Selfish Single Girls Turn into Selfish Married Women

By: Bethany Baird

I’m twenty-nine years old and still believe the big fat lie.

The lie that keeps single girls discontent and married women unhappy. What is the lie? The big fat lie that I’ve believed is this; My sinful heart will change when my circumstances change.

When my life’s circumstances look different, then I will magically transform into that epic godly woman I’ve always wanted to be.

Somehow Satan has snuck in and dropped a big fat juicy lie directly in many of our laps.

We believe the lie that our sin isn’t really the problem. It can’t be! It must be someone or something else causing us to behave this way. But, not us. We believe that the moment our circumstances change, we will change.

After twenty-nine long years, I’ve finally begun to see what a big fat lie this truly is.

Here’s what’s happened.

A few months ago I started a relationship with an amazing and godly man. All of my little girl dreams were finally coming true. My imperfect self would now magically transform into the perfect godly woman and perfect girlfriend that I’ve always imagined myself to be.

Things went well for awhile. I was able to overcome my selfish thoughts and impatient words with feelings of fondness for my man.

Deep down I hoped selflessness and patience would enter my heart and stay there forever and ever. Maybe this relationship has transformed me into a perfect little angel?!?

Oh, how I wish that were true.

Despite my desires to love this man so patiently and perfectly, my very same sinful heart that I had had before the relationship, began to blare its ugly face in the relationship.

My true selfish self-began to get the best of me.

Patience was running dry. Selflessness began to disappear. I was beginning to recognize my single self in my girlfriend self.

Right then I there I realized what I needed to do. I needed to own up to my sinful heart and take it seriously. I needed to work on sanctifying my heart before the Lord. I needed to get serious about spiritual growth and understand that “holiness” doesn’t just happen. True holiness takes repentance before the lord, meditation on truth, spending time with Jesus and asking Him for help.

Growth hasn’t been instant, but it’s happening.

I’m so thankful to know that God’s Word gives us the answers to true and lasting change. We don’t have to go into our future marriages with our fingers crossed. We can begin working on our sinful hearts right now.

Spiritual growth doesn’t have to wait for marriage.

I love what Phillip Holmes from Desiring God had to say, “Marriage will not instantly change you. It will only expose what was already inside of you.”

When you get married, what do you want to be exposed?

Instead of waiting for marriage to “magically transform you,” begin growing in holiness right now. Take your spiritual growth seriously. Begin reading the Bible, memorizing Scripture, seeking out accountability, actively involving yourself in Church and looking for ways to serve.

You can actually begin that growing process now by pre-ordering a copy of my brand new book, Love Defined: Embracing God’s Vision for Lasting Love and Satisfying Relationships

These verses from Ephesians have been a huge help in guiding my spiritual growth.

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness (Ephesians 4:22-24).

That is a great way to begin growing. It’s basically these three things:

1. Stop acting like you did before you knew Christ.

2. Renew your mind with biblical truth.

3. Begin acting in ways and doing things that are Christ-like.

I want to challenge you to put those steps into action in your own life. Work hard on your spiritual growth. Take advantage of your non-married years and deepen your relationship with God.

When you get married, you will be miles ahead of where you would have been otherwise.

Yes, you will always be a sinner (I’m not saying you will ever have a perfect life or marriage). But don’t neglect spiritual growth because you assume marriage will transform you. It won’t. It will only expose the sin inside.

Okay, unmarried gals.

What lies have you believed about your own selfishness?

How can you put the practical steps from Ephesians into action?


single girl

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  • Anna Kae

    This is so true! I can see this lie in my life, as I am about to head off to college. I expect myself to magically change into a perfect follower of Jesus, once I am out on my own. But that will not happen Thank you for the reminder to daily renew myself, Bethany. God Bless!!!

