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Lost Virginity: Practical Help to Reclaim Your Future

By: Kristen Clark

Jana was new to youth group and seemed to have a built in magnet for every guy who met her. She was pretty, but very quiet, which instantly created intrigue and curiosity in all the guys who saw her.

Her parents weren’t a fan of her having a boyfriend until she was older, so she didn’t take any of the guys too seriously.

Until she met Nate.

Nate was the youth pastor’s son and didn’t flock to her like the rest of the guys.

This created curiosity and intrigue in Jana and she became secretly determined to add his attention to her list.

Within a week they were friends.

Nate wasn’t what most girls would consider attractive, but he had a contagious personality which drew Jana in and captivated her. Jana began dreaming of what it would be like to have Nate for her boyfriend and imagined how exciting going on dates would be.

Not before long, Nate and Jana figured out a secret plan for how to “date” without anyone realizing it. They told their parents they were going out with a group of friends, but would secretly hang out alone.

One lie led to another, one compromise to the next, and within six months Nate and Jana had given away their virginity to one another.

Instantly shocked at what she had done, Jana was too ashamed and embarrased to tell her parents. She cried herself to sleep at night with a million questions running through her mind.

“Am I worth anything now?”
“Can God forgive me?”
“Will a godly man ever want to marry me?”
“Is it possible to have a pure future?”
“How do I recover from this?”

Jana struggled with questions like these and many more.

Have you ever felt like Jana?

We’re continually receiving emails from Christian girls just like Jana and they’re asking the same questions.

We have written many blog posts on the topics of purity and saving sex for marriage (See: Applying God’s Truth to Sex)…but what about the Christian girls who have lost their virginity? What about the girls who are already on the other side of the fence?

What now?

That is exactly what this blog post is here to address.

Whether you’re a single girl who’s given away your virginity, or you’re still a virgin, this blog will be beneficial for you to read. It will also be a great resource to forward to any girl-friends who need hope.

Our culture tells you it’s not a big deal to lose your virginity before marriage, but what they forgot to mention is the fine print.

Whether the culture likes it or not, they do not write the rule book.

God is the author, designer and creator of sex and He wrote the manual. Contrary to popular opinion, He didn’t create it to be thrown around, given away to a boyfriend, or used to fill a void (Genesis 2:24).

God created sex to be used in ONE context and one context alone – marriage (between a man and woman, I might add). Outside of that context, consequences will always follow (Hebrews 13:14). We see that in the thousands of Christian girls (and guys) who are struggling with shame, guilt, depression, insecurities, and fear as a result of “awakening love before its time (Proverbs 5:15).”

If you’re a single girl who has given away your virginity, you will reap some undesired consequences for your sin; but all hope is not lost for your future.

A broken past doesn’t mean a broken future. Like any sin, the Bible offers you freedom and a restored future if you follow God’s plan. By taking the proper steps of confession, repentance, and forgiveness, you can restore your future.

Although you will never regain your virginity, you can regain your hope.

I know of a Christian woman who gave away her virginity as a teen, but then followed the Bible’s steps to freedom and went on to live an abundant life for Christ. She married a pastor and now works in a wonderful Christian ministry.

Praise God that He is in the restoration business!

If you’re a single girl who has given away your virginity and you would like to find hope for your future, doing the following 8 steps is a great place to start.

1. Confess your sin to God.

The very first step to overcoming your past sin is to confess it to God. Pray and sincerely confess your sin to God and verbally acknowledge to Him that you have disobeyed His Word and have sinned against Him.

I also urge you to confess your sin to a parent, godly leader, or trusted mentor. As a young adult, you have most likely disobeyed your parents with your actions, so confessing your sin to them is essential in the process to recovery. James 5:16 says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”

2. Ask God to forgive you.

Once you have confessed your sins, ask God to forgive you. If you are sincere, He promises to give you complete forgiveness. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Did you catch that last part? God IS faithful to cleanse YOU from all unrighteousness. What a hopeful promise!

3. Repent of your sin and change your actions.

Once you openly confess your sins and ask God to forgive you, the next step is to repent. In the Bible, the word repent literally means “to change one’s mind.” You need to consciously change your mind about your view of sex and make sure your beliefs line up with God’s. The Bible also tells us that true repentance will result in a change of actions (Luke 3:8-14; Acts 3:19). From this point on, your actions should reflect a girl who is striving for purity.

