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The Hardest Thing About Being a Christian Married Girl

By: Kristen Clark

There he was. After all these years. Standing tall in a tux. Looking extremely handsome. And smiling directly at me.

Walking down the aisle toward my soon-to-be husband was an experience unlike any other. This was the moment I had been dreaming of for years. This was the moment I had been waiting for during our entire engagement. This was it.

Getting married to the man of my dreams was an incredible experience. And living life as a married woman for the past five and a half years has been out-of-this-world awesome.

Getting married someday is a dream that most of us, as girls have.

The popularity of bridal and wedding magazines confirm this fact. As girls, we love to dream about romance, fairy tales and the “what ifs” of our future.

However, very few girls spend a lot of time dreaming about the reality of life after the wedding. And even fewer girls spend large quantities of time actually preparing for what that new life will be.

For me, the past five and a half years of marriage have been some of the most amazing years of my life, but they’ve also been some of the hardest.

On a quick side note, this blog post is a part of series of posts we’ve published in the past called, “The Hardest Thing About…”

First, our sister Rebekah wrote a post called “The Hardest Thing About Being a Christian Teen Girl.” Next, Bethany wrote a post called, “The Hardest Thing About Being a Christian Single Girl.” And now, here’s my post – The Hardest Thing About Being a Christian Married Girl.

Marriage is beautiful, romantic, intimate, and exciting. But it’s not always easy.

Unlike any other relationship in our lives, marriage is the only relationship where everything about us is completely and totally exposed. All the good, and all the ugly.

I entered into my marriage Zack knowing it would be awesome and hard, but I wasn’t prepared for something that totally caught me off guard.

For me, the hardest thing about being a Christian married girl is this: Loving my husband selflessly.

During the dating/courtship phase and the engagement phase, life isn’t reality. You’re in a romantic bubble of infatuation where everything about your life revolves around YOU. Your wedding, your ring, your bridesmaids, your future, your fiancé, your venue, your honeymoon, your apartment, your gifts, your plans, your future.

Okay – then you wake up on the other side of the honeymoon and quickly realize, “Oh wait – life doesn’t revolve around me?!” With my sinful flesh already being devoted to self, the extra self-focused mindset I had during the wedding planning season didn’t help me.

During the first year of marriage I was honestly shocked at how hard it was to love my husband selflessly.

Even though I married a really loving and easy going guy, my selfishness took over when I least expected it. When things didn’t go my way, or we disagreed on something, I was surprised by some of my responses.

Like the time Zack and I completely disagreed on how our budget should be run (I share the full story in Girl Defined: God’s Radical Design for Beauty, Femininity, and Identity). I thought my way was better and totally disagreed with his opinions. Instead of showing him respect as Ephesians 5:33 commands wives to do, I disrespected him and demanded my way.

Or how about the time Zack made a purchase that I thought was totally unreasonable.

Instead of having a kind and loving heart-to-heart chat with him, I crossed my arms and communicated to him in a passive-aggressive kind of way.

And then there’s the time when he wanted to go to one restaurant and I wanted to go to another. Instead of selflessly going where he wanted to go, I kept pushing harder until I got my way.

Unfortunately, selfishness runs in all of our veins from the moment we’re born.

Getting married is no exception to this sin struggle.

As a single girl, I honestly thought I would be waaaaaay less selfish when I got married. I thought becoming a “Mrs.” would somehow automatically mature me in a godly and selfless woman.

Boy, was I wrong.

Getting married has only exposed how truly selfish and self-centered I am.

My biggest advice for any single girl out there is this: don’t wait until you’re married to find out how selfish you are. Look for it now.

Look at the way you treat your siblings and parents. Look at the way you treat your closest friends. Do your interactions portray more of a server, or more of a taker? Do you consistently show kindness to your parents when you disagree, or do you show anger? Do you treat your siblings with respect when they’re rude to you? Do you look for extra ways to bless and serve your family and friends?

When the pressure is on and you’re “squeezed,” what comes out?

Does your life overflow with the fruits of the spirit (love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control), or the fruits of the flesh (anger, selfishness, harsh words, impatience, sarcasm, unkindness, frustration, etc)?

Who you are as a single girl is exactly who you’ll be as a married girl. Nothing magical will happen to your character after you get married. Trust me.

Marriage is a wonderful institution designed by God (and I highly recommend it!!), but it will be as hard or as easy as you make it depending on how selfless you’re willing to become.

My biggest encouragement to you as a single girl (or married girl) would be to work hard on developing the Fruits of the Spirit in your life from Galatians 5:22-23 right now. Even after five years of marriage I’m still working on them!

If you can get a head start now, you will be well on your way to building a solid foundation for your future marriage.

The best way to do this is to build a personal and daily relationship with Christ. We can’t overcome the power of our flesh without His help. And we will never thrive in our lives or our marriages until we live to honor Christ more than to live for ourselves.

Thanks so much for reading this post! I’d love to hear your thoughts below.

  • Was there anything is this post that struck you as eye opening or interesting?
  • Knowing the reality of your character right now, if you were to get married tomorrow, in what ways would you struggle to be selfless toward your husband?

Kristen Clark with wedding ring

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  • T.K.