  • Victoria Alford

    I believe this same lie… I’ve never realized how much I actually believe I will be better once I’m married. I am just beginning a new relationship with a guy, and this helped me see where I am wrong in my heart. Thank you so much for this post. <3

  • Girlady Bouvier

    I like it how you made clear that such expectations come from a place of selfishness, because most lies about relationships do. We believe that marriage will make us happier, holier, more satisfied…it’s always all about us, you see. It all starts with ‘innocent’ statements like ‘I want to find someone to make me happy’, and then we start setting really high expectations on someone as flawed and imperfect as ourselves. I know for a fact that realizing that your partner has put his hopes on happiness and fulfillment on you and your relationship becomes burdening and suffocating. I don’t wanna be this kind of person, I don’t want to make it all about me.

  • Caroline


  • Gaby García

    I loved it. Thanks for writing and letting us grow up with these advices from above. I’ll keep reading your blog, because your messages from YouTube and Instagram have just saved me (thanks Jesus) from a desition of being married with a guy that does not love God. Really thanks for all you do for girls like me. Hope I could share my story with you soon. blessings from Mexico city.

  • Angela Chumley

    Marriage does not make you happy, but marriage SHOULD make us to desire to want to depend on Christ more and more. Getting married, or any other huge moment in our life should not determine our faithfulness. Only through Salvation are we to feel that joy within us. Only by Jesus are we able to pursue Him more along with the ways of Him. Myself, being married definitely makes me rely on the Lord more and that is exactly what He desires of us is to depend on Him in and with EVERYTHING. Marriage would not be marriage without our Father. Thus, through this covenant He is showing us in whom He is coming back for, His BRIDE. His true church. And yes, selflessness is a BIG part of that! Let’s be ready! Our hearts, minds, and souls-ready to meet our Husbandman who will soon return for His Bride! Let’s be faithful in all things including our relationship with our spouse whom he has so graciously given us to show selflessness to!

  • Chelsea Ejimakor

    Thanks Bethany. I believe that we should all be involved in Church activities and read our bible everyday . This will help to transform our lives into bring a better girlfriend, sister, mother. I recommend Read Scripture app. It helps me read the bible every day. I knew about the App from Bethany Baird when she posted a blog about it. Thanks again, Bethany.

  • Ana Maria Paula

    I realized that pretty late, at the age of 27. My happiness depended on the people I liked, I dated, I courted with and the dream of the “happily ever after”. I was always unsatisfied and never really happy. Then I focused on myself, found joy in life and… realized maybe marriage is not my vocation after all, unless God has a different plan for me!

    The moment you become joyful and content with your own life, you look at men in a different way. Wiser, more cautiously. You look for someone who will cherish that happiness and joy you have, not destroy it. Someone simple and with a good heart, who won’t make your life more complicated and won’t fill it with drama and unnecessary obligations .

    Which is rare. Until then, I shall guard my freedom.

  • CanYouHearMeNow

    Do not believe the big lie of fat. Mediterranean diets kill, and low-fat diets kill faster. Stop acting like you used to, act the way you do now. If you don’t, you’ll never have the chance to cross your fingers in future marriages.

    The mental image of Satan sneaking in and dropping his big fat juicy lie in Bethany’s lap is way too mature for this blog. I don’t know, maybe Bethany’s imagination ran away with her. She’s probably having a hard time waiting for “Dav” to fulfill her Special Purpose. She wants people to think of her as an “epic godly woman”. Bethany, when you get married, what do you want to be exposed? What do you want “Dav” to expose? If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you need to see a shrink.

  • Chlo

    After being in a relationship with my high school sweetheart for the last 6 years, I’ve struggled with selfishness (and impatience, etc) a lot. I began reading the Bible for the first time last summer, but barely got through the beginning before college started up again. I lost touch with what I had begun to explore in Christianity, and now I feel I have stopped “trying” in the relationship again. I want to be more selfless, more Christ-like, a better future wife. We are very close to getting engaged and I’d like to be better for this wonderful man of mine.

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