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How Important is Attraction in a Romantic Relationship?

By: Bethany Baird

His brown eyes and curly brown hair were enough to make me swoon. I loved hanging out at the basketball gym. I loved watching my crush play. In my eyes, this guy was drop dead hotness.

I loved everything about him.

His hair, his snapback, his eyes, his skills, and the way he wore baggy athletic shorts and a sweaty t-shirt. He was perfect in my eyes.

Oh, and did I mention that the two of us had never actually spoken?

Yep! That’s right. I was in love (or in like and totally infatuated) with a guy I had never even spoken to. I didn’t know the first thing about his heart, his character, his relationship with God, or the basics of his personality.

I looked. I liked. I crushed. I fantasized. That was my idea of a healthy high school crush.

As the years rolled on, my high school ideas for romance followed me into adulthood. I clearly remember being in my early twenties and viewing “potential husband options” through the lens of physical attraction.

I knew character was a big deal, but attraction was definitely number one on my list.

I wanted to be with a guy who gave me butterflies in my stomach. I wanted to feel ooey-gooey on the inside. I wanted him to take my breath away.

And then my dreams came true. The hottest hunk on the planet started to notice me. He started to pay attention to me. 

This guy was everything I could have hoped for.  

He was super attractive and seemingly godly. Serious win!

Throughout the course of getting to know this handsome dude, God started to do a work in my heart. I began to feel the conviction. Did I really like this guy because of his godly character, or, did I like him for his looks and how he made me feel.

Long story short that quick romantic “fling” ended as quickly as it had started.

In the weeks, months and even years that followed, I began to rethink my priorities. what did I really value in a guy? What type of guy did I really want to marry? Did I value attraction as more important than character?

Thankfully God did some serious refining in my heart and in my mind.

He really changed my perspectives and truly gave me a new set of eyes in the way I view guys.

I’m guessing many of you can relate this topic. You want a guy you feel attracted to, but you also want a guy with character. So, what’s the balance? Is attraction really all that it’s cracked up to be? What should we, as Christian girls, value the most?

Those are great questions!

I want to share a few insights that have really changed my perspectives and helped me answer those questions. My hope is that these little bits of wisdom will help you answer the question, “how important is attraction in a romantic relationship?”

1. Don’t Make a Decision Based Strictly on Infatuation

Way too often we, as Christian girls, view guy’s through the lens of infatuation. The sparks. The Chemistry. The feels. The flutters. That’s what we value most. We want a guy who can give us that special nervous feeling in our stomach.

This is a really unwise way to choose a potential future husband, though. Choosing a guy based solely on how he makes you feel is very foolish. In his book, The Sacred Search, Gary Thomas describes it this way.

“Too many single women overlook some serious character flaws or maybe even an absence of faith. Because their feelings are so strong, they just can’t believe this isn’t a match made in heaven. Rather than honestly explore whether this man is worthy of their trust and worthy to become their kids’ father, they spend their energy trying to explain away his apparent flaws and to make his spiritual maturity seem acceptable to friends and family members.”

Let’s choose to think more long term. Let’s realize that infatuation, at best, will last about 2 years. After it fades, what will the relationship look like? Will the relationship have a better foundation than sparks and feelings? Think long term and ask yourself if there is more to the relationship that ooey-gooey feelings.

2. Make Character the Most Important Quality  

When considering a potential option, look for a man with character. Make that your number one priority. Don’t get caught up in Hollywood’s ideas of feelings based attraction. Don’t base your decision on sparks alone.

Think about 1 Corinthians 13. What kinds of things does God say describe true love? Patience. Kindness. Humility. Not easily angered. Keeps no record of wrongs. The list goes on. Look for a man who values those qualities and actively portrays them in his life. These qualities will make for a strong marriage. These qualities will make for a long and lasting relationship. Choose to value character as more important that initial sparks and attraction.

3. View him The Way God Views him

As Christian girls, we need to turn to God’s Word to see how God views people. Instead of viewing a guy through our human perspective, let’s see how God views Him.

“For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7b

The Lord looks at the heart…Wow. Quite a different perspective. Just remember, physical health and appearance is a ticking time bomb. He will grow old. He will get weak. His health will eventually give out and he will one day die. His health and strength is not a guarantee. You might marry a physically strong man, but what if he loses it? What if something happens and something changes?

If you choose to marry for character, that can’t be taken away from Him. His health may fail, but his heart for the Lord can stand strong even in a weak body.

