conference conference


Ignoring Guys: Spiritual or Just Plain Rude

By: Bethany Beal

A few years ago I attended a Christian singles dinner/conference and noticed a disturbing trend. Guys congregated on one half of the room and the girls socialized on the other. This was a “singles” event and the guys and girls literally were not speaking to one another…minus a few exceptions.

After a few minutes of “guys on one half and girls on the other,” the speaker asked everyone to find a seat. As I sat down at a table, I looked around me and noticed something just plain ridiculous. Nearly every girl attending the conference huddled together and congregated at the same tables. Minus a small handful of brave ones, the girls grouped together like a flock of birds.

The message was clear. There was no room for the guys anywhere near the girls.  

Thinking back on that incident brings to mind a very important topic. A topic that needs to be a addressed. The topic? Guy and girl interactions.

First off, let me just say that I am far from perfect in the area of “guy and girl interactions.” I continue to learn and grow in this area on a regular basis. That being said, let’s get started.

There seems to be a trend amongst conservative Christian single girls.

A trend that sends the message to those around them, “godly girls don’t talk to guys.”

After thinking through this topic I’ve personally concluded that congregating in “girl circles” and/or “ignoring guys,” is just plain rude.

It’s not spiritual and it’s not God honoring.

We as Christian girls need to get over ourselves, our high and mighty attitudes, and our personal insecurities. It’s time for us as young Christian women to start treating the young men around us like valuable human beings.

Let’s take a minute to get rid of the notion that ignoring guys is somehow more spiritual or God honoring.

1. Ignoring guys at church or a social gathering is just plain rude.

Ignoring guys is inconsiderate and immature. It’s a sign of pride, insecurity and/or personal struggles. If you struggle to talk to guys because your heart runs wild, you need to take that issue before the Lord and work that out. Unless you have a really good reason for not speaking to a guy, you should never ignore them.

2. Ignoring guys sends the message that guys are unworthy of being spoken to.

I think each one of us needs a good reminder that guys are valuable human beings made in the image of God. We as Christian girls should acknowledge them and treat them as such.

3. Ignoring guys and huddling in girls groups is just plain wimpy.

We need to build up our courage and face our fears. If you are intimidated by guys, or scared of them, you need to take that fear before the Lord and ask Him to give you the strength to treat the young men around you as brothers in Christ.

4. Ignoring guys is downright selfish.

When we ignore guys we give into our personal feelings and take the easy road out. It’s easy to huddle in girls groups. It’s easy to stick with the people you know. It’s easy to do your own thing and ignore meeting or greeting those you don’t know well. It’s not more spiritual or godly. It’s selfish and immature.

We as Christian girls need a major revamp in our thinking.

We need to learn to interact with young Christian men in a God honoring and pure way. We need to learn to have uplifting and encouraging conversations in a basic friend-to-friend way.

We need to acknowledge that guys are: 1. Made in the image of God. 2. Brothers in Christ. 3. Valuable human beings.

Leslie Ludy describes the situation perfectly.

It’s not more spiritual to act shy and insecure in a conversation with a guy. You can be friendly, outgoing and confident toward any guy you meet. The key is to be God honoring in the way you speak and interact with guys.”

That is the key, to be God honoring in the way you speak and interact with guys.

I would love to see a revival in the Christian community of young women confidently interacting with young men in a pure and God honoring way. I’ve spoken with enough young Christian men (my three brothers included) to know that they feel the same way.

If you are a girl who struggles in this area, I want to encourage you to evaluate your actions.

Why do you huddle with your girlfriends at church or a social function? Why do you ignore guys or act shy around them? Do you think that you are more spiritual by avoiding or ignoring guys?

I would highly encourage you to read, How to Have Godly Friendships with Guys to gain a fresh perspective on this issue.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

Do you think ignoring guys is spiritual or just plain rude? Leave your thoughts in the comments section below.

Photo Credit

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Radical Purity

59 Responses to Ignoring Guys: Spiritual or Just Plain Rude

  1. Funmi says:

    Great food for thought Bethany!

  2. Elisabeth says:

    Ya know me being shy I never really thought about it to much, and Everytime I wasn’t always put my foot in my mouth.But your right I aught have not been so self. Conscious ,and aske God to help me with it.If he gives me any opportunitys in the future I will try to remover not to be to shy, but not to sound to interested while just being friendly.I gotta admit though, in this day an age Zeus are often how to understand comparison to the “princess charming”version of old.Have any tips on how to understand them?

