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Was Being a Virgin on my Wedding Night Awkward?

By: Bethany Beal

I was a thirty-year-old virgin on my wedding night.

That isn’t a shock to any of you who’ve followed my story. In fact, many of you sent me emails and DM’s before I got married asking me if I was nervous about the wedding night. I responded to your questions through a blog post titled: Am I Nervous About the Wedding Night?

Today I want to answer the dozens of e-mails and DM’s I’ve received since getting married. It seems like most of you want to know if being a virgin on my wedding night was awkward.

Was I excited or terrified about the wedding night??

I’m going to answer as honestly as possible. My hope is that some of your fears and concerns about the wedding night can ease up a bit through my story. I’m not a “sex expert” in any way. I’ve been married for 6 months. I’m not a “pro.” (Whatever a “pro” even is…)

First off, I want to start by saying this.

Who says you have to have sex on your wedding night?  

Sex is so much more than a wedding night experience. The pressure others put on newlyweds is ridiculous! For crying out loud. Let’s give newlyweds a break. They have their entire lives to enjoy sex. There is no reason to feel pressured into doing everything the first night. If a couple is tired from the entire day (they just had the biggest day of their lives!) they should feel the freedom to relax and go to sleep.

There are NO rules for the wedding night!

I personally think newlyweds would enjoy the honeymoon SO much more if they took the pressure off of themselves. That’s exactly Dav and I did. Yes, we were freaking excited for the honeymoon and excited to enjoy sex together. But, we didn’t allow others expectations of what that should look like to rob us of our journey and experience.

We did what was fun for us and comfortable for us. We didn’t force ourselves to follow some “timeline.” We honestly just had a blast enjoying each other and exploring the sweet newness of our marriage.

Talk about super hot and romantic!

I think that there’s nothing sexier than two newlywed lovers enjoying and exploring sexual intimacy in the context of marriage. God totally knew what He was doing when He reserved sex for marriage. Talk about ROMANTIC for the newlywed couples.

I can tell you this for sure. Being a virgin on my wedding night was not awkward. It was the opposite. It was sweet, new, different, exciting, and filled with all the butterflies a stomach can hold. Does that mean Dav and I had sex on our first night of marriage? Maybe we did and maybe we didn’t. That’s not really the point anyway.

Here’s something important to consider.

Sex within marriage should be the most non-awkward experience ever. Yes, it will be new, different, exciting, thrilling, clumsy, funny, and a total learning experience. But, it’s with the man who has entered into a covenant with you and has committed to loving you with all of his life for the rest of his life.

This isn’t some one-night-stand-cheap-thrill.

This isn’t with some dude who’s committed NOTHING to you! This isn’t with some boyfriend who could leave you for a better “experience” or hotter body.

This is your husband. The man who has given up all other potential options and has chosen you. He wants you. He desires you. He’s committed to God to love you like Christ loves the church.

That should be the most beautiful, safe, and secure place to enjoy sexual intimacy for the very first time.

If you want to know how I gained this mindset and went into my wedding night excited for the honeymoon, here’s what I did.

I studied God’s incredible design for sex and sexuality.

In fact, I was writing Sex, Purity, and the Longing’s of a Girl’s Heart while I was dating and engaged. Writing this book forced me to dig deep into good books, blogs, sermons, and teachings on biblical sexuality. That was the best prep for my honeymoon.

I would encourage every new bride to study God’s design for sex and sexuality. Grab a copy of Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl’s Heart if you want to gain a biblical understanding for this area of your life.

Find a godly mentor.

This was HUGE for me!!! I found several women who were able to help me emotionally, mentally, and even physically prepare to be a new bride. Their wisdom and guidance were priceless.

Okay, I’ll stop there.

I would LOVE to answer your questions though. Please feel free to comment below with your most pressing questions. I’d love to interact with you and help you overcome your fears in this area.

PS We’re giving away a big bundle of FREEBIES to anyone who pre-orders Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl’s Heart by April 29th. Don’t miss this amazing bonus package. For more details, click here.

Dav and Bethy

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36 Responses to Was Being a Virgin on my Wedding Night Awkward?

