said, “The focus [of the song] shifted to include the idea that, no matter who or how we love, we are all the same. The [music] video takes that idea one step further, and attempts to turn stereotypical gender roles on their head.”

We live in a culture where turning “stereotypical gender roles” on their heads is the norm. The problem is, we’re not getting what we want. Sure, it might appear like we’re getting what we want, but it never works out in the long run.

As a Christian girl, I have a bone to pick with this worldview.

For starters, when girls chase boys they become the leader in the relationship. They become the initiator and the pursuer. Is this a problem? Well, lets see what happened to Ashley when she took this approach.

Ashley liked Jake. She was tired of waiting. She decided to ask him on a date. She paid for their first meal, bought him the first gift, then asked him to be her Valentine. One year later she asked Jake to marry her. He said yes. She purchased both their rings. She planned the wedding. She picked the honeymoon spot.

Now 10 years later, Ashley is tired of being the initiator.

She is tired of carrying the weight in the family. She begins to despise Jake and views him as a lazy pig. Deep in her heart, she wishes he would take some initiative. She wishes he would pursue her, for once.

Well, Ashley, what did you expect? You encouraged him to be that way from day one. You encouraged him to be the responder. And that’s what you’ve got.

Sadly, this model for relationships is becoming all too common in our society. I hope you can see the obvious pitfalls.

When girls chase boys they really don’t get what they want.

When girls chase boys, we’re unknowingly encouraging the guy to be a follower. We’re encouraging him to be the responder, rather than the initiator. Even a strong headed woman like Ashley didn’t like what she got in the end.

God designed men to be the leaders and women to be the responders. We see this pattern all throughout Scripture. When we try to take matters into our own hands (like I did), things never turn out well in the end.

We force relationships to happen that shouldn’t. We get romantically involved with a guy who isn’t even interested in us. We get our hearts broken because we’re jumping the gun.

Can you relate to this?

With Valentines day right around the corner, it can be easy to “chase boys.” I pray you will see the pitfalls in that method. Instead, let the boy chase you. Let him pursue you. Let him be the man.

And if he doesn’t, that’s okay. Don’t force it. God will bring the right man into your life at the right time. And if he’s godly and mature, he will pursue you.

Instead of crippling the guys in your life (like Ashley did), help them become men.

The best way to do this is to embrace your God-given femininity. The more feminine you become, the more you will encourage the men in your life to become men.

What about you? Let’s chat.

  • Can you relate to my personal experience of chasing a guy? How did things turn out for you?
  • Do you struggle to let guys lead? Do you try to take control?
  • In what ways are you tempted to “chase” a guy this Valentine’s season?

 Photo Credit: www.flickr.com | 5640292678

Girl taking picture of guy

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  • Haley

    I am known to be very independent, and have grown up with my dad always teaching me self-defense and putting me in basketball, soccer, etc- anything athletic. I am sarcastic, sassy, and as my dad has called me my ENTIRE life, a punk haha. I would say though that I am becoming more feminine as time passes. I went through a phase where I hated dresses and skirts, and now I love them! I completely agree with you on this. Men should take the reigns. Even though my dad may have taught me things that the stereotypical girl wouldn’t do, I think God has balanced me out. My ultimate goal is to get married. I want a strong man to lead myself and my children. I would love someone to take control of the handiwork while I’m in charge of the kids and house. Men and women have skills in their own department. God never said that men and women weren’t equal in the household, he said the man would just be the leader. Great post, Kristen!

    • Hey Haley! It sounds like God is doing an amazing work in your life. Embracing your God-given femininity is the best thing you can do! God created you to be a woman for a reason and you will glorify Him the most in ways that are distinctly feminine. Btw – we think getting married is a great goal to have! Being a wife and mother is a high and holy calling by God. Keep praying for God’s direction and wisdom in your love! It sounds like you’re on the right track.

  • Elizabeth

    I can really relate with your story, Kristen! God taught me a big lesson through my own story. Thanks for this post! Some things that you mentioned, I had never though much about before.

    • Hey Elizabeth! So glad you found the post helpful. I figured a few girls would be able to relate to my story. 😉

  • Rosalie

    Hey, Kristen! Thanks so much for this post!! I’ve been tempted to pursue a guy that I like instead of waiting to see if he would care to initiate anything. Thanks so much for putting your time into this wonderful blog, Kristen and Bethany! 🙂 🙂

    • Hey Rosalie! Thanks for reading our blog and for your encouraging words!! Keep waiting on God’s timing for that special man to show up. God will bring him when the timing is right. 🙂

  • Marissa

    Wow this post could not have come at a better time for me. I’ve known this guy a year and have a huge crush on him. We hang out sometimes and talk quite frequently. Sadly, I’ve come to realization that all those times of contact were because I was the one initiating them. If I dont reach out to him than I am left waiting for a response that never shows up, forcing me to start things up again. I guess that it would be best to just distance myself and let God guide my life. Thank you so much for giving such a great perspective on “girls chasing boys”.