    • GirlDefined says:

      Hey Elisabeth, I’m not sure I understand your question. What exactly were you wanting to know? 🙂

      • Ina Yefimov says:

        I hope you won’t be offended in me trying to explain your question, Elizabeth.
        Bethany, I believe that she meant to ask. “In this day and age, boys are often hard to understand in comparison to the “prince charming” version. Do you have any tips on how to understand them?”

      • Elisabeth says:

        Sorry if that was confusing, but to put it plainly, Every time God has given me an opportunity to be around guys and be a testimony I always put my foot in my mouth.Or I act to shy by ignoring them.I was wondering if you had any tips on how I could show Christ without being to one of the two extremes?Thanks!Sorry for my previous spelling!

  3. Cate says:

    This post really helped to think about the messages I’m sending to the guys! THank you! My girlfriends and I tend to “huddle” whenever we are at youth group. What do you do when the guys don’t want to talk + are super shy? I don’t mean to be rude when I hang out with my all girl group, but I just don’t know how to include the guys….

    • GirlDefined says:

      @Cate Have you made an intentional effort to interact with the guys in a friendly and courteous way? I’ve noticed that when I make an effort to be kind and friendly, the guys respond in a similar way. You should try that next time and see how it goes. 🙂

  4. Annalysa says:

    That is really good. I have a tendency to just talk to girls (unless I feel comfortable in the setting I’m in) just to prevent awkwardness and avoid misinterpretation…thanks for writing this.

  5. Tammy says:

    Hey Bethany, I totally agree with you on these three points: guys are 1. Made in the image of God. 2. Brothers in Christ. 3. Valuable human beings. However I have been to several parties or gathering where everyone has known each other or years and they end up boys on one side girls on the other. So perhaps it’s our natural tendency? On the other hand I know that I personally keep my distance from men because I don’t want to send the wrong message (that I am interested) so that has been something on my heart how to treat guys as brothers in Christ, and to guard my own heart. I feel that we should try to encourage the guys around us and not ignore them, however if we go out of our way to do this don’t you think it sends the wrong message?

    • GirlDefined says:

      @Tammy I can definitely understand what you are saying and I agree that we do need to be careful about flirting and/or singling out a specific guy. I think introducing yourself, saying hello, joining a group with guys in it etc. Is a great way to start a conversation in a pure friend-to-friend way. I think it’s important to check your actions and make sure you aren’t singling out a specific guy or monopolizing his attention. There have been multiple times at group gatherings that I’ve introduced myself to guys, said hello and joined a conversation with no further “messages” being sent. If you say hello to a guy, chat for a few minutes (in a non flirty way), and then move on, there should be no reason for that guy to think you are interested. Just make you aren’t lingering or singling him out continuously 🙂

  6. Elizabeth Williams says:

    I’ve seen so many girls who chase guys or flirt with guys and it is so annoying. And then I’ve seen girls who go the opposite direction and avoid guys like the plague! Neither option is the right one. I think sometimes we honestly have no idea how to have that balance, how to have Godly friendships with guys. I know that I didn’t fully understand this for a long time. I’m finally understanding it now. I realize that I can talk to a guy and interact with him without flirting or suffocating him.

  7. Julie M Walton says:

    I loved this post. As a mother of a beautiful Godly middle school daughter I allow and encourage her to have friends that are boys and girls. I feel some of these thoughts to stay away from boys and not even have Godly friendships with them start in middle school. I am struggling with conflicting parenting styles with other mothers. I am a southern Baptist and I consider myself very conservative. Other conservative mothers of girls the same age as my daughter do not allow or encourage friendships with boys. They even steer clear of church middle school functions that include interaction with both boys and girls. Their daughters are told to stay away from boys. Some of my daughters best friends are boys. I guide her how to manage those friendships. It is not an easy task, because I know these boys would love to be called her boyfriend. It would be easier to tell her to stay away from boys, but I feel this will impact her ability to interact with boys later. She does a great job managing these friendships and their expectations. It was almost taboo when she invited her three best friends that are boys to her 13th birthday party. We had to plan a party theme to include them. We had a Bunko party, which was a hit with this age. I have the belief that they all are brothers and sisters in Christ and they are all growing and learning how to interact together. I feel if you prevent these interactions now, it will impact as they get older how they will interact when they can actually start or want to start dating. My daughter is firm in her faith. She actively holds her guy friends to a higher standard. Please give me some feedback here Bethany and let me know your thoughts on middle school interaction.