  1. Abigail Amoah says:

    What really stood out to me was when you said: “This is your husband. The man who has given up all other potential options and has chosen you. He wants you. He desires you. He’s committed to God to love you like Christ loves the church.” God has used this to help me realise how this should not be super overwhelming because you are with someone who is committed, knowing you won’t be judged but instead there is trust and true love.

  2. Ellie says:

    I guess what scares me is that I will never be beautiful or good enough for any serious Christian guy to like me. Sure doesn’t stop me from having secret crushes… 🙁

    • Paige says:

      Hi Ellie,

      I get where you’re coming from, because I’ve struggled with the same thoughts. But I have good news. A guy that’s being transformed by the Holy Spirit knows that a) looks aren’t everything (Pro. 31:30), and b) there is no “perfect” girl out there, but there ARE girls that are covered by the blood of Jesus, and who are being conformed into His image (Rom 8:29). And that, my friend, is truly beautiful. Trust the Lord to handle this area of your future. Believe me, it’s impossible (and totally stressful) to try to handle it yourself!

      Love in Christ,

      Paige

      • Ann says:

        AMEN! Love your reply Page!!!♥ So true!

        also, for Ellie: I sometimes struggle with the same thought of not being good enough for a serious christian guy, but really that thought should only be pushing us to have an even closer relationship with Jesus so that we can be “serious christian girls”

        And don’t forget to ask the Lord to help you with your struggles; I do, and He always helps me. Sometimes He doesn’t answer my prayers right away, (probably to test my faith) But He always hears me.

        Nahum 1:7 (KJV)
        The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him.

        Hope this helps too…

  3. Shanae B says:

    Thanks for continuing to speak about these things in a God honoring way! People just don’t understand what real commitment is anymore. The day and time a marriage is consummated is really no one’s business, I see what crass minded people comment and can only imagine what kind of emails and messages they’ve sent you in regards to this. Thanks for staying strong in the Lord through all of this!

  4. Suzanne says:

    Thanks for the post Bethany! Question: what was the best advice anyone gave you before you had sexual intimacy with Dave about sexual intimacy?

  5. Suzanne says:

    Also, a fear I have is that, there really don’t seem to be that many strong hard-core young Christian men out there. I have very high standards for a husband. And there are men out there who say they are Christian and love God but I can’t see it in his actions and the way he lives, and when I get to know the young “Christian” man, I realize he just did and said the right things to manipulate me so he could use my body if I let him (I didn’t let him). So, how do you know a young man who says he is a Christian and loves God could be a potential future husband without letting your heart attach to him while trying to get to know him?

    • Ann says:

      I Have the same question.
      I mean, I know that if the Lord wants me to get married He will bring a true born-again christian man into my life, but how do you not get too attached while trying to make sure that he is truly saved first?

    • Luise says:

      Hi! I can definitely relate, I used to share the same opinon. All the ‘good ones’ seemed to be taken. I’m engaged to a wonderful god fearing man now whom I’d known for about 3 years before I even considered him. I think we all have this box for some men titled ‘god-fearing but not for me’. And the reason they’re ‘not for me’ is usually looks, maybe a silly character trait, quirkyness… My financé was certainly in that box for me and it felt like God suddenly opened my eyes to his heart rather than superficial things that I felt prevented me from being attracted to him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying high standards are wrong or you should be with someone you’re not attracted to. Just make sure those standards are based on biblical things. Often, attraction folllows when you come to learn more about someones heart. My soon-to-be husband is so attractive to me now (he can still be a bit quirky but that’s him and he has such a beautiful heart)!!!
      And as for when to know if he’s sincere: watch him serve in church, hear him pray, pay attention to how he treats his family.. does he do most things with ulterior motives and for himself or is he trying to be a selfless servant of christ?
      These men are out there 🙂 Continue to pray and be patient. God bless you!!

