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Why Chasing Boys Didn’t Make Me Happy

By: Kristen Clark

I went through one of the hardest trials in my life when I was twenty years old. I was one week away from being engaged when everything suddenly ended. I never saw the ring and my “almost” husband exited my life forever.

As hard as that season was for me, God was graciously sparing me from entering into a marriage that wouldn’t have been good (and a few years later I married Zack! Hallelujah!).

The full story is too long to share right now, but I remember feeling a distinct void in my life right after that heart-wrenching breakup.

Instead of turning wholeheartedly to God to fill my void, I sought attention from other guys.

There was an ache in my heart and I didn’t like the feeling. I tried to mask it by building friendships with guys and hoping my “real” prince charming would show up soon.

Instead of pursuing a relationship with my King, I chased after relationships with boys. 

That was a huge mistake. 

Instead of trusting God for the timing of romance in my life, I tried to force things. I took matters into my own hands and placed guys above God. I wasn’t seeking God’s wisdom for my life, but was basing my decisions on my feelings. The more I pursued boys, the further and further I grew away from my King. 

It wasn’t until a while later that I learned a very hard, but important lesson.

Boys can’t satisfy me. Only God can.

We live in a culture that romanticizes everything (just think of chick flicks) and encourages us to chase after guys. We’re taught that it’s normal to obsess about guys and make them the central focus of our lives. We’re told that it’s okay to bounce from one guy to the next, hoping to discover true love. We’re taught that it’s fine to allow our emotions to direct our thinking and choices. 

As popular as these messages are, they’re wrong, and extremely damaging to us as women.

We were created to be fully satisfied by one man alone. Jesus. No earthly relationship, no matter how romantic, can fully satisfy us. I’ve been married to my amazing husband, Zack, for over 6 years now, and even that beautiful relationship isn’t enough to fully satisfy me.

Guys can’t satisfy us. Only our relationship with Jesus can meet our deepest needs. 

I had to learn this lesson the hard way. Thankfully, God helped me see the light before I wasted too much time.

You see, when you pursue guys above your King, you get everything backwards.

You lose sight of wisdom, sound judgment, stable emotions, and truth. You begin listening to your heart more than God’s Word. You begin worrying and obsessing instead of praying. You become discontent and impatient rather than resting in God’s timing.

It’s not until you flip-flop back and place Christ first in your life, that everything flows right again.

When Christ is most important in your life, you will become prayerful, peaceful, content, happy, joy-filled, and excited about life — regardless of whether or not a guy is on the horizon.

I love the advice Leslie Ludy gives, “Until Jesus Christ is the obsession of your heart, you’ll always be looking to mere men to meet your needs that only He can fill. Only when you make Jesus Christ your first love, will you be ready for a love story that reflects His glory.”

Until your King becomes the priority of your life, you won’t be ready for an earthly prince.

If you want to prepare for marriage, this is the BEST thing you can possibly do.

I know it’s hard. And I know the struggle is real. But I can’t encourage you enough to pursue Jesus with all your heart, and leave your love life up to God.

And you know what? This is true when you’re single, and it’s true when you’re married. Even now, I have to intentionally pursue my relationship with God first before my relationship with Zack. When I get that backwards, my marriage has a lot of struggles.

How about you right now?

Are you busy pursuing your King, or are you chasing after fleeting romances with guys?

I’d love to hear from you below. 

  • In what ways do you struggle with chasing after guys, instead of running to Christ?

For more on this topic, check out some of our other posts:

When Girls Chase Boys They Don’t Get What They Want

5 Strategies for Living With Purpose as a Single Girl

How to Have God Honoring Friendships With Guys

Photo Credit

Guy and girl

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  • thehappygirl

    I went through a breakup recently. I realized that I had been pursuing my prince before my King. I put all of my energy into this young man, and put little to no effort into my relationship with God. Probably the main reason things didn’t work out! Thank God He helped me see how wrong I was to put anything before Him. It’s been a few months since the split, but I am honestly more joyful and happy now than I was before. I’m pursuing God first. Like Matthew 6:33 (KJV) says, ” But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”

  • Rae

    I read a quote recently; something along the lines of “a girl should be so wrapped up in who Christ is that any guy should have to seek and find Him to find her.” I just thought that was really beautiful.