    • Jesusfreak17 says:

      Yay thank you for sticking up for guy/girl friendships in middle school. I hung out with the boys myself all through my middle school career. It kept me out of a lot of conflict with other girls. My parents were deposed to it but my mom was worried about it because it wouldn’t be the same for me when I’m a married adult, but I believe that I really needed the experience.

  8. Liz H says:

    YAY, thank you. Loved hearing this!!

  9. Demetrice Palmer says:

    All through middle school-high school some of my best friends were guys, yet my close family aunts, uncles and grandmother often criticized me for it saying that I was simply being “fast” and would end up doing something wrong.
    However my parents encouraged me to be friends with both guys and girls and I agree with you totally, girls need to stop closing themselves off it’s totally fine to interact with boys.

    On Sunday I have friends saying “I’m so tired of being single!!” but they avoid talking to a guy as if he were the plague. Although I am introverted, and still single I have no problem conversing with guys , and sitting at mixed tables, it took a while for me to get that way, but by doing so I got to learn more about myself and I’ve met some of my close friends this way.

    Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, my mom walked past my dad 3 times at the same church over the course of a year and on the 3rd time she stopped and talked to him and year later they were married she said had she kept ignoring him, she’d of never known that he was her God-sent man. Thanks you Bethany for this article it encouraged me and made me check my self here lately.

  10. Hanna Morton says:

    Hello Bethany! I just recently found your blog and I am enjoying it a lot. Thank you for writing amazing, godly articles on the problems we deal and go through.
    I agree with everything you’ve written on this blog post. It’s not edifying or encouraging to the guys if you completely ignore them and act as if they’re not there. I’ve delt with this before in a situation. Now, I have a question. I’ve noticed and heard from other girls that we don’t want to make the guys feel like “you stay in your group of guys” or “I can’t talk or hang out with you because I’m a girl” or “I’m better than you” or etc. But I notice that the girls will hang around them and will talk to them, but they’ll flirt with them. They’re not exactly doing what they say they’re doing. So, I guess my question is: how do we as godly, Christian women rightly divide the line between being just friends and being friendly or being overly friendly and flirty? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

  11. Grace M. says:

    YES! Thank you sooo much for this! I automatically want to be with my girlfriends and not hang out with the guys. When I want to step out and talk to them my friends look at me like I have two heads. Like it’s a bad thing that I want to talk to guys. I feel insecure sometimes talking to guys and a lot of times the easy way out is just ignoring them. There’s nothing wrong with a pure, Godly friendship with a guy. 🙂

  12. Elaine says:

    Totaly agree!!! this has been a struggle and a pet peve of mine for a long time. I really appreciated this part- “We as Christian girls need to get over ourselves, our high and mighty attitudes, and our personal insecurities. It’s time for us as young Christian women to start treating the young men around us like valuable human beings.”

    Thanks you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  13. Tyra says:

    This is an issue that really needs to be addressed. However in my experience it’s more commonly the guys who ignore the girls than the opposite. I went to a christian school and the guys only talked to and hanged out with the “cool” and sporty girls. Whenever I would try to talk to them they would usually basically ignore me. Even now (I’m 19 now) after one of my best friends (who is a “cool and sporty” girl) started dating one of the guys we grew up with and I try to sit down together with my friend and her boyfriend and his friends they still ignore me. And the only things they talk about is stuff like video games and silly youtube videos. I’ve tried to interest myself in those kinds of things even just a little just to be able to talk to them but that doesn’t really help. So now I’ve given up on them. Hopefully I will have better luck with other guys in the future though.

    • AnnaBelle says:

      I relate very much to this scenario more than the others…. Growing up for me was hard I didn’t fit a mould, none of the guys or any of the popular girls ever talked to me and I was ignored or laughed off if I did try to join a conversation, there was also so much unspoken pressure that single girls and guys should never be alone together talking alone was also discouraged and so getting to know guys as a girl was very hard. And now as I have gotten older there is so much pressure on being in a relationship or dating that it’s hard to just relate to a guy as a friend and get to know him as a person with no hiden agendas. In my experience guys are just as much to blame for ignoring girls as girls are for ignoring them. It’s hard to try and talk to a guy when you can sense their uninterest to speak to you or their abrupt dismissal of attempts at conversation.

