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Why Christian Girls Need to Rethink the Flirting Game

By: Bethany Beal

I was in sixth grade and knew exactly how to work it. Every girl at church camp liked the same guy and I was determined to get his attention.

He was cute. He was popular. I wanted nothing less than for him to like me.

I wasn’t interested in a relationship or anything serious (I was only 12 years old) I just liked the way I felt when I captured his attention.

I remember the situation like it was yesterday.

We were playing knockout (a basketball game) on the camp sports court. I made my shot and then went to lure my prey. I ran over towards him with my flirty face ready to go and grabbed the green bandana from around his neck.

Was I cool or what?!? I now had “Mr. Popular Boy’s” bandana and we were in a steal and chase game.

Naturally he started chasing after me trying to get his bandana back or to steal mine. He was laughing, I was smiling and life felt good.

That is until I left camp, made it home and needed more attention.

Mr. Popular was gone and I was back at ground zero. Life was boring and I needed another boy to make me feel good.

The flirting continues.

I wish I could tell you that my flirting started and stopped with me being 12 years old, but that’s just simply not true. My days of flirting really continued until I graduated from high school and started thinking seriously about guys and romance.

If I were left to myself I would most likely still be the “Flirting Queen.”

Thankfully God didn’t leave me to myself. Due to the incredible insight and wisdom of my parents and close friends, I was finally able to see the truth about flirting.

I’m definitely not perfect (just ask my sisters) and continue to grow and learn every day, but I am grateful to say that I’ve come a long way in this area.

Do you enjoy flirting?

If you (like me) are a “flirting queen” or just enjoy a good flirt here and there, this post is for you. Even if you’ve never flirted a day in your life keep reading.

As silly as that little story I just told sounds, it brings out a great point.

Think this through with me. In my personal experience, flirting typically has one person in mind – ME! I’m flirting to make ME feel good, to make ME look popular, to give ME something to brag about.

When I think back on my flirting moments (which I am not proud of), I have to confess that each of one them was very self-focused.

In the moment I was truly only concerned about one person, me.

As embarrassing as this is to confess, I really did flirt because I liked what I got out of it. I liked the attention I got from guys and it was an easy way to give myself an ego boost. I enjoyed having guys like me and I liked have someone to think about.

With that being said, I want to share my current take on flirting and why I’m no longer striving to be the flirting queen.

Here is a quick dictionary definition of the word flirting:

According to the Merriam-Webster, flirting is to:

1. behave without serious intent. 2. To show superficial or casual interest or liking. The word is also synonymous with the word trifle, which means something of little value.

According to that definition, flirting doesn’t sound very thoughtful or loving.

It sounds pretty…well…selfish. When I stop and evaluate flirting with that definition in mind, I realize how selfish my days of flirting really were. They were without serious intent and were totally superficial and casual.

I wasn’t concerned about building the guy up as my brother in Christ. I wasn’t concerned about his heart and protecting him. I wasn’t concerned about pointing his eyes towards Christ. Nope, not at all. I was truly only concerned about one thing, me.

Giving up on the flirting game.

As I thought through this topic, I kept coming back to one verse. It really clinched my heart. Check it out:

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4).

My flirting has always been totally selfish. It’s not been with the guys in mind but with me in mind.

Now that I am a grown Christian woman who understands God’s Word and understands that I am a daughter of the King of the Universe, I can’t continue on in ignorance.

That verse says to do nothing from selfish ambition. I’m pretty sure that “do nothing from selfish ambition” would include flirting.

Why do you flirt?

Okay, enough of my confessions and flirting stories. I want to focus on you. Ask yourself this simple question: why do you flirt?

Be honest with yourself. Think back to a time when you have flirted and ask yourself why you did it. What’s going on in your mind and in your heart when you’ve flirted with a guy?

  • Was your goal to build him up in Christ or was it to pull his attention and affections towards you?
  • Were you concerned about his feelings and his heart? Or, were you concerned about making yourself feel good?
  • What happened when the flirting moment was over? Did you find lasting satisfaction from that moment?
  • Can you honestly say that God was glorified from the different times you flirted?
  • How does Philippians 2:3-4 match up with your excuses for flirting?

I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments section on the topic of flirting. How did your answers turn out to those questions? Be honest!


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16 Responses to Why Christian Girls Need to Rethink the Flirting Game

  1. Brittany says:

    I’m usually too nervous to flirt. . .lol but when I think of being flirty, it’s only to get him to like me. So yes, his feelings would be a big deal to me. In fact way more than mine in that moment. But truthfully it would be to get him to see me as a (here comes pathetic) beautiful captivating. . .special girl of his dreams.

    So regardless of a not-so-bad intention it still is pretty self centered. I think flirting is crummy, but a well meant compliment builds character in you and in him.

    In most of my wishful thinking about boys or attempts to get one to notice me. . .God disappears in my mind. I know it’s true but boys have became a MAJOR idol. I have to remind myself that Jesus is not replaceable. . .and the POINT OF LIFE! Life goes on without guys. . .and I could be single for the rest of my life and be okay, (in spite of my strong desire for marriage) but. . .if I ignore Jesus. . .for one day I feel rotten.