    • Sandra

      Wow! That one really is beautiful!

  • Sandra

    So true! Thank you for sharing.

    I would love to have a relationship, but found out I first have to completly trust the Lord, before He probably will lead me to my soulmate. And I think that, when I completly trust Him and my future husband loves and trusts the Lord, too, things also will be easier and you will always place God first – even in a marriage.

  • Jasmine Luna

    Last night, I was reading a book called “Before You Meet Prince Charming” by Sarah Mally. (I highly recommend it!) In that particular chapter, she was talking about everything you mentioned here. I love when God re-confirms things!

    • Leisha

      Oh my goodness that book!!!! I agree with Jasmine Luna!!! It’s a good book:)

  • Jesusfreak17

    How do we become more obsessed with Christ instead of guys or whatever other worldly things are rattling around in our brains?

  • Leanne

    Wow, Kristen, thanks for sharing! I know Bethany has talked about her breakup before on the blog, but I never knew you went through one too. Question, though. You mentioned in a previous post (a long time ago) that you met Zack for the first time when you were 19 and started a relationship at 21. So was this in an in-between period that something else happened?

    But if you don’t want to answer, I completely understand!

  • Tiffany Wright

    Hi, GirlDefined! While I don’t chase guys per see, I fall hopelessly in love all the time. Yet my crushes almost always end up breaking my heart in one way or another. Recently out of desperation I prayed that God would take all this pain away. But when you say to turn to God for everlasting fulfillment, how exactly do I do that? -Tiffany

    • Rebecca

      Hi, Tiffany!

      I know what you mean; my younger sister is the same way. She is what we call a “hopeless romantic”. When I used to be attracted to random Christian guys, I found that I was mostly attracted to either their looks or their kindness to other people. If I found that I was more strongly attracted to this person, I kind of dug deeper to really watch what this guy was like in other ways i.e. his other personal character traits, and his walk with the Lord. I’d just casually listen while he talked with other people and older men. Many times, he was not all that i had thought him to be.
      His walk with the Lord is a key factor and I found that the more that I scrutinized a crush’s character traits, the more I fell in love with my Lord. He was showing me that only one can be perfect, and that one and only cannot be found on earthly terms. Jesus is my eternal prince charming and no guy will ever take that kind of a special place in my heart.
      Hope this helps a little, Tiffany! I’ll be praying for you. I know that if you are meant to be married, your perfect man will be lead to you. Wait on the Lord’s timing, and give him the pen to your life.

  • Harmony Coward

    hey, Kristen and Bethany! So, it’s strange that you posted a blog post about going through a break up today cause over the past year I’ve been going through my first one ever. Me and this person were together for two years (they were a little bit older than me. i’m 19 now and they just turned 22), and then we didn’t talk at all for a year or if we did it was very little. When I realized it was a long time since we talked I sent them a really long emotional text message about the dreams I have for our future and how I still want to be together even if we’re just friends, but after they read it (I’m honestly not sure if they even read it) they blocked me from everywhere, officially ending the relationship without speaking a word. We broke up a year ago, but I’m still hurting from losing them and i’m not sure what to do. I really want to move on, but I still have this string that’s keeping me attached to them. I know moving on and healing and being happy is the smart choose here, but I don’t know what to do. I’ve been prayer about this a lot but I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. What advice do you girls have for me? thank you girls for taking the time for reading this 🙂