  14. Anna says:

    I kinda disagree som girls do not feel high and mighty around guys, some are just plain shy and do not know what to do or how to act around guys because of the lack of experience.

  15. Jipner 16 says:

    Okay I am a guy here. I maybe can give a little insight, but I am not the ordinary North American guy. MK (Missionary Kid) all my life. I find that if I try to talk to girls just to be nice or try to get to know their names even they get really awkward. I am not a shy guy nor am I that outgoing annoying type. Maybe I am scary don’t know. I try not to be forward with anyone in particular, but usually I will try to find common ground and ask questions about them not myself. It is a problem I have noticed, but I am trying to play things cool observing stuff as I get used to NA culture.

  16. Guest says:

    I have a question. I’m 16 years old, there is this guy that I used to chat with via text/email. This was about two years ago. We talked and began to like each other and he told me that straight up, we continued talking for a couple more months until I saw that all this was wrong – it wasn’t true love, it was just me wanting a relationship (lust). As of today, he still likes me and shows interest in me. I try to avoid talking to him and him in general. I usually talk to guys like my brothers aim Christ, but I can’t do that with him, because I know he likes me and I don’t think it will lead to something good. I don’t know what to do! Help!

    • Leahcim Nabohc says:

      Well, lust is sin and you must first deal with that between you and God.
      Then you need to figure out if HE is a serious Christian and then clarify with him what his intentions are. If he is serious about getting to know you in order to figure out whether it be God’s will for you 2 to get married, then he should say so. If on the other hand he is also merely looking for a fun time enjoying your company for selfish reasons, you should clearly tell him that you are not interested in such things and from then on you treat him accordingly.
      And above all, talk to your parents about it. They are the authorities over you given by God to look after you and guide you thru these things.

  17. shay says:

    Ignoring anyone without reason is rude, and even with reasons it can still be unjustified rudeness. Shyness can be equated to pride, and we know what God thinks about pride. Women do seem to do this more than men, but Christian men ignore men as well when in groups for various wrong reasons.

    • Jesusfreak17 says:

      I don’t think shyness is equal to pride. Most shy people I know are self conscious and though they isn’t necessarily good that doesn’t mean they’re proud. I think sometimes people can have both but that doesn’t mean they’re exactly equivalent.

  18. Marjo B says:

    Thanks for this post! I am 23 and my elder sisters and I grew up with this mentality; to avoid any appearance of evil we kind of just avoided guys altogether. My main fear was and pretty much still is a fear that the other adults around me will think I’m just trying to find a husband. ;P Which I wouldn’t mind finding, but I wouldn’t do it so…outright. (I prefer to be sought) I’ve just always had a major fear of flirtation! So it was always easier to avoid guys, esp. the ”handsome” ones so that other adults wouldn’t think I was flirting! But your article is encouraging and I will try harder to be friendly (as I want to be anyway!) with everyone!

  19. Thank you so much for this – I definitely needed the reminder and challenge. NOT ignoring guys is something I’ve been working on lately, and seeing this post was actually a surprise. Didn’t know it was a struggle area for others, too!

  20. Grace O says:

    Thank you so much for this post! This has really encouraged me, because to be honest it has only been just in the past few years that I realized I wasn’t treating the guys in my life like my brothers in Christ. And was being just plain rude by ignoring then and pretending I didn’t have to interact with them unless they talked to me first. Now I see that that was very selfish of me. And I have been striving to treat all the young men I know in a God honoring way. Thanks again for the encouragement! 🙂

  21. Margaret says:

    Does this apply to Christian guys only? When I’m in a secular setting, most guys lack character, and being around them usually drags down my faith. It’s even worse in a mixed guys and girls secular setting, because there’s so much flirtatious behavior, and guys who lack character interacting with girls who lack character turns the situation into an ugly mud pool, if you know what I mean. Also, I’ve noticed that some guys (not potential boyfriends, just classmates or people who happen to know me) will act courteous and respectful toward me (is it because they understand I’m from a homeschool culture background?), but when with other girls, they act flirtatiously, laughing, making jokes and talking in a manner that they would never do around me. Can someone help me explain this from a Biblical perspective? I don’t quite understand why this latter issue happens and I don’t accept the world’s “scientific” answers as valid.

