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When Guy-Talk Becomes a Regular Obsession

By: Liz Wickham

I sat on the sand in a knee-to-knee circle with my three closest girlfriends. As southern California locals, every summer Friday found us at the beach with a group of families.  Beach days were the best…cool ocean, sizzling sun, sand talks, and snacks in abundance. 

“We need to talk about something. I think we chat about guys too much.”

My friend Grace was the quieter one in our circle, so she caught our immediate attention with her blunt statement. Like typical teenage girls, we loved to chat about our friends.  Especially our guy friends. 

Even though we were Christian girls who had chosen to intentionally not date in high school, guys and romance were still very interesting. Conversations that centered around the drama of who-likes-who, dissecting the personalities of our guy friends, swapping anecdotes of the latest interesting moment with a boy…the entire topic excited our feminine minds above all else.

Grace observed that our conversational focus was becoming a little too absorbed in guys. 

Truly wanting to worship God with our minds and hearts, we felt convicted and came up with an amusing awareness plan to help monitor future conversations (more on this later).

If you’re an unmarried gal desiring to spend her single years being poured out for God, I encourage you to check your heart. Is your focus distracted by an ever-flowing stream of guy-talk? Or are you energetically pursuing an abundant life in Christ?

You may be thinking, what’s the big deal? Why shouldn’t I talk about guys?  It’s fun! After all, everyone is doing it!  Isn’t it normal? It is true that, as women, God wired us with an innate relational aptitude. This makes us especially prone to nurture, encourage, talk, and be interested in the closest of all earthly relationships: marriage.  

While it is good to desire romance and marriage, God knows how imperative it is for His daughters to pursue and worship Him above our relational status.

The unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit… I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.  1 Corinthians 7:34-35

God wants our devoted attention and worship. Not only is He holy and worthy, but He also knows that we can only be ultimately satisfied in Him. He doesn’t want to “restrain” us, but to encourage us to focus our minds appropriately for our current reality. He’s saying that there is a proper, “good order” to different phases of life and the type of mental attention that each demands.

The Lord Jesus Christ also says that whatever comes out of our mouths directly reflects the contents of our hearts (Luke 6:45). So this begs the question…with what is our heart filled? Cute guys and the latest romantic gossip? Or do we overflow with zeal for our loving Father?

Looking back now, the solution that my friends and I agreed upon was hilarious.

We came up with with a “timer remedy.” We would not exceed a certain amount of guy-talk time on the clock. We literally hit stop and start on a timer for ourselves when the topic of guys would inevitably circle around.  

While the timer remedy was a bit impractical and childish, it definitely exposed the frequency level of our guy talks. It caused us to reevaluate our hearts, especially in light of our season in life (high school) and who we ultimately wanted to become: strong women of God.

That being said, you may be wondering “Is it ever ok to talk about guys?”

Lest we become lost in legalism, I am not about to show up on your doorstep with a timer in hand! God designed intentional dating and marriage to be a very good chapter in life to anticipate and enjoy. It is only fitting for us as young women to discuss and prepare for that season.  

So what should we talk about? Here are some tips to help balance this area:  

  • Since a Christ-centered marriage is the ultimate goal of romance, talk about godly character qualities that you admire in your brothers in Christ.  
  • Instead of drooling over a cute guy with your friends, challenge each other to thank God for physical attraction and save up your sexual desire for marriage.
  • Instead of constantly chatting about who-likes-who, start praying with your friends for your future husbands.  
  • Talk about a guy you may be noticing with your family or trusted mentors. Practice the habit of having those conversations so that you can easily glean wisdom when you’re in a serious relationship.
  • Talk about how to be uplifting friends to the guys in your life.
  • Talk about what you’re looking for in a future husband and why.

Let’s chat in the comment section below!

  • Are you distracted by perpetual guy convos?
  • What is coming out of the overflow of your heart?
  • How can we thirst for closer intimacy with Christ? 

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20 Responses to When Guy-Talk Becomes a Regular Obsession

  1. Clara says:

    Wow, thank you so much, Liz, for this timely reminder. It’s so easy and fun to fall into that habit and I’ve been noticing myself doing it recently. For a long time I felt like I didn’t have close, godly friends who I could just talk to. Now I do, and it’s wonderful. But we definitely could be more intentional about what we talk about. 🙂

  2. john says:

    Ezekiel 16:26 You engaged in prostitution with the Egyptians, your neighbors with large genitals, and aroused my anger with your increasing promiscuity.

    • Sea Star says:

      “A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment, was following Jesus. When they seized him, he fled naked, leaving his garment behind.” Mark 14:51-52

      • John says:

        27 So I stretched out my hand against you and reduced your territory; I gave you over to the greed of your enemies, the daughters of the Philistines, who were shocked by your lewd conduct. 28 You engaged in prostitution with the Assyrians too, because you were insatiable; and even after that, you still were not satisfied. 29 Then you increased your promiscuity to include Babylonia,[c] a land of merchants, but even with this you were not satisfied.

        30 “‘I am filled with fury against you, declares the Sovereign Lord, when you do all these things, acting like a brazen prostitute! 31 When you built your mounds at every street corner and made your lofty shrines in every public square, you were unlike a prostitute, because you scorned payment.