    • Hey Marissa! Wow – I am so glad this blog post came at just the right time for you. God has a neat way of arranging things like that. 🙂 Sounds like you’ve made similar mistakes like me. I think the best thing you can do is what you said. Distance yourself and allow him to be the initiator. If he doesn’t, well…then you know he’s not the one. Waiting can be hard…but forcing the wrong thing is even harder in the long run.

  • Gods_girlcoco

    This is happening with pretty much every guy in my life that I like. I know that I should stop initiating the convo, but I enjoy talking to them…..Hard situation to be in. Thanks , for this awesome post!

    • Hey! Breaking bad habits can be hard…but your relationships will never be as strong unless you do things God’s way. We can’t encourage you enough to let go of the reigns and allow the right guy to pursue you at the right time. God’s timing is always better than ours. 🙂

  • Elizabeth Williams

    This is awesome because me and my friend were just having a conversation about this the other day! We are seeing more and more of this. Sadly, many times when you see a girl who’s like that, you find that she is desperate or very impatient. If a guy really likes you, and especially if he’s a Christian guy who’s seeking God’s guidance, he WILL make the first move in some way. I had never really thought about it the way you said, that if you are the one initiating/pursuing, you are setting up a model for you to be the leader in the relationship. Wow, thanks for that example! I am discouraged, though, because a lot of people think that my ways are old-fashioned and that I am living in the early 1900s or something. They say “Those are just crazy gender roles.” But don’t they realize where, or should I say Who, these gender roles come from? Do you have any encouragement for me, as I’m getting tired of being ridiculed for standing up for what I believe is right?

    • Hey Elizabeth! I am glad this blog was encouraging to you! Yes…sadly, girls chasing guys is commonly accepted in our society today. I can relate to you feeling tired for standing up for what’s right. However, as tired as we feel sometimes, we should never give up. Standing for Biblical truth will never be an easy thing in our modern age. We’re almost ALWAYS going against the grain, and that can be tiring. However, God is our strength. He is our fortress. He will be with us every step of the way. Let’s not grow weary. Stay in the fight girl!! God needs courageous women who are willing to stand for His truth.

      Also, if you haven’t read these past blog posts yet, I highly encourage you to:

      Equally Valuable, Purposely Different
      http://www.girldefined.com/equally-valuable-purposely-different

      Equality With Guys Does Not Mean Sameness
      http://www.girldefined.com/equality-guys-sameness

      • Elizabeth Williams

        Thanks for the encouragement!

  • Loíde Cavalcanti

    Wow, very good! I’ve been there! But I was thinking .. If Jesus took the first step by the bride (the church), because I would give the first step for a man? If he is really interested, he will take the lead as Jesus did for me!

    • Hey Loide! Good thoughts. Thanks for sharing!

  • Diana

    This is a great post! I have been in this kind of situation. I was chasing a guy that I liked (it was lust I just didn’t realize it at the time), I got what i wanted, then he really started to like me. When I started to dig in the Scripture I saw that what I am doing is wrong I wasn’t supposed to do that. I am supposed to wait until God shows me who I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with! I was trying to “help” God get my husband. When I realized these things, I told him that we have to end our so called relationship, he didn’t want to let go, he said he had strong feelings for me. I told him multiple times that I want to wait for Gods will – he didn’t really react to that. This happened about two years ago, and today I still feel like he hasn’t forgot anything. At first, I was very happy with my “relationship”, but then the crush that I had disappeared.
    So girls, my advice – dont play around with these kind of things. God will forgive, He loves His children, therefore He will discipline us (like all parents do to their children), when we don’t go by His ways. I learned my lesson – don’t repeat my mistake or the mistake of the girl in the article. I hope God blesses you and keeps you pure!

    • ManInTheSuit

      I got what i wanted, then he really started to like me.

      How convenient that this is when your “epiphany” started to happen! He ceased to be a challenge, at which point he became boring to you; so you needed to find an escape through a pseudo-scriptural veneer, to allow yourself to save face. Then, you choose to refer to it as a “so-called” relationship. I doubt that’s how this poor fellow saw it, who got stomped on for daring to care! Many times, women tend to underestimate how deep the love of a man can go.