    • Rain says:

      I think that this should apply to all men as well. As Christians we should be a light to the world and that shouldn’t stop us from interacting with /all/ types of boys, Christian or not. Your faith should be strong enough to not be dragged down and if that is happening I think you need to look towards God and gain a closer relationship. I’m in a secular setting all the time and you would think that once they realize who you are they would stop but sometimes they don’t. Secular boys and girls don’t have moral examples of how to have a regular conversation with people (I think this is the example you are looking for). You can be an example of that. You can show them that you can have a regular conversation with anyone and it doesn’t have to be inappropriate. It is not that difficult; as a Christian we are supposed to change our surrounds, not other people change it. That’s all I can really say on this matter.

    • Olivia Chambers says:

      Hi, Margaret. 🙂 I know that you asked this a long time ago, but I can totally relate to you on this! I would be cautious about who you would build relationships with because, “Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” 1 Corinthians 15:33. I do not think that this means that we should ignore people though. Just put healthy boundaries with them. I personally don’t hang out with boys or girls who have negative effects on my faith and morals. However, I do pray for them, encourage them when I can, say hi, ect. so that they know that I don’t dislike them, because I don’t . I just can’t become extremely close with them because they may lead me astray or I don’t appreciate flirtatious comments or disrespect.

  22. Trisha Popa says:

    I agree with a lot of this. However some of us girls are just genuinely very shy. I can also say that I have noticed guys doing the same thing. I think this stems from both genders being so aware that they are being watched by those in church. There is an attitude in church, that if you are speaking to someone of the opposite gender, you are either interested in that person, or going to marry them. It sounds extreme, but it is there. There was a time where I made a couple of friends in another church. I have had someone ask me if I am going there so I can look for a guy to marry O.o.

  23. Moriah Mari says:

    So, I have a couple thoughts First I’ve been in the circle where it was just completely out of the questions to talk to guys. I’m not sure if it was considered inappropriate or if it was just an attempt to avoid emotional sin combined with young girls being weird. Either way, from personal experience, I would say AVOID this camp, it’s SO unproductive and gives such a false view of guys and guy-girl relationships. Here’s my questions, when a girl finds herself in a situation where people have a wrong view of guy-girl relationships and thus everyone is congregating in separate groups how does she brake that barrier? Would it be more respectful of those people’s conviction to abide by their social rules in that situation? Thanks!!

  24. Gabrielle says:

    AMEN Sista!!! I whole-heartedly agree!!! Having guy friends are totally awesome!! It’s utterly ridiculous to not interact with them. Staying away from guys says a lot about you.

  25. Elaine says:

    This is true! I have a really hard time talking to guys because 1), I’m shy and they scare me, 2), I fear what they’ll think of me because so many others have told me flat out that I’m “weird”. This article has made me realize this is an issue I have to bring before the Lord. I would really like to talk to guys in a Godly way and I think to do this I have to forget about myself! Thanks so much for this post!

    • Lily says:

      Hi Elaine, I just wanted to mention how you have you really hit it on the nail when it comes to how I feel, act and approach guys and it’s usually through avoidance because I’m timid as well and that doesn’t necessarily mean one is prideful. Also, though I’m glad this post was written because I think I may have a phobia of men and personally, I think this is due to the fact that my dad was never a good role model while I was growing up nor was ever around to parent/ want to spend time with his family. So, my experience with men I see reflects a mentality that men are to be avoided and (as a 19 year old who has never dated at all) having friends with males are so foreign for me and I just feel aloof or out of place around men. But this blog post has opened my eyes and it’s something I definitely need to pray about to become the fearless woman God created me to be including forming godly friendships with males 🙂

      • Elaine says:

        Totally understand where you’re at 🙂 My dad has always had the habit of noticing the tiniest things about people that annoy or irritate him and I think that is where my fear of what men think of me has come from. Funny how we see the whole of the male world through the eyes of what our dad is like? Thankfully, since this post has been shared, I have come to know a very godly pastor. I am going to be assisting his wife in Sunday School soon :). And I think we always have to remember that God is infinitely more loving and perfect than any human father and that what we cannot do, He can. Thanks so much for sharing with me 🙂

        • Lily says:

          And thank-you for sharing with me! I’m glad you’re learning from a godly pastor a good reflection of what a godly male should mirror in order for you to overcome your fear of men 🙂 But of course, our Heavenly Father emulates so far better than any earthly male can due to His perfect, loving & just character as you said. It’s interesting because I have a group project that I’m working on and I’m the only female in my group so I’m also getting a sense that God is moving me to make godly friends outside of my comfort zone with just females. 🙂 & God bless you Elaine!