4. What Kind of Man do You want to Marry?

Think about your life 5, 10, even 20 years down the road. What kind of qualities will you want in a husband and father? Will you care if his muscles are still bulging and the ladies swoon as he walks by? Or, will you want a man who cares about you? Spends time with the kids? Loves his family? Prioritizes God? Invests into other spiritually?

Don’t marry a man based on the idea of being young together. Marry a man who you can imagine yourself growing old with. If you can imagine being old, crusty, and genuinely still very much in love, that is a man worth considering.

So is attraction important?

Yes, of course, it’s important. God clearly designed us to have feelings, emotions, passion and attraction. That is a beautiful and amazing aspect of a romantic relationship. It also seems pretty clear in Song of Solomon that Solomon and his bride were intensely and passionately attracted to one another.

We, as Christian girls, just need to rethink why we’re being attracted to guys and what’s attracting us to them. If character, godliness and a Christ-centered man is important, we will be attracted to that. If a hot body is important, we will be attracted to that.

I challenge you to evaluate what most attracts you to a guy.

Do you value character first and foremost? Why or why not?

When you get fifty years into marriage, what will you value in a man at that time?

PHOTO CREDIT

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  • medlincz

    i think i it is important have Gods guidance,from my personal experience,it is possible to fall in love with someone because of how he looks,but after time find out that you have the problem with his charecter,also this article is important to say.that WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT,WE ARE ATTRACTIDED TO DIFFERRENT MEN,SOMEONE WHO IS ATTRACTIVE TO ME,CAN BE FOR YOU JUST ORDINARY PERSON,THE LOVE CAN START AFTER KNOWING SOMEONE,EVEN WHEN THIS PERSON LOOKS TO YOU ORDINARY,,

  • Celtic Princess

    I’ve known several people who I didn’t see as drop dead gorgeous the first time I met them, but after getting to know them I wondered how I could ever have viewed them as ordinary. While it’s easy to daydream about someone who looks like a model, I have often noticed that the qualities I admire in a guy as I have matured make some guys, who I might have found ordinary before, very attractive. I have been realizing more and more how important it is to marry someone who I respect for their character, not just looks. I’m still growing in that department, but I’m so grateful that (as of now) I still have plenty of time to learn that as a single, before I’m trying to sort it all out in a relationship with my feelings all involved.

    • molly

      Yes!! As I have gotten older I have realized that certain guys that I never would have thought I would find “attractive” have been the ones that once I got to know them and their personality better I truly began to see them differently. It’s amazing how God can change your perspective if you pray and long to see them in a different light than immediate infatuation. <3 praying for you

    • Great thoughts!! 🙂 Thanks for sharing. <3

  • medlincz

    we need to be more like God,look to the heart,and not judge people on how they look,not do harsh jugements,harsh statements,not gossiping people,oh yes i write this to christian girls,(i dont like gossiping(slander) in church),gossping,slander girls are not beautiful

  • Veronica

    Thank you so much for talking about this, I’m a firm believer in looking into a person’s heart and viewing their character as things far more important than considering the looks someones possesses as number one.
    Also it kinda upset me at least, to have so many current YA novels, for example, that focus on infatuation and attraction alone, and call that “love.” A lot of love stories seem to be so shallow, I wish they had more meaning in them. 😛

    • Couldn’t agree more 🙂 -Bethany

      • Veronica

        🙂

        • Reigha Sunshine

          I know. That is one reason why I would just love to write a really good quality YA love story!

          • Veronica

            Ahh yes! I’m writing a YA romance right now on Wattpad, and I’m trying my best to put as much depth into it as I can. 🙂

  • Hannah Loftin

    Thank you so much for this!! Exactly what I needed when I needed it!

  • molly

    This is perfect!! So many wonderful points and exactly what I was needing to hear. <3

  • Elzette van Dyk

    Thanks for writing this. I realised something that I knew but never truly understood. In the same way that I should look for a potential husband by his character, I should know that he will be looking for me in the same way. The right mindset a girl should have shouldn’t be how she can attract a guy but how she can change her character so a godly man will be drawn to her love for Christ.

    Just want to point out, above the 4th heading the words : “that can’t be taken away from him.” The H of “him” shouldn’t be a capital letter.
    Thanks again for writing this!

  • Andrea

    I just want to thank you so much for this piece of writing it really helped me with a situation that I am in right now! Recently a male has shown interest in me but I wasn’t physically attracted to him at all but this has helped!! Thank you so much this piece was an answer to prayer!!!