4. Get to the root of where you went wrong.

Having sex outside of marriage is usually just a symptom of a much deeper issue. You need to examine your life and ask yourself, “where did I go wrong?”

What was your main problem?

– You were in rebellion?
– Your relationship with God was weak or nonexistent?
– You didn’t understand God’s instructions regarding sex?
– You gave into peer pressure?
– You chose a bad boyfriend?
– You were in a secret relationship?
– You didn’t have moral boundaries in your life?
– You were confused about the meaning of love?
– You wanted to “feel” like someone really loved you?
– A romance novel/movie enticed you to get sexually active?

Did any of the above reasons contribute to where you went wrong? If so, don’t make those same mistakes again. It’s the little things that slowly drive us towards big sins. Get to the root of your problems and attack the core issues head on. Make better decisions in the future so you don’t reap the same consequences.

5. Cut off bad influences.

Whether it’s a bad boyfriend, group of friends, Facebook friends, Snapchat friends, bad movies, bad music, bad books, bad magazines, etc., I highly encourage you to remove yourself from them/it. Nothing will pull you down quicker than bad influences in your life. I realize this might seem extreme to you, but extreme situations call for extreme measures (Matthew 5:29). This is essential for walking in lasting freedom.

6. Create boundaries in your life.

This is a very important step to take. So many well-intentioned girls find themselves in a crazy cycle of making the same big mistakes over and over again. If you sincerely followed steps 1-5, then step 6 is a MUST.

Without boundaries in your life, you’re like a sports coach who doesn’t give his team any directions. Without a game plan and a goal, the players are left to figure things out as they go. This rarely results in a win. Your life works the same way.

With the help of a parent, godly leader, or wise mentor, create a set of boundaries and guidelines that will help you succeed (i.e. I will never be alone with a guy, I will not kiss another guy until marriage, I won’t stay out late on the weekends, etc.).

7. Seek Accountability.

Once you create boundaries, you will need to stick to them to be successful. Flying solo is never a good idea. Ask a godly Christian woman to hold you accountable to your boundaries. Show her your list and schedule follow up phone calls or in person get-togethers on a weekly or monthly basis.

This might be awkward for you at first, but you need to be courageous enough to do whatever it takes to have victory. Walking in freedom from your sin will not be easy at first…that is why an accountability partner is necessary. They will be your “alert” button when you get close to the edge.

8. Fill your mind with truth.

For the past (however many) years you have probably been filling your mind with the world’s messages about love and romance. It’s time to cut off bad those influences and fill your mind with God’s truth. I highly encourage to do a google search on what the Bible says about marriage, purity, and sexuality. Read those verses over and over again.

In addition, I highly encourage you to grab a copy of one, or all of the following books:

If you are serious about finding freedom from your sin of premarital sex, then I can’t urge you enough to take those 8 steps to heart.

Now, I know that every situation is different and some are more complicated than others. So I also encourage you to seek some wise counseling from a godly woman in your area.

The consequences of sex outside of marriage can be very complicated to work through sometimes (pregnancy, disease, broken relationships, etc.) and I can’t address everything in one blog. That is why a wise woman in your local area will be essential in helping you reclaim your future.

As I wrap up this blog I want to leave you with some final, encouraging thoughts.

No matter where you’ve been and what you’ve done in your past, God will forgive you if you ask Him. Your life is broken from sin and so is mine. We all desperately need God to help us everyday.

Satan wants to trap you in feelings of worthlessness, depression, and despair, but don’t get stuck there! You CAN be restored and you CAN walk in freedom from your past sin.

God never gives up on us.

You still have the opportunity to marry a Godly man someday. You still have the opportunity to be used by God in a mighty way. You still have the opportunity to have a pure future from this day forward.

“He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for His own glory” (Isaiah 61:3).

I hope this post has been helpful and encouraging to you! I know this was a heavy topic, but I pray it will give you the hope God promises for your future.

I’m cheering for you girl!

Please interact with me in the comment section below with any additional questions, thoughts or ideas. I’d love to hear from you.

 Photo Credit: Ed Yourdon

Lost Virginity: Help to Reclaim Your Future | GirlDefined


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29 Responses to Lost Virginity: Practical Help to Reclaim Your Future

  1. Mama Baird says:

    What an excellent post! Heavy topic, but so needful! I know it will be helpful and healing for many!