  26. Tatiana says:

    I really enjoy being friends with guys! I think its insane not to be friends with guys! Thank you for posting this. ( :

  27. Jack Lewis says:

    I am a guy so I don’t know if I am qualified to comment on this, but isn’t

    it irrelevant when talking to people what gender they are? I am quite happy to talk or be friends with a girl if they are a nice person.

  28. Olivia Chambers says:

    First of all, great post! You definitely make a valid point and I do agree that ignoring boys is rude and that building platonic and pure relationships with guys is awesome. I think that there is a lot that girls and boys can learn from each other and can be and should be great friends. 🙂 However, not all guys or girls in church or elsewhere are people that you should build relationships with. There are some places that have people with questionable character and who are disrespectful towards others. I personally don’t try to build relationships with a lot of the guys and some of the girls in particular places because of the disrespect issue. I don’t ignore them, but I don’t hang out with them much either.

  29. michelle gabriel says:

    Could it be that girls huddle together because it’s just natural, they have more things in common, and that is why? Not trying to be rude to guys.

  30. Michael says:

    I though this was an interesting article. As a guy I would say we should be the first have the courage to break this kind of a mold but there are sometimes situations where it seems impossible. I’d say in my life it’s hard enough to find a godly woman as a friend, let alone a wife, so it’s nice when you get a chance to befriend and converse with godly ladies. Of course courtship, I believe, has to start with friendship and that usually has to be initiated by an introduction of some sort, not saying of course that every relationship between girl and guy hast to be exclusive. It’s nice to see this topic being discussed.

  31. Heather Hemsley says:

    First of all, this is a great post. I don’t know why, but every time I see a guy, I automatically shy away. It’s just a natural reaction to me, especially when I am going into my teen years. But really, you are right, Bethany! It’s kinda rude; I’m just ignoring them! I need to bring this before God.

  32. omi says:

    How do I learn to not be so shy and “run” to the girls table… I mean I’ve always struggled with fitting in and not being so self-conscious about what everyone around me is thinking about me. I get so scared they won’t like me that I don’t even try… How do I overcome this?

  33. Sadie Boyett says:

    what do you think about guys that text you and you ignoring them. especially if you know it’s not really just to be friends. this guy has texted hey to me 8 times over 5 days and he won’t seem to stop. we have had interactions before and he has said some stuff that i don’t wanna be apart of at all. what is you thoughts on all of this? anyone is open to respond. thanks.

    • Gracie says:

      Hey ya. 🙂

      If the guy is a jerk on-purpose. Ignoring him might be wise, because interactions won’t benefit you or him, if its fighting. If he was being inappropriate, that is bad. I think ignoring that is a good thing. If the guy likes you, ignoring him may break his heart. If it’s possible, somehow talk to him in person or whichever you choose, and explain some things.

      Prayer is always a good way to see. If you feel like you should be kind, then be kind. Kindness, is revolutionary, esp. today. This world is very cold. If you think God wants you to say nothing, do so 🙂 God Bless Sadie.

  34. Veronica M says:

    I agree with you! Girls need to feel confident enough to talk to guys, even if its just with a simple greeting. I try my best to do this, though it can be pretty tough because I’m shy around a lot of people, particurarly boys. 😛

  35. postwardreamz says:

    Works both ways. Genuine Christian men and women. Not lukewarm…..the ones who Believe, who are active, who are striving to His conformity really just don’t want to offend. They want to be Holy. They want to meet that special person. They really just don’t want to say the “wrong thing” and they, I personally believe just want to honor their fellow sister or brother without looking like they are “trying” to meet someone, even though its natural to do. It’s something the secular world, and lukewarm Christians will not understand.

    I hear over and over, and OVER that “we girls don’t bite, talk to us” and in many cases, they do! I am sure women hear similar things of “be approachable” and whatever. So you ‘be approachable’ and give it a real college try and it just doesn’t seem to work, and guys still ain’t approaching.