      Although I agree with the post, the fact that it was your pursuit that got the ball rolling doesn’t mean this guy couldn’t have been the husband you seek that had the Father’s endorsement. Not saying this was the case either, just that God isn’t limited in terms of how He brings people together.

      I don’t think the issue you were dealing with was necessarily (or exclusively) lust. Having romantic/sexual attraction doesn’t amount to that in and of itself; it’s when such thoughts are entertained to an unsuitable extent that a line is crossed. Whether or not that was your situation, only you know for sure. What I do see here is plenty of selfishness. The only thing that was “played around” with, was this guy’s heart. That was your mistake, and it had nothing to do with God’s will! Two years later, he’s still feeling the effects of such thoughtless manipulation. Maybe that wasn’t your intention…that just appears to be how it was.

  • C

    How do you differentiate between letting a guy take the lead and being too shy to interact with him? What if he rarely strikes up any conversations with you but you don’t want it to seem like you’re acting cold to him?

  • K

    My story is very similar to Diana’s, however, I was a very young mother of 2 and struggled most of my life as the only parent so it’s difficult not to feel as though I have to pursue the man or lead my home-kids gone now-but it has been and still is something that is extremely difficult to lead a”normal” life. Any advice?

  • Kate

    Hi Kristen! First of all, thanks for this blog post, I honestly needed this right now so it was great to read 🙂 I’ve been struggling with this a lot lately as there’s this been this one guy who asked me to hangout once and we had a great time but then he never messages me first. He hasn’t even asked for my number and even though he told me that he doesn’t like doing the whole texting/messaging thing, I’m still confused. If this Godly guy did like me, wouldn’t he put in the effort to message me to ask me how I’ve been and such? Anyhow, I’m still waiting for the right guy to step up to the plate but thanks for being such an encouragement to my life right now xo

  • Char

    This is an awesome post. I can relate, I have chased boys and YES! I never got what I wanted. I learned a valuable lesson, from chasing a guy, I was impatient, we talked because I initiated because he wouldn’t do anything, I was chasing and waiting for almost two years (stubborn and determined) and the worst i think that i did was daydream a lot. I learned that I need to be careful what I allowed into my mind, I am a die hard romantic and of course there is nothing wrong with romance but to be daydreaming about guys (not your husband), real or fake is not good. Let’s just say, It broke my heart terribly and I learned how selfish I really was. it took awhile for me to learn it but God finally got my attention, and healed me when I brought it to Him. He taught me to focus on Him and yes, be busy serving Him and others. “The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit:” 1 Cor 7:34

  • kae

    When I like a guy I usually start a conversation with them be it at the gym, school or work and then I back off and let them pursue me if they interested and most of the time they are interested, but the weird thing is when they pursue me and I get to know them I loose interest completely why is that?

  • Kayla

    This is a terrible message for women, and not at all Biblical! When does it say women
    can’t initiate the relationship? Ruth was the one to go after Boaz and initiate the relationship between them. Me and my boyfriend danced around the idea of a relationship for 3 months because he was too shy to say how he felt, so I had to chase him. We’ve been dating for four years now, we’re both very happy, and he is in no way just the ‘responder.’ We both give and get, which is the way it should be in any relationship. No women should simply be JUST the ‘receiver’ and no man should simply be JUST the ‘initiator.’

    Your Ashley/Jake situation is plain nonsense. Let’s reverse the order:

    Jake liked Ashley. He decided to ask her on a date. He paid for their first meal, bought her the first gift, then asked her to be his Valentine. One year later he asked Ashley to marry him. She said yes. He purchased both their rings. He planned the wedding. He picked the honeymoon spot.

    Ashley is not doing anything. What is she giving in return? Jake is doing all the work, and for all we know, she could simply be a freeloader. No one person should be giving everything while the other person just received in any relationship.

    If a man is too shy to ask a woman out, she should be able to pursue him. Why should we leave it all up to them? Are they infallible and always confident? Should we simply say ‘oh, he’s so weak and scared, so he’s not worth my time’? If so, you may need to rethink your views, because that is both shallow and stupid.

  • Kaceytron

    all of my relationships that I did not have an active part of starting went MISERABLY .and all of the relationships that were founded on communication and when it was a good time for BOTH of us have gone well. I realize this doesn’t apply to everyone, but young women should be having relationships on their own terms and desires- and if a girl persues someone, more power to her. Learning how to say what you want, learning how to flirt and interact, not just to be a passive receiving role, is very important.