  2. Rodricka says:

    I truly feel this was so helpful. A few days ago I sent you an email and I feel like God placed it in your hearts to share this blog with not just me, but many other girls going through the same issue. I cannot wait to start a pure life that God has called me for. Thank you so much for this post.

    • GirlDefined says:

      Rodricka, we are SO grateful you sent us that email because it was the tipping point for us to write this blog. I pray this post helps you greatly and that your future becomes reclaimed for purity and God’s best for you. Keep seeking truth!

  3. Anna Joy says:

    I think these steps can apply to many areas of moral failure as well. As I was reading, I was convicted of my need to take these steps for restoration and healing regarding all kinds of ways in which I have not honored God.

    • GirlDefined says:

      Hey Anna Joy! Great point. Those 8 steps could definitely be used to find freedom from any sin. Since we’re all sinners, we will be continually seeking God’s forgiveness and restoration in our lives. It’s something we need to do on a regular basis. Thanks for sharing!

  4. Vanessa says:

    Thank you. 🙂

  5. Laura says:

    I just want to say thank you! I’m a brazilian girl and your blog helps me a lot. I’m not fluent in english but I can understand the context and it is very encouraging and edifying to me. I hope God continues using your lives to his glory!

  6. Monique says:

    Thank you, so much, GirlDefined!

  7. Christine says:

    I want you to thank you for posting this. I know this isn’t the situation you wrote this post for, but I found it really helpful for me: I’m a virgin, but I just found out that before he became a Christian, my boyfriend gave his virginity to his high school girlfriend. Reading this gave me hope that we can still have a Godly relationship despite that. Thank you so much for that encouragement.

    • GirlDefined says:

      Christine, so grateful you were encouraged! It’s so amazing to know that God can help us overcome any sin if we follow His plan for confession, forgiveness and repentance. Your boyfriend will never regain his virginity, but he can walk in total purity and save the rest of himself for his future wife. However, since you’re not married yet, I would advise you to find out where his heart is on the issue and if he has dealt with his past sin Biblically. Even though God will forgive us and restore us, some sins cause extra baggage that need to be dealt with.

  8. lb_gilbert says:

    Thank you so much for this. I had been with my boyfriend for no more than 6 months before we both gave up our virginity. Not only were we far from God at that point in our relationship but we had no clue of what was expected in a Godly relationship. Thankfully my boyfriend gave his life to Christ and together we went through all those steps and it feels wonderful to be living how God would want us to! This blog is so important to young girls these days, I don’t know what I would’ve done without learning that there is still hope for a pure renewed relationship for myself and my boyfriend! I hope this blog continues to give strength and encouragement to many other struggling young ladies!! I am blessed to say that Jan. 17th made 3 years and 7 months of being with the man God chose for me!

  9. Charlie says:

    A few years ago my parents sent me to the US to finish high school, going to the US made all the difference in my life cos there was where I got to be closer to God again. Not only did He speak to me but I feel like He showed himself to me several times. Though it was a time of healing it was also when I got broken. I was dating a boy from the USAFA who claimed to be a Christian, after getting violent a few times he raped me. From that day on I didnt know what else to do, I went back home ashamed and afraid not knowing what to do about it or who to talk to. I was so angry with God for letting that happen to me after all the struggles I had been thru to keep my purity. It was like my virtue was stolen from me. I began dating another boy back home but it didnt feel the same anymore, I thought that the only way for him to like me was by sleeping with him. He stopped me right then and told me that it wasnt true, that he loved me for who I was and that he wanted to wait until marriage so if I wanted to be with him I should wait too. We’ve been together for two years and a half now and this post finally made me understand why he said what he said.. Appearently there is still hope, and the only thing to be ashamed of is not seeking His truth ans forgiveness. Thank yall so very much, I guess there is a chance for me to feel whole again.

  10. that1Liana says:

    Absolutely love this!

  11. Sarah Bacon says:

    What a wonderful post! This encouraged me as I walk through engagement with my fiance and also God had it pop up on my Facebook feed as I was in the MIDDLE of writing a post on this myself on my own blog!! Thank you so much for your inspiration and for some good pointers!!!

  12. Kristen Elizabeth Knight says:

    Wonderful post!! Thank you for being honest and most importantly, biblical, in all of your blogs!