    This isn’t a topic that can be solved with “three sure way steps to get him to talk to you / get her to say YES to a date”

    It’s been a problem for decades. The issue and crux facing the church in general right now is the “blame game”. Pastors thunder from the pulpits that “men are not stepping up” and men see divorce, mind games and unhappy married men in their congregations…………

    Women don’t know how to respond or submit…or they are not getting a clear message on how to do this…so they focus on career, missions, and other work because standing around and waiting isn’t working.

    No one seems to be happy.

    It will take time to fix, and it will take that special man or woman who indeed is prayed up and blessed with the proper gifts to have the “right words to say to address fixing this and making it a joy to be around their fellow brothers and sisters…thus making real Christian dating and marriage happen.”

    There are so many causes that brought us to this point, and as an older Christian preppy single…no children and never married……..I have some observations but alas, not the answer everyone wants or is looking for. I am also aware that my time is running out for this. I am in my late forties btw.

    My only fear is that we in Christ will spend the next decade or two “talking” about it, and doing little or nothing to fix it.

    • IOI-675893 says:

      It really doesn’t work both ways in today’s culture…Men are beyond afraid to talk to women because of how harassment has been explained and labeled. At a conference for work that my boss and I were at, we were asked a question to define what harassment was. We were asked if a man told a guy he liked her pants, but she did not take offense, would it be harassment? My boss said, yes, it would be…they said it wouldn’t be…because she didn’t find it offensive…ummm…what? so if she takes offense to a comment, that’s what makes it harassment?

      With a Bible that teaches us to reconcile with fellow believers, while women calling attempts to reconcile “harassment” we are incredibly afraid to interact with women whatsoever. We want to talk to women…but women only want certain types of men to talk to them…if we don’t fit their criterion, they will shove us right out the door…and this is in no way Christlike behavior.

  36. IOI-675893 says:

    Maybe it’s just me, but as soon as I read “Christian singles conference,” I immediately thought how uncomfortable it would be. Maybe some of the girls got roped into it by parents wanting their child to find someone, who knows. Also very possible only one or two girls wanted to give it a shot but didn’t know how they would feel, so invited their friends who didn’t really want to be there. I’ve always been more comfortable approaching girls at regular normal activities, like church, or events that cater to my hobbies, i.e. something with shared interest, and something that doesn’t feel forced. That being said, I can see a case for both sides. I know girls who have had extremely painful and abusive relationships with “church guys,” so it can be hard to trust. It’s also frustrating as a guy, to not even be able to talk to someone you feel could be really worth it. I know one scenario where a girl I liked had a heart for Latin American missions, as I do and I really wanted to get to know her, but their gossipy and klique-like traits basically forbid any conversation beyond a brief hello.

    • inthezonedawg says:

      Nothing is more frustrating than after you told her honestly and respectfully about your intention to want to get to know her more because you have decided that she is the right person for you, and you also told her the reasons why you came to that conclusion, and you received a silent treatment.

      It is the worse and most rudest way to make a point.

      Funny thing is, weeks before I approached her, I was having a conversation with GOD about what should I say to her, and I was pointed to Ephesians 4:15 “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of Him, who is the Head, that is Christ.”

      Seriously though, does she think I’m a seer or a prophet?
      How the heck do I know what’s on her mind, or what she wants if she doesn’t even say anything?
      I waited three days for her response, a clarification or a rejection or something, but nothing.

      So what does the silence mean then? It could be one of these.

      Does she agree with me?
      Does she disagree with me?
      Am I being ignored?
      Am I being rejected?
      Am I being considered?
      Am I being told to wait?
      Am I not worthy of her attention?
      Did I surprise her?
      Is she scared of me?
      Was I being rude?
      Did I cross the line somewhere?
      Did I say something wrong?
      Is there something wrong with my face?

      so on and so forth.

      It would only drive me crazy if I tried to think of the answer.
      Instead, I just told myself I was wrong about her, and I’m moving on.

  37. Zoe Ward says:

    I, for one, am a shy person. Walking right up to guys and starting a conversation is not my forte. I get butterflies and feel like they are judging me. I answer guys and respond with questions, but I don’t start the conversation. What are Christian ways to get over this?

  38. IOI-675893 says:

    If a man wrote this, he’d be labeled as an abuser or harasser.

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