    I think one of the reasons why I’m still single is because I was dreaming more about the reality with a future husband instead of all the romance. I must confess that I’m intimadated by the thought that after time, when romance is a past memory, I begin to despise him? What if I find him different than what he presented himself at first? What if he begins to irritate me, and disgust me? As soon as I start thinking about romantic relationship, these second thoughts are crossing them out. I understand that if I ever marry, I will marry for love, and love covers all things. But I still can’t get these thoughts out of me!

    • CH

      Just think about it will be the exact same thing for him, he will discover things in you that only the love he has for you will help him overcome.. is a two way situation…

  • Oh man. SO true. 😀 I’m not married, but when I started dating I found out that YEESH, I’m selfish. I always thought I wasn’t “that bad,” but then I started getting my feelings hurt all the time for basically no reason, then ignoring him, etc. I woke up one morning and was like, “What have I become??”

    My expectations clashed with reality, and my poor boyfriend was trying to figure out what was going on. 😛

    Thanks for this article! It’s kind of scary thinking about how I may get “good” at the “selfless dating,” but when I get married, I’ll uncover a whole another layer of selfishness. But once we see our sin, then we know what we can work on, and God will change us.

    Great post!

  • Tiana

    If i were to get married tomorrow, i would struggle mostly in the area of anger. I have a very short fuse, and i will blow up at the smallest and stupidest things. I’m really praying and getting help from my youth pastor though, and she told me that she can see a difference in my anger. So i’m really working on that, although i can’t say its easy. So please keep my in your prayers.

  • Jessica

    This is such an amazing article! It’s very encouraging, people say how you treat your dad and family,and friends is how you’ll treat your significant other so a few months ago I saw how mean and selfish I was it scared me I’ve been working on respecting others and not getting mad when things don’t go my way. I still have a long way to go,But little by little the Lord is helping me as I’m growing in him to show love and compassion even when I feel like some people don’t deserve it.

  • Anna

    I think that selfishness is becoming more of a problem as women are marrying later in life. As a single girl in my mid/ late twenties I’m used to earning my own money and making my own choices. When I think about the prospect of being in a relationship and having to discuss all decisions I get nervous! Like you said Kristen if we hope to marry someday we need to plan for the marriage not the wedding!

  • Ana Castro Yanez

    To be honest with you one of the main reasons I don’t want to get married is because I am selfish. Right now as a single girl I only have to pay MY bills and spend my money on what I need. I don’t have to worry about a husband. I still live with my parents and siblings. I love them and try not to be selfish with them. They are my favorite people, but I can’t see myself being selfless with a husband. And yes, I know it is an issue, but I just don’t want to share a life with a husband because I want things my way alone.

    • Wasindi

      Hello Ana!
      Many people have many reasons for not wanting to get married, however, if you have selfish reasons like the ones you mentioned: “I want things my way alone”, “I cant see myself being selfless with a husband”, you´re already sinning. Its like if someone doesnt want children for selfish reasons.
      May the Lord help you deal with your heart and change your mind! Remember, Christ loved selflessly His church, just like marriage.

      • Katie

        Wait, wait, wait. So if someone KNOWS about their flaws and weaknesses, and won’t get married because they don’t want to commit to a relationship they may not be able to handle or give their all into, they’re sinning?

        That is some sound logic right there.

        • Wasindi

          Hahaha hello Katie!
          Nope, Im not saying that! Everyone has their weaknesses, however, what I was pointing out was the fact that if you dont want to get married because you´re gonna be selfish with that person because somehow you dont want to deal with your selfishness, you´re already sinning because you´re being selfish in the act of thinking that.
          I dont know if you get the point hehehe

          • Katie

            “that if you dont want to get married because you´re gonna be selfish with that person because somehow you dont want to deal with your selfishness, you´re already sinning because you´re being selfish in the act of thinking that.”

            No, that can be a way of dealing with the problem. By not getting married, you won’t subject someone to having to deal with your so-called ‘sin.’

            “I dont know if you get the point hehehe”

            I don’t think you get the point. This world is a large place and to emphasize so much on marriage (which is small in the grand scheme of things) is ridiculous. I was trying to critique your logic of your initial comment, but now I’m just going to go to your ideology. Marriage isn’t for everyone and to imply it is carries a lot of issues.

    • Val

      Not everyone is called to marriage and not everyone is called to marriage at a young age, maybe the feelings you have are a sign that in this moment being single is the right thing for you 🙂

  • Kay M.

    “I struggle with being self-centered. So I started a blog all about.. ME!!”

    • Agnes Tan

      Do you think a person really self-centered would be willing to share her struggles and her flaws on a public blog visible to all of the world?

      Thank you for sharing your struggles! One always hears about the bubbly sides of marriage, but I really appreciated hearing the struggles of marriage, if only to know how to better number my days right now. 🙂

  • Yesterday I was talking with a girl about get married even in the life that she is living (it is very different that our life, that try to follow God in all ways). She has the same thoughts about be selfish, thinking only in her and nothing more.
    That is a thought even more rooted in the culture this days. If we see in the past, the thing that the girl most wanted was be married and be free to make her own decisions.

  • Melissa VDA

    Thanks for the great article! I am getting married on March 17!

    • Tiana

      Congratulations!!!

  • Mickeeva Walker

    I’ve been thinking about this too so thank you so much for this post!

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