  13. Faith Mickels says:

    Thank you for posting these blogs. Even though I am a virgin physically I have given in mentally and reaped several consequences. The Lord warned me several times through godly elders in my life. I read the post about mind virginity and loved it. Thank you for following the Lord and the Word of God!

  14. Felly.. says:

    As encouraging as this was, I can’t help but say that I still feel guilty about what I’ve done. I am still a virgin but I have kissed a few guys. And, I just get so scared thinking about my current relationship because I want it to be forever so bad that I don’t want to end up taking the wrong step. Kissing seemed okay to me before this but now I just feel like it’s misguiding. I need help, GirlDefined.. Help me.

    • Groups Guy says:

      Nothing “wrong” with kissing. Many Christian girls kiss, and go even farther, with the guys they date.
      They’re careful, however, not to lose their Christian innocence in doing “sexual things” with these guys.

  15. bekah says:

    Thank you for writing this. A few days ago, I gave up my virginity and I am so ashamed, so scared, and feel so sad. I’ve grown up in a Christian family and was a committed follower of Jesus up until this year, my junior in high school, I got caught up in the world and one thing led to another and now I did the one thing I promised myself I would never do. I’m so sad, I really need prayer.

  16. Michaela Miller says:

    I read “Mind-Virgin: Saving More Than Just Your Body” and the bottom said “If you have already given away your physical virginity, all hope is not lost! Read this blog post: Lost Virginity: Practical Help to Reclaim Your Future”, so here I am!
    Thank you for this! I am still newer to Girl Defined, but so far I love it! Thank you that this was so informative.
    I am 22, have been married and ruined a relationship (it’s complicated, but aren’t they all?…), got pregnant out of wedlock before even being divorced, and am no longer with my baby’s dad either.
    I was raised in a Christian home, but you couldn’t tell from the way I was choosing to live.
    I committed to being a virgin mentally too, tonight. I will be physically, but I tend to be boy crazy (if that’s the right term for thinking of each guy as the potential “Mr. Right), so the mental part might be more challenging then the physical aspect.
    Thank you for your encouraging posts. Please stay close to God so your posts can continue to come from Him. Love you, girls!

  17. OrangeGirl says:

    I had s3x with my boyfriend of 5 years. I don’t regret it. Virginity is not something to cry over, it’s just a thing. It only has the power you give it.

  18. Cappy says:

    I am not a virgin. And I am totally okay with it. What I did was with someone I loved, and still love. I see no reason to place my value in this.

  19. Agnese Alfieri says:

    Such a wonderful post. I want to remember all girls that God forgive us and throw our sins into the depths of the seas and he forget about them. So after you do what says in this post, you must seek God as you would seek a treasure with all your heart. And then, in his time, you’ll find the man he chooses you to be with. And despite of all sin you had committed, the men God chose to be your husband will understand that you are now a new creation of God and will love you no matter what you’ve done in the past. It’s hard at the begging but God heals everything. I tell you this because it happened to me.

  20. Jean says:

    I’m fighting the battles in mind just awhile ago that made me search about immorality and purity, and the Holy Spirit lead me here.. and wow!

    Thank you very much for such a wonderful, delightful, and encouraging post! The 8 steps are truly directional and helpful! Thank you, GirlDefined. God bless you more! 🙂

  21. Eve Morningstar says:

    lol I’ve never slept with a guy, but I’ve slept with a girl. Advantages of being polysexual: you have a lot more chances for a date on Friday night XD I’m not married, and don’t even plan on getting married (like, ever.) don’t let thousand year old ideals hold you down. God created you the way you are, gay, straight, bi, pan, trans, cis, ace, whatever, embrace it! He wouldn’t have made you like that if He didn’t want to be like that! Lust is a normal thing! Just stay safe! You can’t expect to be able to ‘please your husband’ or any of that bullshit if you’ve never had any experience! Embrace what God has given you now, in this moment! If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with! Life is a gift given only once! Enjoy it!

  22. Amie Lane says:

    “How about I let a 2000 year old book which was written when science and technology were scarce dictate every part of my life!” that seems like a GREAT idea.

  23. married to jesus says:

    You realize rape is a thing, right? Not everyone has the choice to give away or keep their virginity. You’re only adding to how badly people feel when theirs is taken from them by glorifying how much yours means to you and saying how bad everyone else is for being sinful and impure when you don’t even know if it was on their terms.

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