        Ezekiel 16 New International Version (NIV)

  3. hannah says:

    Thanks for this post. I find myself talking about guys more than God alot. and have to rethink my topic chosie

  4. Sea Star says:

    I was one of those girls wondering why all the girls were always talking about boys…but not because I wasn’t thinking about them. Because I am too private a person to want to share my feelings about that one guy. Lol. So no, I am not distracted by guy convos, and the overflow of my heart speaks of God and religious and philosophical analyses of what is in my world and all the cool things I’m learning/have learned about and funny things that happened/were said that day. But I do get the struggle, and would like to add that for me, victory comes most clearly when I am saturating my life in Scripture. Try reading the Bible in a month – or 10 chapters in a day – or a Gospel in a week – or a different NT epistle each day – etc. You just may be surprised how much more you thirst for Christ and grow in awe of our God!! He grows so big that little problems like “does he like me?” Become so much smaller. 🙂

    • Sandra Christy says:

      This is so true I have been trying to spend more time on reading the word of God its so interesting and reassuring. The more you read it like what you said the less you care about petty issues and the more you will get a stronger understanding of God. The other reason why topics about boys might keep on being the dominant onces is maybe because our friends not have the same goals as we have of doing things the way that will please our Father. Im not trying to say that they do not believe in God but just that they are not very cautious about trying to follow his word.

  5. Bianca says:

    My friends and I certainly could’ve benefited from that list, it looks great!

  6. Mai says:

    I really appreciate the tips on how/when you can/should talk about guys. When I was convicted about my approach toward guys, I went to the extreme of never mentioning guys at all, never complimenting them (to themselves or others), and NEVER saying anything to others or them that might hint that I was interested in their potential as a future husband! I learned after a while, though, that it’s the heart that counts. If I’m rattling on about a guy because it’s fun and I just want to gush for a while, my heart’s not in the right place. If I’m taking my thoughts and desires before God and my parents about the Godly men in my life that I’ve noticed, with the intention of gaining wise counsel and keeping my emotions in check, I’m on the right track. I learned that – in moderation and with discretion as to WHO you share your guy-thoughts with (for me: my parents and my very CLOSEST female Christian mentors) – we can talk about guys in a God-honoring way.

  7. Loren says:

    my friends talk about guys all the time and i find it really distracting, though I myself try not to be consume by it. I don’t talk about guys in that way, so when my friends want to know about what guy I’m interested in, I say very little. Then they exaggerate what I say and tell me I should “make a move” while I’m committed to not dating during highschool and not obsessing about guys. I mean, I feel bad about gossiping about the little things guys do. I have one friend who’s really godly and we’ve been bff’s for forever (lol), so I’ve been tallking with her and subtly trying to convince her that we don’t need to talk about guys all the time. We usually don’t anymore, but the other girls I know can’t stop!

  8. Abigail Mae Carpenter says:

    My relationship with God has definitely grown stronger, but I still struggle with my mind turning to guys and relationships more often than it should. I mean who can blame me after being single for 27 years (I am 27 btw). I definitely find myself talking about my singleness and desire to have a boyfriend with my friends, but this blog opened my eyes more to what I should be focusing on with my praise and relationship with Christ. I have developed a new mantra for when I start to think about guys too much and start to have “fear-based” thoughts about relationships. I just repeat to myself “God will provide” to calm myself down when I start to get upset or down about not having any potential boyfriends in sight. It is still very difficult to not think about because I do have a desire to marry one day, but I know if I develop good Godly friendships with my sisters in Christ and in my family and hold the truth in His word close to my heart. I have faith that I will one day.

    • Loren says:

      Your hero will come, Abigail! A true man of God, a man of great faith and compassion. Thanks for the inspiration.

  9. Pastelion says:

    really. you’re telling girls to just talk about god pretty much? God starting to sound like a bigass narcissist if you ask me.

    • MarquettePatterson says:

      That’s not what’s being said here at all! There are plenty of edifying topics outside of only discussing God. And even occasional talk of guys is okay; there’s nothing inherently wrong or evil about it. However: there are plenty of other things one can talk about! She does suggest some things in this article, but even outside of that, you can discuss, books, things you’ve learned, anything! While God is important, He’s not the “only thing a Christian girl can talk about.” No, He gave us minds and emotions and abilities, and to talk about things related to everything that we deal with and learn is important to Him. There just has to be a balance of everything. If you talk about books too much (I’ve done this), think about —why— you’re doing that. It’s not so much a matter of what it is as why. And only talking about God and the Bible is not the solution to fixing problems in your heart.

  10. Esther Roos says:

    I am probably one of the most guy crazy girls i know. . . I love your points, but does that mean we cant talk about how guys are cute at all? I’m just trying to understand where you’re coming from. Like, I’m totally convicted. I find myself talking and obsessing about boys too much, but is it bad to talk about them like other people do, just not as much?

  11. Nelli Savchenko says:

    Wow! Thank you! It has been a struggle for me too!!! I totally notice myself talking about boys alot, but i am working on it. Also, how do you nicely mention to someone that you see is struggling in this area of their life? You don’t want to sound mean, but in a way it gets really annoying!?

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