    • Claudia Gonzalez

      Hi Harmony,

      I just read your post and I can totally relate to it. I have never had a boyfriend, but I think I was about to with a guy. I liked him a lot, I even started to fall in love. However, let me tell you that God is perfect because everytime I was with him or about to kiss him I felt something wrong down in my stomach. Later on, not knowing and trusting the real God I started to pray for that relationship because I really wanted him. God showed me little by little that he was NOT FOR ME; He even kept me awake some nights so that I could pray. God also spoke to my grandmother about it telling her that he was not for me and that his intentions were not good. Apart from hearing from everywhere that we were not meant for each other (he is not christian btw), my heart kept wanting him in secret. It was a nightmare because it was my choice and like the scripture says, the heart is deceitful above all things and no one can understand it only the Lord. I started to chase him because of what I felt, and I belive it was God the one that made him run away from me. At the end this guy broke my heart in a terrible way, and I cried several days. The pain was so horrible that I decided that I wanted to move on because I didn´t deserve what he did to me. I went to church with my heart in pieces just to find God. In this church the pastors gave a word and said that the Lord wanted to heal broken hearts. I took that promise and made it mine, people prayed for me as I cried, and cried. I felt God´s presence in me the Saint Spirit taking away everything and healing my heart. I can assure you that afterwards I felt no pain, not even when I saw him again. Until now that we are friends I feel nothing, because I asked God to block away every feeling due to my weakness. So I tell you is part your desicion, don´t look for him it is clear that he is not your person. Surrender your thoughts, emotions, feelings, and heart to the Lord because he knows you better. He will make you stronger keep praying asking God to break any kind of bond that you have for him. Once you recieve your deliverance you will feel free and strong enough to not look for him again.

      Regards,
      Claudia

  • Ashley Otwell

    My greatest struggle is daily surrendering my heart to Christ. I have this bad habit of a wandering heart because I’m constantly looking for my future husband in the next corner. I have read devotion after devotion of this very topic, yet it is still so hard for me to truly let Christ consume and satisfy my heart. My prayer for so long has been “God let us find each other because we’re so focused on You, that only You can put us together.” Which is exactly what you’re saying. Until I am only pursuing the King, I’m not ready for my earthly prince. Thank you so much for your weekly wisdom. It truly helps and encourages me when I read y’alls posts and watch y’alls videos.

    • Kelly

      Girl, I struggle with this too. Something that has helped me a ton when I start thinking consuming thoughts of “Is he the one?” “Could he be my future husband?” about any guy I meet (or don’t meet) I start praying, asking for a clean heart and mind, I also pray for my future husband. If my mind starts to wander and focus more on guys than God then I pray for patience to waiting on God’s timing. I know it is hard, but pray for your future husband instead of fantasizing about him. I will be praying for you Ashley, that we would stay strong in our walk and look to Him to satisfy us! 🙂

      – Kelly xoxo

  • Maddie

    What does it look like to put God over everything else in your life? I try and I pray for it but I do not feel that satisfaction you are all talking about… also how do you love God? I know he loves us unconditionally, but without seeing that I have a hard time understanding what that truly means and genuinely feeling that. I want to Love him so much too but I am struggling with knowing how to love him and feel that love for him In a raw and real way.

    • Grace

      I have definitely struggled with this before as well! Spend time reading the Bible and praying every day. Ask God what He wants you to do that day, like maybe there’s a girl sitting all alone you could talk to, or maybe your sister or mom or friend needs encouragement or comfort. Opening our eyes to opportunities to love others is a huge way we can grow our love for God. Also, worship Him alone in your room, whether through song or just praying to Him. Reflect on how awesome it is that Jesus paid the full price for your sins—He did everything for you! I realized just this week how important it is to just accept that grace and to be in awe of it. You don’t need to earn it or deserve it. 1 John 1:9 says that if we confess our sins He will forgive us… That isn’t just a one time thing, that’s every time we realize we have sinned! Telling God we’re sorry and accepting His endless forgiveness clears the way for you to have a unhindered relationship with Him. God loves you and wants you to rest in His love. Once you choose to completely trust that He loves you, you will find you naturally love Him back. God bless you! I’ll be praying for you, sister in Christ!

