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Why Having Sex with your Boyfriend Isn’t a True Expression of Love

By: Kristen Clark

I read a story about a Christian girl who was in a serious relationship with her boyfriend. They both thought that saving sex for marriage would be a good idea.

As the months stretched on and their relationship progressed, the boyfriend started dreaming out loud about how awesome sex would be “one day.” They both grew so comfortable chatting and dreaming about sex, that before long, they crossed the line.

“We love each other!” She said, justifying their actions. “And there’s nothing wrong with showing our love in this way.”

Love. The million dollar word. Our definition of the word “love” will either make or break our relationships. It will either strengthen or destroy our future marriages. It will either push us towards selflessness or feed our selfish desires.

The girl in the story above developed her own definition for love.

And before long, her personal definition told her it was “loving” to sleep with her boyfriend.

And you know what? A lot of people would have agree with her.

“You’re in love? Well then of course you can have sex!”

“Sex is a normal part of every dating relationship.”

“As long as you love each other, you can do whatever you want in bed.”

These are common thoughts and ideas that we hear from the culture.

Today, sex and love have become one and the same thing. If you “love” your boyfriend you should express your love through sex. Right?

I’ll admit, this line of thinking sounds kind of convincing from the outside. Especially because sex is such a beautiful and intimate thing.

It only makes sense that sex would be our natural expression with the one we love.

And that is precisely where the sneaky lie creeps in. That is exactly where Satan deceives us. Right on the fringe of truth. 

This is where our understanding of God’s Word becomes critical. If we aren’t standing on the solid foundation of God’s truth (Psalm 1), we will be easily blown over. Partial truths will quickly deceive us.

Yes, having sex with your boyfriend sounds good, but a quick look at God’s Word will reveal how wrong this thinking is.

First, the Bible reveals to us that God is the designer and creator of sex and love (Genesis 1:27-28, 2:24). Sex and love are gifts from God. Secondly, as the Creator, God is the only one with the authority to tell us what love is, and how sex should be used.

Let’s talk about God’s design for sex first.

From the beginning of creation in Genesis 1 to the end of the New Testament, we see God’s design and parameters for sex. The Bible reveals to us over and over again the importance of sex being enjoyed in marriage only.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled.” (Hebrews 13:4).

God designed sex for marriage only. No ifs, ands or buts.

Sex is an expression of love within the marriage covenant.

Outside of this covenant, it is not considered an expression of love, but an outworking of lust (Gal. 5:19, 2 Tim. 2:22, Eph. 5:3, etc).

And to make sure we understand this correctly, God gave us dozens of peeks inside the lives of individuals who blatantly disobeyed His design…and with passion. (think of Judah, David, Amnon, etc). These examples clearly show us that “passion” doesn’t equate to true love.

God’s Word paints a clear picture…

Sex before marriage isn’t an expression of love, but an expression of selfishness.

On the contrary, true love as defined by God’s word is the furthest thing from disobedience. It’s the furthest thing from selfishness. It’s the furthest thing from impurity.

Let’s do a quick flyby of the Bible and see how God defines true love:

True Love Is…

  • Honorable (1 Pet. 2:17)
  • Pure (Phil. 4:8)
  • Self-Controlled (1 Thess. 4:4-5)
  • Patient (Gal. 6:9)
  • Others Focused (John 15:12)
  • Longsighted (Heb. 12:1-2)
  • Faithful (Prov. 3:3-4)
  • Restrained (1 Thess. 4:3)

God’s definition for love makes it pretty clear that sleeping with your boyfriend isn’t a true expression of love.

Having a solid understanding (i.e. sound doctrine) of God’s definition for love, sex, and marriage is crucial. Why? Because it will affect the way you live. It will affect your behavior.

What you believe to be true will drive your actions.

When you understand God’s Word and His good design, you will be equipped to honor Him more fully with your life. And as a result, you will experience even greater joy and pleasure.

“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:11

For more on this topic, I encourage you to read these other posts:

How to Handle Your Sexual Desires as a Single Girl

7 Major Benefits of Saving Sex for Marriage – Part 1

7 Major Benefits of Saving Sex for Marriage – Part 2

I’d love to hear from you below (and I do read all of the comments)!

  • In your own life, how have you seen a “partial truth” lead you down the wrong path?

Photo Credit: Here 

Guy and girl

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  • Thank you for this post! Your site is wonderful and I read it every day if I can!

  • Brianne

    Thanks for such an awesome post, Kristen!! Blessings upon you and your family<3 🙂

  • JP

    I have a friend who, through and by the Holy Spirit, I have helped to find Christ. I know she is sexually active with her boyfriend and she doesn’t talk to me about it. I haven’t felt the Lord telling me to talk with her on sexual immorality just because it’s a touchy topic, and I don’t want to push her away. They’ve been together for 5+ years now, and he is an unbeliever.. I don’t even know how/where/when to begin talking with her on it. I pray the Lord places it on her heart to inquire. I’ll have this article saved so I can send it to her!! Lol, I loved it. It’s not mean or judgemental. It’s gentle and loving! I want her to turn from the sin because I know it’s the enemy’s passageway into her life. Thank you !

    • Val

      You seem like a good friend!
      I know: it is so hard to talk about this topic. What I found helpful is to talk about it in general and in my experience, so instead of saying to a fiend that I think that she shouldn’t sleep with her boyfriend, I talk about purity and what it means for me 🙂

  • Hannah

    Thank you Kristen! You ladies do such a great job everytime of getting your point across very clearly. I only found your blogs and videos in December, but I love all the ones I have read (and watched)! Would you ladies ever consider doing a video or blog about how to respect your parents when things are rough and you are hurting? Thanks again!

    • MG

      A blog about that would be awesome!

    • Johanna

      I agree! That would really help me too. I was recently adopted by my aunt and uncle and it has been hard respecting them as my parents. It has been rough trying to adapt to this new situation because I am 17 and I am almost an adult.

  • EllieC.

    This is really encouraging. I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now, and I’ve really enjoyed your wonderful posts! Thank you.

  • Annalisa

    I fell into this same trap and I am so glad you made a post on it to warn other girls. It almost sounds like you wrote this post about me! As a girl who already made this mistake with a man that I am not going to be marrying I am so glad you put this out there to caution others. It can feel so right because you are in love and you want that connection and to show your boyfriend you love them but be warned. We both are believers but when we started dating I was very very new to the faith while he was raised in church and grew up in a very religious home. I am so thankful for your ministry because it really has helped me as a someone who is young in their faith really understand God’s word. I only wish I had found it before I made this mistake with my now ex.

  • Amber

    I have done this. I am now married to him but look back and cringe, because two people that love each other don’t cause each other to sin. They look out for each other.

  • OrangeGirl

    I had premarital s3x with my boyfriend. I do not regret it one bit. I trusted him with my body, and he with mine. Trust and respect are the tenants of love.

  • Katie

    Am I s3xually active?

    Yep!

    Am I married?

    Nope.

    Do I feel any less for it?

    Nope.


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