How to Have God Honoring Friendships With Guys
Looking back on my high school years I realize how little I knew about interacting with guys.
I would say, the one word that best described my interaction with young men, would probably be flirting. As a super outgoing, social, extroverted gal, flirting just seemed to be my most natural way of interaction.
Some girls feel awkward around guys and run away out of fear, and some, like myself, revert to being overly friendly and flirty.
I personally don’t think either option is a good one.
Over the years God has convicted my heart in this area and I’ve come a long *long* way in my guy friendships. I’m not perfect, but I’m definitely much further down the road than I was in high school.
Through much wisdom from the godly men and women around me, I’ve really grown to interact with guys in a much more God-honoring and pure way.
A conference in particular, had a big impact on the way I processed my interactions with guys.
I’ll never forgot one of the messages I heard at on this very topic. The pastor took us through what he called the “5 T’s.” These “5 T’s” basically act as a filter to help us best interact with the young men around us.
These 5 T’s are a great way to evaluate your actions, check your heart, and make sure you’re acting in a way that truly honors God.
Let’s jump in:
T = Time
Ephesians 5:15–16 says, “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.”
As young Christian woman we need to evaluate the time we spend with young men. We need to ask ourselves important questions about the quantity and quality of time spent with guys. Ask yourself:
- Am I squandering hours upon hours just “hanging out”?
- Am I careful to make sure that my time spent with guys is Christ-honoring?
- Am I trying to find my identity and worth in the amount of time I spend with guys?
- Is the amount of time I’m spend with my guy friends the wisest and most productive use of my time?
T = Talking
Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
Your conversations with guys must line up with Scripture. You are accountable to God for the words that you speak. Don’t excuse your conversation just because it’s with a guy. Ask yourself:
- What topics typically dominate the majority of my conversations with guys?
- Do my conversations with guys contain crude, sarcastic, or rude comments?
- Do my words push my guy friends toward Christ or away?
- Are my words edgy, flirty and slightly seductive?
T = Transparency
Proverbs 17:27 says, “Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.”
When it comes to friendships with guys, we each need to make sure that we keep a close eye on this one. Opening up, sharing deep feelings, and discussing personal topics can lead a friendship down a dangerous path. We truly should be careful with what information we share with our guy friends. Ask yourself:
- Am I cautious with the amount of information I share with my guy friends?
- Do I share personal/intimate secrets?
- Do I pour out my heart to my guy friends?
- Do I use my guy friends as someone to simply comfort my crazy emotions?
T= Trust
First Corinthians 15:33 says, “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals.’”
When picking guy friends, we need to look at what they do (their actions), and not simply who they describe themselves to be (their words). I know many girls (me included) who have trusted guys based on their words alone. A lot of guys can talk-the-talk but, do not walk-the-walk. Be wise about whom you choose to trust. Ask yourself:
- Am I intentional about purposefully choosing godly guy friends?
- Am I willing to give up a friendship with a guy if I know it isn’t good?
- Have my morals been compromised with any of my current guy friendships?
T = Touch
First Thessalonians 4:3–5 says, “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in a way in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.”
This is a big area of struggle for many single guys and girls. We need to make sure that each of our friendships with guys is marked by purity and holiness. As girls we should be encouraging our guy friends toward purity and not tempt them towards impurity. Ask yourself:
- Do I show honor toward my guy friends in the area of physical touch?
- Am I self-controlled with my hands, hugs, etc.?
- Is the “touching” aspect of my relationships with guys holy in God’s sight?
I hope that those five areas give you direction when it comes to navigating your friendships with guys. I would encourage you to take some time to pray about and evaluate your current friendships in light of the 5 T’s. Ask God to show you any areas that might not be honoring to Him. Then be willing to make changes .
I’d love to hear from you now!
How are your guy friendships matching up with the five T’s?
Which areas would you say need improvement?
Wow. This is great! It is an awesome reminder for me to stay focused in my friendships with guys and to point their attention to Christ and not to me! Thank you so much!
Well said!
Wow. You never know how much you need improvement until you read something like this. Great post Bethany!
Great post!! Thank you, Bethany! This is *exactly* what’s been on my mind this past weekend! I do have a question, though: What if you have a couple of guy friends who are Christians, but they’re not “godly” guys and you don’t really want to be friends with them, but you don’t know how to even get out of the friendship? Those couple of friends that I have I only hang out with in a group of friends, but honestly, as I’m chasing after God, I’m continuously losing the way I used to be and increasingly feeling more and more distant from this group of Christian friends, particularly the guys. I want to push them towards Jesus, but it’s really hard especially when they’re already Christians and seem to be content with where they are. This group always invites me to stuff still and I’m pretty sure they still think I’m close to all of them, but mentally, I don’t even want to hang out with them anymore. I’m just ready to move on. There’s so much more I could type telling all my reasons why, but I won’t do that. I just so desire to have God-honoring friendships with guys and girls alike with people who obviously are pursuing Christ, striving to love Him with all their hearts, souls, minds, and strengths. I don’t really know hardly any people like that, either. I am praying for godly friends all the time. Oh, and one more question: What are some practical ways you can steer conversations with guys (and girls, too) towards Christ? Thanks and so sorry this comment is so long! Haha.