    • Claudia Gonzalez

      Hi Maddie,

      My name is Claudia and I understand your confusement. To answer your first question, you put God above everything praying and asking Him to show you the way in your desisions. Also, serve God; you know what he wants from us as belivers; to show the world that He is real by our way of living, and to save the people who don´t know Him. Ask God to show you your gifts in the Spirit and in life. So, to answer your second question I would say that you just do, but you can ask God to make you hungry and thirsty for His presence. Once you experience the feeling of His presence, and that He has touched you with the Holy Spirit is like you become addicted to Him. It is such an amazing feeling, where you don´t care about anything else but Him. You want to serve Him, talk to everyone about Him, praise Him everyday, read the scripture and most importanly get to know Him in real life as a living God. Like the one He is; healing supernaturally, healing broken hearted, setting captives free, showing you signs and wonders that no one else knows and so much more!

      I hope it helped, I will pray for you,

      Regards,
      Claudia.

    • Leah

      I literally feel the same way. I want to feel content and satisfied with God, and I feel like the more I get to know God, and talk to him, the more content and satisfied I feel with having a relationship with him. I know God loves me unconditionally, and like you I’m struggling with knowing how to love and serve him in the way he deserves.

  • Rochelle Lima

    Hii!! I do struggle with trying to get guys attention to try to fullfill something that only God and He alone can do to my soul. It is a constant battle between what my heart wants for the moment and my solid beliefs in Christ. This article was so encouraging, thanks for sharing!

  • Soray

    I’ve been running after Christ lately because of that same reason we can read in this post; i was so into chasing guys and i got tired of it. It doesn’t mean i no longer struggle, because sometimes i found myself flirting with guys or thinking about one too much, but when i do i try to remember to myself this: “I trust you Lord, my life is in Your hands”.

  • Grace

    Thank you for this, this was perfect timing. My boyfriend (He’s a Christian) and I have been in a serious relationship and overtime God really made it clear to me that I needed to break it off…I just did a few days ago, and I have been so heartbroken. But God is showing me more and more that I just need to get closer and closer to Him, and to fully be satisfied in His love for me because He is the only one who will never ever change. Thank you so much for this post <3

  • Joy

    Thanks for your work and care. I read your book and its great. I’m growing up and I am quite different from most girls my age. I have never had a boyfriend or anything like that. I live in a large Christian family. My lifelong dream is to become happily married,the right way and have many children.
    I have never had any temptations of this sort and Only God knows the future. I am not perfect in other ways, but in this way I am. I want to be a great influence to my friends and acquaintances.
    Just a note to those who struggle. It IS possible to live pure and modest for The Lord!!!!

    • Shanae B

      I grew up in a very similar situation as you! It’s hard to be different then the other girls in this area, yet totally worth it! I’m in my late twenties now and don’t regret it! Even when people would down talk me because I chose Gods way. Cling to God and be watchful those temptations will come at some point. I’m glad that you desire to be a great godly influence! Keep it up! 🙂

  • Aisha Malone-Wheaton

    This was a great article. I’m 20 now and I’ve never been in a real relationship. I’ve never gotten to the point where we were a couple. As of now I’m talking to this guy who I want to grow with and I noticed that I was replacing him with God. I told myself I was not going to do that anymore because I need to love God more than I love him. And I told him he should love God more than he loves me. It’s that fleshly desire that makes me want to replace God with a man but that shouldn’t be the case. It also comes down to idols. People can be idols in your life and I didn’t think about that until I noticed I would rather call him or text him than doing my devotion. For a while too I knew I should be spending more time with God than with him and instead of acknowleding that would do what I want. I’m doing better at it now because God has to be the focal point of my life.. And since I want to grow with him I even told him when he wants to text/call me he should read his Bible instead. I’m unsure if that’s a good approach or not.


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