      • Suzanne says:

        Hi Lusie! Thanks for the response! It helped! Most of my standards are biblically based. I am getting to know a young man right now, but I am trying not to attach my heart to him yet because I did that with another young man and was hurt. Now, yes I do have a few “silly” character/personality traits I want in a young man, but those are at the “bottom of my list” you could say and I haven’t seen those in the young man I am getting to know right now yet, but we have only been talking for 2 months so far. Anyways, thank you for your response and reminder to keep standards biblically based! Congratulations on being engaged! Hope your marriage is blessed! 🙂

    • Miriah Fredo says:

      Suzanne,
      Oh hunny, how my heart goes out to you. My biggest piece of advice to you, is bathe everything in so much prayer. If you are truly seeking your Father He will not lead you astray. About 2 years ago, I was you. I had been hurt by a man who said he loved God, he served in my church (that’s how we met) , and, well, he was a good lair. He was manipulative and emotionally abusive, and only wanted my body. He was good at pretending he didn’t, so I thank God for His wisdom and protection. When I broke it off with this man, I was broken, scared, and with the added burden of being hurt by my own father, I never thought I would trust a man again.
      I had walls built up so high, to protect my heart, or so I thought, that my now husband almost didn’t make it in. But he was oh so patient and kind. (Funny how those are two of the characteristics of love, right?) I’ll be honest with you, when I first met my now husband, he didn’t look like what I thought he needed to. There were a few things on my list that he didn’t meet. Yet when I prayed about him, against all of my own thoughts, God was telling me yes. So I obeyed. I realized, this man isn’t perfect, he is a work in progress, just like I am. If I compared myself to my own list, would I meet the standard. Nope. So if God was telling me yes, who was I to tell him no? It hasn’t always been easy. Relationships are hard. But girl, I can promise you, that this man was God’s gift to me. We’ve now been married for almost 6 months, and I thank God all the time, that my husband broke down my walls, because I can’t imagine life without him.
      So I get it, it’s so very scary. Standards are necessary, but walls are not. It’s not your job to protect your heart, turn it over to Jesus and let Him protect you. Pray and listen, and when He says walk, just walk, even if it terrify’s you. Your Heavenly Father loves you so much, and He has someone out there who He will give you to display that love to you as well.

    • Resa says:

      Dear Suzanne,

      I agree to many points that Miriah Fredo stated so elaborately. Also, take your time to get to know someone: there’s no need to rush into a relationship. In my opinion, it’s absolutely okay to ease into a dating relationship and to take some months before you call them your boyfriend. Take into consideration not only what he says to you, but also his environment: what others say about him is huge, especially those who have known him for a longer time. Take note of how he treats others, how he approaches work and servitude.
      I know it can take a while but just try to find out if the man is ready to be a responsible, honorable man or not. Boys take longer than girls to grow up.
      Look up Galatians 5,22-23, the fruits of the spirit, and 1. Korinthians 13,4-7. Keep coming back to these verses and compare the qualities stated there to the man in question. It was an eye-opener to me.
      Try to not let any outward properties blind you, but instead measure his character and actions against what God says we should do.

      • Suzanne says:

        Great advice Resa!! Thanks so much!!! I am taking it slow with this young man I am getting to know now. I have to remind myself constantly to take my time and be patient. Patience is very hard for me at times, especially in relationships. But, in the verses you gave me, it says “love is patient”. Thanks again for the help. – Suzanne

  6. Sophia says:

    I mean, I lost my virginity in my mid-teens, and not only was it awkward, it was incredibly scary because I simply was not ready. I imagine being 30 and married to someone you know well makes the first time less intimidating and much more trusting.

  7. Jennifer says:

    I absolutely love this; this blog makes me feel so much better. My fiance and I have been together since we were both 15 (we’re now turning 20 this year, time flies!) and we’ve both saved ourselves for marriage. We’re getting married in two years and there’s a big part of me that is so scared that it’ll be awkward or weird. This totally put my mind at ease.

  8. Better then no one says:

    Struggling big time with some stuff would love and appreciate prayer.

    • Grace says:

      Praying for you. Whatever it is you’re struggling with I pray you would find security in Christ and fix your eyes on Him! ❤️

      • Better then no one says:

        Thank you Grace, that’s exactly what I need! If only hearts weren’t so easy to hurt..

  9. Ann says:

    I just need to Keep my focus on Jesus and let Him run my life! And to Be humble!

    James 4:10 (KJV)
    Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.

    One other thing, I also struggle with feeling like if I do get married I’m not going to know what I’m doing & I’m going to Be really clumsy on my wedding night.

    So many thoughts that I struggle with.
    Has anyone else had any or all of these thoughts/struggles, where it’s like half of you is thinking rationally and the other half of you is thinking irrationally, The spirit & the flesh waging war against each other ?