Start dropping hints through conversations, attitudes, and interests, that you are pursuing God seriously. Pray and ask God for wisdom in how to tactfully back out of those friendships and ask Him how you can point them to Christ. Even while you might not want them in your friend group, they will still watch your life to see if you live up to what you tell them. I have some ‘friends’ who I wouldn’t really choose as friends but they are around my age and hang out at church. They watch me like a hawk to see if I am really living out my Christian faith like I profess. It is a heavy responsibility, but sometimes actions speak louder than words for ‘friends’. I encourage to remain strong in your walk with the Lord and to show through your actions that you take following Jesus seriously.
Also, as far as directing conversations towards Christ-centered topics: it can be tricky and you definitely want to use tact here. Pray and ask God for direction before you speak. It really helps. God will give you opportunities to speak into their lives if you are looking for them. Here too, living out your faith is sometimes louder than words. By allowing God to have complete control of your life, conversations, relationships, and friendships, the door is already open for Christ-centered conversations. Your friends will notice something different about you and comment on it. Just make sure that your walk and your talk match up!
Blessings to you as you pursue Christ first!
Thank you so much, Rebekah!! I so appreciate you taking the time to reply to me! It means so much! Your advice was right on target.
Blessings to you as well, sister!
All of those area especially “touch” I always asked hug,kisses to guys . I thought I had a great lack of affection that’s why I did that . 🙁 . I learned from a boy who is my ex-boyfriend that ” I am a girl who always need affection of boy so it was easy for him to have what I expect from me , He had just to do hug , kiss all is done” It hits me so much ! I cried many hours and I now realized but It’s already done :'(
I have two awesome guy friends. They are pursuing the Lord and are the most godly, humble, and kind guys I’ve ever met! It’s so awesome that we have the same morals, so we can talk about how we see things in light of Jesus.
I have one guy friend that js very close to me. He is my best friend for more than 5 years. He loves the Lord and is a very good friend. But for some reasons I am suspecting he is falling in love with me and that scares me. Should I just push him away from me and stop being his friend. We do talk about many things. He knows me a lot. But every time we talk or most of the time, it is edifying. What should I do? Please, help!
Pray for God’s guidance and wisdom. Treat him like a brother in Christ and seek God’s will.
It happened to me too so I hope that what I share will somehow be helpful!
When a boy and a girl share a close relationship it might happen that one of them starts to have feelings for the other.
If those feelings are not reciprocated the situation starts to be a little uncomfortable. If I were you I would consider some things:
1. Are you interested in him? You two share a deep relationship and often wonderful marriages grow from a good friendship, so it might be useful to think if you too are interested in him.
2. If you realize that you don’t see him as more than a friend, you should decide what to do. Push him away is not a good idea: he is a good friend who is only “guilty” of liking you, he deserves more than being pushed away without explanations.
the hard question is: should you say something directly or not? Every situation is unique so it is hard to give a definite answer, if he is blatantly honest about his feelings for you, you should tell him the truth, but if he doesn’t speak clearly it is up to you to decide if you want to talk directly about it or drop hints hoping that he will understand. I suggest that you pray for guidance and wisdom.
And, don’t think that this will ruin your friendship: sometimes this happens, but more often than not it doesn’t. This happened to me twice and I’m still friends with both of the guys. Mature Guys are strong enough to accept a no,
I really hope that you will be able to solve the situation!
I habe a guy friend whom is close to me but we both follow a set of rules that help us stay pure. Such as parents reading texts and only giving side-hugs, and only side-hug to greet and say goodbye. I’m extremely careful as to what I say to him so that’s covered too. 🙂 I remember when I frist had a guy friend (same guy that I was just talkinbg about) I read every post on friendships with guys that I could find on this site, so y’all have been helping me stay on track from day one. 😀
Inspiring! Purity next level – I want to do that!
Thanks for this post. These five T’s are such great reminders when it comes to guy friends 🙂
These were good tips for those who are more outgoing with guys, but do you think you could give good tips for girls who can get a bit awkward around guys? How do you cultivate friendly relationships with guys during the teen years? How can you have a friendship with a guy that doesn’t make him (and everybody else) think you like him?
Hey Reigha, I have a great post on your exact question. You can check it out here: https://www.girldefined.com/ignoring-guys-spiritual-plain-rude
I’m more like the girl who runs away! I mean, I don’t actually run away but I always feel awkward and super self-conscious.
Wow!! Very helpful! Thanks for sharing!
Dear Bethany, thank you for this post. It asks tough-love questions. Very much needed indeed.
I wanted to ask what is wrong with being open, sharing deep feelings, and discussing personal topics with guys? How does that lead to a dangerous path? Isn’t that the beauty of friendships, so we know and lift each other up.