  • kofybean

    This is exactly what happens to guys when they chase girls. You women are sad if “that one time” you put yourself out there, and it didn’t work, you quit. Happy for the women out there that put in effort into their relationship. Cuz it is pretty much life for guys to not get what you want, but women still want guys to do the persuing, why? Is it easier for men to do all the work? Cuz they sure don’t get what they want either.

    • Brendan Feldman

      Thank you for pointing out the elephant in the room!

  • Caligirl

    Great article!!! As someone who was the chaser to now being married for over 21 hrs to a man whom pursued me……. I finally did get what I wanted 🙂 before then, as a non believer, going from one relationship to another (yes many issues there) I lived that life, miserably by the way…… But finally learning the right way to having a proper, healthy, relationship….. To now (Hubble being a Pastor) to counseling many many couples, like Ashley and Jake ( YES they exist) and help them work through that imbalanced mess. Many are winding through it, but it’s tough. Anyways, thanks for sharing!

  • Ana Herrera

    I have a question, being the women the responders, is that calljng us weak and worthless. I was told this is what it means by society, now I am confused

    • Allison

      No, it actually means you are strong enough to wait on God’s best.

  • thehappygirl

    I can definitely relate here! I chased a guy around age 15 (wayyyy too young for a serious relationship! Anyways….) And, turns out, he got very bored, very quickly and moved on to the next girl. It’s quite comical now, but at the time I just didn’t understand why he lost interest so quickly! Since then, I’ve learned it’s best to let the guy lead, but there’s nothing wrong with being available.

  • Michael M

    I don’t pursue women because I got sick and tired of meeting women who already have boyfriends . The woman I meet act like they’re not interested in men . If a woman act like she’s not interested in men, she’s not interested in men . I don’t like women who play hard — to — get . I’d be embarrassed to be too much of a “leader”, I’d be embarrassed if the woman I marry to act like a slave girl, and I’d LOVE it if a woman asked me to marry her !

  • Wolfsmädchen

    Oh, I can totally relate! Some guys are like, I wouldn’t pursue her but because she is doing all the work and gives herself to me freely, why don’t use her to have some fun?

  • Call Me Kat

    Wow! This is so great! I really needed to hear this today.

  • juppez

    So basically women want to be sheep who are being led by men? why should men respect you then?

  • Cam

    Genuinely curious where in the Bible you’re seeing that men should only pursue. “In the “olden days,” it would have been very improper for a woman to
    pursue a man. Everyone knew it was a man’s job to man-up and go after
    his woman.” – (mostly ignoring the fact that saying “his” woman is just plain offensive) This just speaks to tradition, not Biblical teaching, and just because somethings tradition, doesn’t make it correct. I started to think of courting examples in the Bible (there aren’t many) and then realized, we really can’t use the Biblical model of courting as an example for us because the culture and process is SO different. We can say Ruth and Esther pursued and made themselves available, but those circumstances are so vastly different than our culture and experiences today. Also, in Biblical times, there was almost a transaction going on that the woman had nothing to do with when a courtship or wedding was happening.

    I agree that women in general (as a personality trait) prefer men to do the pursuing, we want to be pursued. I want to be pursued. In my first relationship I actually told the guy, “I won’t initiate anything, it has to be all you.” and of course that is not entirely what happened, as in a relationship there is ebb and flow and it cannot all be one-sided all the time. And when I did initiate (anything) he showed much gratefulness.
    And I agree that men in general want the conquest, they want to do the pursuing. But guys don’t want to have to do it all. And as I’ve gotten older (and am still single) I’m losing sight of why they have to.
    I think the example shared above is not of a woman chasing a man, but is of an insensitive un-empathetic person chasing someone who didn’t have interest in them. The result would occur no matter which gender initiated. A relationship takes two – and women and men need to be smart, and aware, and humble, and not prideful, and not self-centered, and actually pay attention to the response you are getting from the other person.
    I would love to be pursued and given the chance to respond. But especially as an older single woman, as time goes on and no guy does pursue, I don’t see a problem with honestly assessing a friendship or acquaintanceship where the guy seems like he wouldn’t run at the idea of a date with me, and asking him out to lunch, or coffee, or dinner, or whatever! Honestly, guys are clueless a lot of the time, and just making yourself available (read your other article about how to be intentionally available) is not enough.

  • Winnie

    Okay this kind of make sense, but I think both girls and guys can pursue on another, and be equal leaders in their relationship.


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