    I would really appreciate some feedback.♥ Because I kinda feel like I’m the only one with these particular struggles.
    Thanks in advance!!!!!♥♥♥♥♥

    • Ann says:

      This wasn’t the full comment, the website just wouldn’t let me post the rest of it, I think it was too long

    • Better then no one says:

      Same here need feedback… your not the only one. Of course there might be an age difference ; ) sadly I feel like because I’m younger (supposed to some people) that I don’t applie.

    • Suzanne says:

      Hi Ann! You are not the only one that struggles in this area of thinking rationally and irrationally. My spirit and flesh wage war a lot considering this topic. I have struggled for about 10 years now and am finally getting free! I don’t exactly know what to do about it except take it to the Lord in prayer, find out what He says about it in the Bible, and find a godly mentor that you trust to share your concerns and someone who will come along side you to pray for you and encourage you. I have found those things help! Hope this was helpful to you and remember you are not the only one who struggles and God does want you to be free from the struggle!!!!! Stay strong! – Suzanne

  10. Hadassah Morales says:

    Wow, this is really good. I’m only 14, but this is a really good resource for when I am old enough to like, date, and/or get married. Though, now that I think about it, this comment isn’t really related is it? oops… 🙂

  11. Melissa Iris says:

    I’m 32 and a virgin, getting married in November to my fiancé who is also a virgin and 40. I don’t know about him… but i am terrified.

  12. “This is your husband. The man who has given up all other potential options and has chosen you. He wants you. He desires you.”
    This can be said about almost any marriage, no matter how many sexual partners either person has had. It is not the exclusive province of virgins.

  13. Ibette says:

    Such a beautiful post, thank you for sharing! this puts my mind almost at ease but there is a little voice in my head saying that I will not make it, there are very few godly man out there who understand this point of view, how do I know that after all the wait, they are not expecting something I cannot give right away, something that other girls with more experience can. What if it isn’t my husband’s first time too and he does not believe in God, does that make him less suitable for me? these questions sometimes hunt me, and I get scared that maybe im masking to much of someone…

    • Suzanne says:

      Hi Ibette!
      I get what you are talking about when you say “there are very few godly men out there who understand this point of view.” I honestly believe that a true God-fearing, God-serving, young man will understand and not expect you to give something you don’t want to give until marriage. They will value your body and value purity, and in that honor you , God, and your wishes. They will respect you for wanting to save yourself for marriage.

      Now, if your husband or the man you are going to marry isn’t a virgin, that is something you have to decide personally for yourself along with God. How long has it been since he had intimacy with someone? Did he realize it was wrong, confess, and repent? Is he now choosing to honor and value purity? Is he committed to waiting until marriage now? Can you forgive him? Is this something hindering your relationship? Those are questions you have to ask yourself and evaluate what the answers are and ask God about it. Talk to God and get wise counselors to help you in that.

      And lastly, if the young man is an unbeliever himself, I wouldn’t continue or have a relationship with him, because it tells us specifically in the Bible “do not be unevenly yoked.” In other Words, “don’t be connected to an unbeliever”, because they will more likely pull you down to their level instead of you pulling them up to your level. You want a young man who is a leader and is a man who is living out what God has called men to be. You want someone who is stronger and more in depth with his relationship with the Lord, so that he can challenge you to become all that God has asked you to be. So, yes, an unbeliever is not suitable to a true strong Christian believer.

      Don’t ever be afraid your standards are too high! That is why so many relationships are falling apart because Christians have lowered the standard. Stay Strong! Strive for that high standard! And believe that God has someone amazing out there who will live up to and surpass that standard of Christian living (serving, living, loving, praying, just like Jesus)! Don’t rush! Take your time! God is good and He knows just what you need before you even know what you need.

      I hope this helped!

      In Christ –
      Suzanne

      • Ibette says:

        Oh Suzanne! thank you for taking the time to answer my message, i value everything you said, it made y heart happy and peaceful, and for that I thank you.

        • Suzanne says:

          You are so welcome! Glad you are peaceful and happy! God has taught me a lot lately about guys and guy relationships because I have gone through experience, and I love to share that with other young women! Be blessed! Stay strong in the Lord! Trust in Him!

          In Christ –
          Suzanne

  14. Erika says:

    The picture of you and Dāv is soooo cute Bethany!!


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