    • Naomi says:

      Same here – too shy, yet still somehow self-centered. And I totally agree with you! Missing my time with Jesus makes me feel so depressed. I am addicted to Jesus (which is probably a good thing).
      Thanks, Bethany for the post!

  2. Jazzy4Grace says:

    Very well written post. I’ve always kind of been aware of my leniency to flirting since i was young, so since then i’ve been making it a point to be sure not to flirt with the guys out of self respect, respect for them, and respect for God. I mean, i still find myself flirting now and again, because it is so easy to, but i quickly chide myself.

    To be completely honest, i feel like most people would read majority of interaction amongst young people “flirting” though. Like, teasing? It’s not always flirtatious, and yet when other people (older people) see that, they automatically think they’re flirting. But I know first hand that when guys tease me, it’s literally just to tease me, and i know it not because they’re flirting with me. So when i react, i don’t become all serious and like totally turn them off for fear of flirting with them. I just respond in a way that’s fun but not over-the-top and stepping into the flirting zone. Does that make any sense? Like, I know that’s not what you’re saying, but sometimes when people read posts like these it kind of makes things more complicated than it has to be when youre figuring out whether you’re flirting or not. Like can we have fun with guys without flirting? Yes! But all of a sudden, idk of what i do is flirting or not…….

    Obviously, i agree with y’all, it’s just the thing that i would suggest is adding simple stuff that would make things less complicated in figuring out if girls are flirting or just having fun. Because you can have fun without it being called flirting.

    Just my two cents.

  3. Annie says:

    Ridiculously relatable, and slightly terrifying that something so normal in our modern culture is so selfish, unloving, and ultimately dishonoring to God. I really liked the section that talked about flirting bringing no lasting satisfaction. Such an excellent reminder!

  4. Kristin Martin says:

    I love your site and I agree that these risks do go along with flirting but I have to disagree somewhat.

    I am not a natural flirt at all and I’ve had to learn the art of flirting. A few weeks ago I realized that flirting is really about making someone feel good about themself. No flirting works without it. I’m starting to wonder if in my years of absolutely no flirtation with the guys in my life if I didnt fail them a little. I didnt tell them when I thought they were handsome or smart or holy. My actions did nothing to affirm or encourage their masculinity or affection. Have I failed to affirm them as I should?

    For example, the guy with the green bandana probably felt fantastic to have a girl paying attention to him. He got a boost out of it.

    I think perhaps we’re conflating the initial process of making a connection with the trickery and manipulation and flakiness that often follows. I’ll only flirt to the level I’m interested. I’m constantly weighing his feelings and reacting accordingly. If things start to become dishonest for me then I back off.

    Just my not very well developed two cents.

    • Brittany says:

      Compliment=honest well meaning words to be kind.
      Flirt=saying something to get someone to like you…

      Those are the averages in my opinion. So just compliment 🙂 and if he likes you…that’s a bonus

      • Jazzy4Grace says:

        I totally get what @disqus_jz4jKVbUe7:disqus is saying, and I agree what you’re saying. I’d have to add, while complimenting isn’t wrong, we need to be careful when we do. I’ve complimented a lot of guys, and then it turns out they think I like them (when I don’t) so I’d just be mindful that guys read things differently. :))

        • Brittany says:

          True. I was meaning if you were trying to let a guy know you’re interested but I didn’t think about it that way.

  5. Dalia says:

    WoW! This sounds like someone I used to know!! …me
    As I was reading this, it sounded like I was telling the story. Thanks for sharing 🙂

  6. Caitlin says:

    I see so many people like this at school, I learned this lesson early on, so I’m a lucky gal. I’m just waiting patiently right now. I’m only 12, so I don’t need a guy right now.

  7. Lexi says:

    I recently came out of struggling with this myself. There was one boy in particular that I would always flirt with for some reason. Honestly I knew what I was doing was wrong and it wasn’t glorifying God. That boy also flirted with me back so I think that’s what made it worse. We both knew it was going nowhere and all it did was distract me from the will of God. I actually watched one of the Girl Defined YouTube videos about us girls encouraging Godly manhood. It really helped with me being able to step back and reevaluate what I was doing.

  8. Crystal Haarsma says:

    Hi Kristen and Bethany!
    So I have something (kind of personal) that I want to ask you about. I tried to find an article/blog post but there was nothing directly answering my question(s) I went under “Contact” and it said “If you have any questions click “Here” So I clicked a few times and nothing came up….is there an email you could give me? Thanks SO much!

  9. Schylie says:

    I’m generally pretty quiet and reserved, so I don’t put myself out there and flirt for the most part. But the first time I remember flirting–it’s a funny story. It was at church. I really liked my brother’s friend. While they were talking, I was standing around and trying to get this boy’s attention. It wasn’t working. He was very interested in whatever he was talking about with my brother. Well, it happened to be Mother’s Day and the girls in our church were handing out roses to the moms. So I took one and twirled it around, smelled it, played with it…trying to get this boy’s attention. It didn’t work. I finally through away the rose and walked off. Later on, I realized that I was flirting and felt disgusted and terrible. I guess I kinda got scared of myself and have tried to be very careful since.

  10. Rebecca says:

    i am struggling with this and i have a husband. this article was extremely helpful. sisters, please pray for me so that God can be glorified through me.

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