    • Andrea, that’s awesome! I’m so glad it was helpful 🙂 -Bethany

  • Fern klassen

    Oh my word! I was seriously considering asking/dm-ing Girldefined about this very subject today! Thank you for the wisdom and insight shared!❤️

    • So glad this blog helped you! 🙂 -Bethany

  • Ivy

    These posts about single women and guys has really helped me understand what it means to pursue a relationship that’s godly, and not just about a guy who is swoon worthy (aka every Christian historical novel out there). It’s hard I have to admit liking a guy who not only possesses Christian qualities but also is good looking, and not obsessing about him.

    • Reigha Sunshine

      Right?! The guys in romance books are so perfect its almost gross…. lol

  • Monty

    Hello Ladies!! Such an important topic!! After dating my husband during college and afterwards for a total of 7 wonderful years God gave me the courage and the strength to break it off with the love of my life. I had been magnetically attracted to my nearly perfect (smart, handsome, generous, kind and caring) match. The missing piece? My husband had yet to surrender his life to Christ. Following our heartbreaking breakup my husband came to know the Lord and through a series of events God used our friends and family to bring us back together … stronger than ever. We just celebrated 29 years of marriage last month and while I am still madly in love and wildly attracted to this amazing man of God, the most special thing about him and our life together is how much he loves and serves our Lord, the elderly and the underprivileged in the world. I encourage your readers to put their trust in our faithful Lord. He will reward your obedience and give you the desires of your heart in ways you might never imagine. Praise God!

  • Reigha Sunshine

    Now I have a different situation than the one you described. There is a guy that has fantastic character, and Jesus just gushes out of him, so I love being around him. However, I don’t get any of those funny crushy feelings. I currently decided just to make the best friendship I can and see if anything more grows in God’s timing, but do any of you have advice? 🙂 Love what you’ll do here!

    • medlincz

      ask for wisdom from Father God..,,the situation dont have to change, also I like when it is fire between man and woman,so i understand why you are writing this,

    • Val

      I think you are doing the right thing!
      Dating and marrying a man of noble character is important but there are many of them in this world and, if you are called to marriage, you will marry one of them: a man whose character you will highly respect, but also a man who you will like romantically, not just as a good friend.
      Enjoy your friendship for now and see if something else blossoms from it 🙂

      • Reigha Sunshine

        Thank you so much for the advice and the encouragement!!! I really appreciate it. 🙂 It often feels like there are not many truly on fire Christians out there, but I fully trust that God will lead me where He wants me to go and to who He wants me to meet. 🙂

  • Stephanie

    Quick question for anyone willing to answer. :)…So, I recently switched churces and I met this guy that I REALLY like. He has all the good looks but I’m not exactly sure how his walk with God is going. I know for sure that he is a Christian (because he is at youth group) He told me and my group that he went to Church last Sunday because he had nothing to do. I asked him if he liked going and he said yes, but I wonder if that was his honest answer. I’m unsure of what to do in this situation. 🙁

    • medlincz

      it is important he would love Jesus ,God,you can tell someone who you trust to pray for him,it is better then you alone praying for him,because when you would pray for him yourself,the your relationship for him will be getting stronger ,dont let anyone to get between you Jesus,God(that you would love him(that guy) more then God),,,Gods will is important,if he is the one for you

    • Reigha Sunshine

      Welp, don’t always assume someone’s religion. 🙂 Even if they proudly wear the “Christian label” in youth group around the pretty Christian girls, that doesn’t mean that their heart is chasing God’s desires or even that they have accepted Jesus as their Savior. Pray for his soul and talk to Jesus about your feelings. He can help you treasure them up into a safe treasure chest until the time is right for them to bloom, if that’s in His plan. Speak God’s truth to Him and love him with God’s love. I’ll be praying for you, because I know that can be really hard! I’ll be praying for him too. 🙂

  • Elisse Tirian

    What if you meet a great, godly man who cares about you and who you care about, but who you are in no way sexually attracted to? I know that attraction is not as important as liking what’s in their heart and mind, but how important is it in a relationship? Should you marry someone who you aren’t attracted to?

  • Paz

    Hey girls! I love watching your videos and reading your posts they are always so helpfull and thank you so much for that! I need some advice though..You see, there is a guy at my church who is reallyyyy close to God(the closest I have ever seen someone being),he is humble and loves children! But he is a little too short for me..and based on what the culture says he is not that handsome. In my eyes though he is because I know his inner qualities. However, we have never talked and I don’t know how I could approach him in a Godly way. Please I need your advise.HELP! Oh and I have to mention that he is also the most shy person I have ever seen…


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