Thank you 🙂
Hey Camila, Thanks for reading and for asking such a great question! 🙂 I think it’s important that we as christian girls recognize that friendships guy can’t be treated the same as our friendships with girls. When it comes to guy friendships we have to careful to honor the other persons heart and carefully guard our own heart as well. We have to remember that the young men we interact with will one day be some other girl’s future husband. We have to make sure that we aren’t building an emotional bond that can’t be maintained long term. Girl friendships can go deep and stay deep even if the girl were to get married. Guy friendships can’t quite last the same way. Not to mention deep emotional friendships with guys can often lead to one person getting their heart involved, only to have it broken in the end. I would highly recommend going deep/personal with your girl friends, but being careful with how deep/personal you go with your guy friendships. I hope that helps 🙂 -Bethany
Dear Bethany, thank you for your response. It definitely makes more sense. Now, why is it that girl friendships are different from guy friendships? Is it just because we are men and women and we are sexually attracted to one another?
Also, for the girls that feel awkward around guys and run away out of fear, how do we change that? I definitely don’t want to be overly friendly, but just comfortable and calm.
Once again thank you so much.
Great post friend!! Super solid suggestions in an easy-to-remember format! I’ll be sharing this with the girls that I mentor. <3
Awesome post! I feel so self-conscious around boys, and for me it’s hard to interact with them 🙁
Exactly! I usually just stay away because I have no idea what to say or how to act. I know that ignoring them isn’t the answer so I’m trying to start out small and just treat them like people. Following girldefined’s advice works! Ive tried it and it’s helped me not to worry about how I look/act around guys. 🙂
Yeah I totally agree. It’s way harder for me to just simply be chill around guys. Flirting is not a problem with me! But… like you said about just staying away from them…I con relate to that. I’m working on it though cause guys are just people too and can be good friends.
Yes! I can only imagine the disaster if I tried to flirt…lol. But I don’t want/see a need to anyway. So, yeah, I’m really trying now. We’re in this together! 🙂
I like how you touch on both emotional and physical purity. A friend of mine has said more than once that we are taught (or teach others) about physical purity quite a bit, but not much is said about emotional purity. Thanks you for ministering to girls through your blog!
I really want to be friends with a guy. I may be, thanks to my bestfriend. I will keep this in mind where ever I go
Thanks for the post! I have friendships with guys but I have noticed I have to be more careful about talking and touch, God bless this Ministry Girldefined, I am reading this blog since this year . Blessings from Lima Peru !!
How can one deal with the tendency to run away from guys?
Hi, I’m reading this from Abuja, Nigeria. Great article! It’s something I really need to work on. I noticed a while back that most of my friendship with guys I viewed through a lense of ‘could he be a future boyfriend and later a future husband?’ I then realised this is a very wrong way of dealing with friendships with guy friends. Since then I have been trying to see my guy friends as brothers, and not potential boyfriends. Reading this article today helped me because it has given me a sort of checklist that I can mentally consult whenever in order to check myself and make sure my relationship with my guy friends is God-honouring and pure. Thank you so much for this! God bless you and your ministry!
Joshuanna-Marie
🙂 <3 xoxo
Can you include more on the transparency part. You say it could be a dangerous path but you don’t include why or ways to help. I think I use one of my best guy friends to comfort my crazy emotions like you said in the end. That really hit me. This guy friend is there for me to talk about boys and he helps me through. Is that bad?
If you are lucky enough to have a great friend in your life who helps you the way you described, then that’s wonderful and it doesn’t matter what their gender is. Life will always find ways to confuse you, and having someone who you can be honest with about your deeper struggles, and have a mutual trust with, is amazing. That’s what true friends are there for. Don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t open up and be honest with someone you trust just because they’re a guy.
I have heard that it can be dangerous to open yourself up to guys all the time, if you guy friend finds you stressed and crying and asks what’s wrong there’s nothing wrong with telling, but it can lead you to be vulnerable of then taking advantage of you or lead to something you don’t expect happening, so it’s best to have a female who you can talk to anything about.
Great article! I have several guy friends but none that I’m particularly close to. It’s good to hear about the 5 T’s to help me in my friendships with them for sure.
Wonderful article! Thank you!
thanks for the article…i have a random question….what are your feelings towards listening to secular music that isn’t bad?
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I don’t have ANY somehow close guy friends even though I would love to have at least one.
I really enjoyed this and truly needed to see this very much! The “5 T” was awesome, so thank you bunches for sharing that!!!
Wow! God brought this into my life right at the time I needed it. So thankful for y’all’s commitment to this blog but ultimately Christ!
I’ve been thinking about how to maintain good friendships with fellowship guys, especially since my summer holidays have started. We, as a group of 4 guys and 2 gals, meet up very frequently to watch movies, read books and plan our graduation trip to Japan next month etc, apart from our weekly fellowship of a larger group. It’s truly a blessing to have such male friends in Christ.
Yet I have to admit that when we get to know each other more, I struggle with Transparency– what kind of personal experience can I share with them? Is it appropriate for me share this emotion? Also, some guys can get Touchy, which can cause misunderstandings.
While we learn through God’s word and seek advice from mentors, I pray that God bless our fellowship and those of you who are also learning to handle friendships with guys. Thank you Bethany for writing this blog and God bless GirlDefined!
Thank you so much for this. I’m surrounded by guys everyday and one of my best friends is a guy so I’ve been thinking about how I can have a god-honoring friendship with them