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How to Discover if He’s The One You Should Marry

By: Bethany Baird

My boyfriend and I had been pursuing an intentional relationship for quite some time. He was ready to move forward into engagement. I wasn’t so sure. I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision.

I’d been in the relationship long enough to have all of the facts in hand.

I knew the ins and outs of his personality. I knew his strengths. I knew his weaknesses. I knew his likes and dislikes. I knew his convictions. There was only one thing left for me to figure out. I needed to decide if I wanted to commit to spending the rest of my life with him.

Questions started to bounce around in my mind as I tried to figure out if he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Should we get married? Are we really better together? Do we really make a great team? Do we push each other forward? Does my family think we’re better together? Do we draw each other closer to Christ?

I ended up taking some time to seriously pray, think, and seek out wisdom concerning that relationship.

After much prayer and counsel over the relationship, I was convinced that he was not the one I wanted to marry. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with him. I truly believed that we were better off separate than together.

Breaking off that relationship was hard. Really hard. It was hard saying goodbye to the man I’d just spend months upon months investing into. It was hard to move on, knowing I could be single forever. It was hard thinking about starting over. It was hard losing that companionship.

Despite the pain and sorrow of the breakup, I was deeply convinced that it was the right decision.

I want to share with you the questions and thoughts that ultimately helped me make that decision (this isn’t an exhaustive list, but simple questions that truly helped me during this time). 

My prayer is that these questions and thoughts will help you answer the question, “how can I know if he’s the one I should marry?”

1. Do We Encourage Each Other Spiritually?

When I took the time to seriously evaluate this question in my relationship, I realized that we really didn’t encourage each other spiritually. Unfortunately, his spiritual leadership seemed to lack as the relationship continued progressing.

He would talk about wanting to make Christ the focus, but couldn’t seem to follow through on making Him a regular part of our lives. This became a huge red flag for me and I realized. I wanted to marry a man who had the desire to genuinely lead me closer to Christ. I just don’t think that this guy desired to do that.  

2. Is Christ the Central Focus in Our Relationship?

When the relationship first started, Christ was the central focus. As the relationship continued on, we became the central focus. Everything was about us. Our feelings. Our interested. Our love for each other. Us. Us. Us.

I soon realized that our relationship was actually built upon a foundation of infatuation and self, not on Christ. This was not what I wanted for my future. I wanted to be with a man who strived to make Christ the foundation, not our love and passion for each other. This was a red flag that took me one step closer to realizing he wasn’t the one for me.

3. Does My Family Support Our Relationship?

The relationship seemed to start off really well and my family was very supportive. As things continued on, my family began to notice a lot of inconsistencies in my boyfriend’s life. They began to wonder if he was truly a great match for me.

Towards the end of the relationship, my entire family (every sibling and parent) were on the same page. After praying and observing, they all (at individual and different times) shared their concerns and advised me to end it. Wow! Talk about a clear red flag. I took their wisdom and input seriously and came to see that their concerns were very much true.

4. Does He Respect My Purity?

When this guy and I first started a relationship, he was very honorable and respectful. He said all of the right things and seemed to live them out. As the relationship progressed, his guard came down and I began to see deeper into his character and heart.

His respect for my purity began to fade and I soon realized that his words were just that…words. They weren’t so much a core conviction but more of the right words to say to get me to like him. His lack of respect for my purity was a big concern of mine. This was a red flag that pushed me closer to ending the relationship.

5. Do We Share a Similar Vision and Passion for Life?  

Towards the end of my relationship with this guy, I started to realize that we didn’t share a similar vision and passion for life. Yes, we were both Christians. Yes, we both went to church. Yes, we had some spiritual things in common. But that was about it. He really didn’t share my drive and passion for ministry and discipleship. He was more of a Sunday morning Christian and not so much an active live out and serve during the week.

I knew I wanted to marry a man who was passionate about God’s Kingdom week in and out, and this guy didn’t seem to have that. Another red flag that helped me make my decision.

Answering those questions helped me to end the relationship. 

I am so grateful that God gave me the grace to be honest with the relationship and call it off. Even though it was hard to end the relationship, I’m so glad I did. 

If you are currently in a relationship, I hope you will take the time to answer those questions for yourself. Take time to seriously consider your relationship. Take time to figure out if this is the man you truly want to commit your life to. It’s a huge decision that needs to be taken seriously.

What qualities are you looking for in a future husband?

What kind of man do you want to commit to spending the rest of your days with?

Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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guy and girl

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Radical Purity
  • Stephanie

    Great post! I assume breaking up is hard, though I’ve never had a boyfriend:'(…there’s a saying that kinda goes along with this post: the longer you hold on to a cactus, the more it will hurt.

  • Giselle

    These words keep coming to me from all possible sources: look for a Godly guy; watch his actions not just his words; listen to your parents and siblings if they don’t support your relationship. And I keep this words into my mind and my heart. At this moment I have a lot going on and many possibilities, so I’m still confused.

    The big issue is that I’ve met Godly men, and they identifiy me as a Godly woman. However they seem more concerned if I make it to their list than anything else. It’s like it doesn’t matter if a guy is Christian or not, they all consider me the full-package and want what I have to offer, but aren’t interested on who I am as an individual. And there’s this big pressure on settling before I’m too old to choose anyone. Of course I want to honor God in my relationship, but I want it to start for the right reasons.

    • Lexie Zandt

      My advice is that you don’t do anything. What I mean is, don’t start a relationship with someone if you feel they’re not in it for the right reasons. You’ll know when the right one comes along. He will come at the perfect time; usually when you least expect it.

  • Ivy

    I wholeheartedly agree! Learning from a past experience, see if he truly fears God. If he fears God, that can answer a lot of questions. That way, he is focused Christ, not self. He would respect your convictions regarding purity and other things. I am in a season of waiting so this really helped since I have been observing a Christian friend from school.

  • Karysia Fernandes

    I’m more grateful to God now. My relatioship ended recently and I am suffering yet, but God shows me every day that the boy wasn’t for me. Unfortunately, he don’t have that characteristics. Thanks for share this!

  • Schylie

    I loved this post. Thank you so much. My brother is in a relationship right now, and I sent this to him. He was floored, absolutely blessed. I’m not in a relationship right now, but I will be looking back at this when I am!

  • Morgan P

    These are good things for me to keep in mind as I go to college next month.


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